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This Is a Test To See How Badly I Can Annoy You with Movie Marketing

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (27)

conan-jason-momoa.jpg

As you enter the page here, if you have your speakers on, you’ll probably hear some vaguely foreboding music. If you don’t hear it yet, give it a second to load. This much awesome takes times.

… keep waiting. Don’t reload the page. It’ll come, eventually. OK. Reload the page. Maybe that’ll help. Or try a different browser. It’s there, though. I swear it.

Now, there is a mute button below on the poster, but nononononono, don’t touch it. Let that music wash over you. Let it seep into your blood. Don’t click away from the page, damnit! I’m trying to help you. Just listen. Feel those bass notes climb inside you. You’re feeling it now, right? It’s good stuff, huh?

Now, look out your cubicle. Here’s what I want you to do. Ask the next person who walks by to come over. Show him or her what’s on your computer. Tell him it’s this really awesome motion poster with this guy who looks like he fell asleep standing up on top of a pile of skulls. People love that sort of thing.

Now, as he bends over your shoulder to get a closer look, this is what you to do: Reach back, grab him by the neck with both hands, make a quick forward motion, and smash his head into your computer monitor, knocking him unconscious.

You hear that silence? That feels good, right? I told you it was an awesome poster!










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Comments

All those skulls have obviously been there for a while, which means Conan didn't kill those people. So what's the point?

Posted by: Todd at March 3, 2011 12:07 PM

So... A "motion poster" is noisy? And only the clouds are, you know, "in motion"?

oooooooook

Posted by: lubeg at March 3, 2011 12:08 PM

Unfrozen Caveman Conan?

Posted by: Fredo at March 3, 2011 12:08 PM

I think he's just concentrating on keeping his footing. It's like he's standing on a thousand tiny beach balls.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at March 3, 2011 12:11 PM

Is this also a test to see how far you can push me with that rolly ad at the top? Is this a test to see how messed up the site is that I can't get to the comments even if I reload the page about 5 times? If so, I think I pass!

What, you think that if you make it really hard for me to read and comment I'll give up and go back to my actual job? Are you simple or just hopelessly naive?

Posted by: klingonfree at March 3, 2011 12:16 PM

From a website that is adding more and more intrusive banner adds to its pages, I would be careful how much you criticize this stuff. Honestly, the new Honda add that automatically plays? Or the previews in between page clicks? I'm trying to watch this stuff at work and you're blowing my cover guys!

Posted by: Mike D at March 3, 2011 12:16 PM

"Hmmm, my junk does look pretty big in these pantaloons."

Posted by: admin at March 3, 2011 12:16 PM

I really wish this was a roll-over poster. And when you brushed the cursor over his abs, he'd fall over giggling.

That would probably undercut the seriousness a bit much, huh?

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at March 3, 2011 12:22 PM

Took forever to get past "conan in 3d loading." But to tell the truth, that was enough for me.

Posted by: sittingpat at March 3, 2011 12:24 PM

"You killed my mother! You killed my father, you killed my people! And then you hid their skulls in this big pile of unrelated skulls! AND NOW I MUST FIND THEM, AND ARRANGE THEM BY GENDER AND AGE!!!!"

Posted by: Groundloop at March 3, 2011 12:29 PM

@Todd- It's not that they've been there for a while, it's jut that our dear Coco is a fastidious osteologist with loads of experience stripping the flesh off of bones. Conan is fascinated with the subtle differences of skull morphology amongst his many, many victims, and is currently in the process of writing a comprehensive paper, the tentative title of which is: "The Genetic Origins of the Bitchmade: Why Certain Phenotypes Are Just More Delightfully Squishy When I Cleave Them In Twain".

Posted by: StoatCat at March 3, 2011 12:52 PM

Suck it, you lamentating women, this movie is gonna be awesome sauce to the extreme!

(That was a bit. Didn't the internet decide in 1999 to shun webmasters who used MIDIs in their page design? [What I'm asking, really, is, Who were the ad wizards who came up with this one? {/rimshot}])

Posted by: RobP at March 3, 2011 12:56 PM

Implications of Cranial Morphology on Maintaining Equilibrium: A Case Study

Posted by: Phaeolus at March 3, 2011 1:01 PM

Phaeolus: His head really does look...bulbous...

Posted by: figgy at March 3, 2011 1:12 PM

He's sad that he's a barbarian and can't speak Latin.

(An entymology joke! Yaaaay!)

Posted by: superasente at March 3, 2011 1:25 PM

So when does the Hunter-Killer Tank come rolling through?

Posted by: bleujayone at March 3, 2011 2:27 PM

Skulls are like medieval Lego. He's contemplating on what a kick-ass fort he's gonna build!

Posted by: Murderbot at March 3, 2011 2:47 PM

Somehow I don't see this mook answering the Riddle of Steel.

I never thought I'd look back fondly on the acting of Mr. Schwarzenegger... that's... that's a bit of a shock.

Posted by: Wintermute at March 3, 2011 2:49 PM

You will be missed, Basil Poledouris.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at March 3, 2011 2:58 PM

Oh, superasente. Even with your typo (please be a typo), I can't quit you.

Posted by: RobP at March 3, 2011 3:05 PM

Yoga pose = skull stand.
Keep your arms and legs perfectly still.
Don't worry if your hair and skirt move. That's fine.
Tighten your core to improve balance.
You're doing great.
Inhale. Exhale.
If you can't hold onto the sword, that's okay.
Now, try lifting your head. If the yellow sky distracts you, it's okay to look down again.
Inhale. Exhale. That's it.
Lament if it helps.

Posted by: Reba at March 3, 2011 3:44 PM

im a pour speler.

Posted by: Big Superasente at March 3, 2011 4:09 PM

That ad is actually kind of cool.

Posted by: Adam C at March 3, 2011 5:22 PM

Watch out, superasente, you've been bugged!

Posted by: RobP at March 3, 2011 5:37 PM

What the fuck is "RealD 3D"? Isn't that like, a play?

Posted by: D-Day at March 3, 2011 7:01 PM

Is this also a test to see how far you can push me with that rolly ad at the top? Is this a test to see how messed up the site is that I can't get to the comments even if I reload the page about 5 times? If so, I think I pass!

What, you think that if you make it really hard for me to read and comment I'll give up and go back to my actual job? Are you simple or just hopelessly naive?

Posted by: cosplay costumes at March 3, 2011 10:53 PM

Ain't got shit on Valhalla Rising. You wonder where all those skulls come from? They were left in the wake of One Eye.

Posted by: Robin at March 6, 2011 4:01 AM