The Ward News

I Swear I’ve Seen This Before / TK

Trade News | February 4, 2009 | Comments (46)

I love John Carpenter. I think I’ve made that clear. But much like his zombie genius counterpart George Romero, he seems determined to stomp on his legacy and crush my spirit by making increasingly inferior movies. The latest news is that he’s making a movie called, cleverly, The Ward.

The Ward will star Amber Heard, who is pretty and has never been in anything even remotely decent with the exception of Friday Night Lights, as a woman committed to an asylum, where she is tormented by a ghost.

So, basically it’s the Caucasian version of Gothika, one of the top ten worst ghost stories of the last 15 years. Seriously though, anyone see that piece of shit besides me? In addition to being the bluest movie ever shot, it’s fucking terrible. Wanna-punch-a-baby terrible. Stabbingly terrible. It’s Halle Berry’s Radio — you know, the movie you watch that takes itself oh-so-seriously, and the whole time you’re thinking, “how in the unholy fucking fuck did this brainwaste win a goddamn Oscar?”

But I digress. Anyway, Carpenter is making another tepid-sounding entry into the “blandly attractive young person is haunted” genre. Gee, I wonder if there will be some sort of spooky child. Or a sinister doctor. Or a red herring that isn’t even remotely a red herring, but is more like a moldy trout.

Wonderful. So, to recap: They Live, The Thing and Christine are all being remade, and not counting his entries in the “Masters of Horror” series, Carpenter hasn’t made a genuinely good movie since 1988. I love the guy, and I wish him nothing but good fortune, but… Jesus, there’s only so much more I can take, you know?

My cynicism is a thing of beauty today, ain’t it?

You said it, Jack.

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Comments

I wasn't going to say anything, but since you brought it up......

How long do you give it TK? Late 2009? 2010? It's obviously going to happen.

I'm starting a betting pool, $1.00 per date. When do you thing the announcement for the __________* remake will happen?

Posted by: admin at February 4, 2009 9:47 AM

What's so bad about "Pineapple Express"?

Posted by: Jay at February 4, 2009 9:58 AM

What? Someone is remaking Christine? Sacrilege, I say.

Posted by: courtney 2 at February 4, 2009 10:00 AM

Big Trouble in Little China: starring Zac Efron and Britney Spears.

TK meltdown in 3...2...1...

Posted by: Mike R. at February 4, 2009 10:01 AM

In addition to being the bluest movie ever shot

I Know Who Killed Me would like a word with you, TK. Gothika is terrible. I'd normally be willing to say "at least the colors were nice" when a film is that processed, but no, the blue was distracting. It muddied set details and stopped my other backhanded compliment, "at least the sets were well executed."

As for the film in question: many of the best scenes in really, really awful horror films recently have centered around the tormented nut job living in isolation/nunnery/asylum. An entire film like that might work if done properly. However, this is John Carpenter, who hasn't made a good theatrically released film in a long time.

Posted by: Robert at February 4, 2009 10:04 AM

I was trying to be nice Mike R., but since you insist on not letting sleeping hamsters be, what date you got?

Posted by: admin at February 4, 2009 10:05 AM

You guys coming to PajibaCon? You totally should, so I can cut your throats while you sleep.

Posted by: TK at February 4, 2009 10:08 AM

That dead horse was beaten and then sent to the glue factory a long time ago, Mike. Besides, it's going to be Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan.

At least, that's what the producers at Lions Gate Films are telling me.

Posted by: branded at February 4, 2009 10:12 AM

Well, remember, John Carpenters The Thing was a remake to begin with. I think the original had an under current of the fear of Communism, or some shit.

With Clive Barker remaking Hellraiser, Wes Craven continuing his reinvention of Nightmare on Elm Street and now this, it's a golden age for people redoing the same ideas that brought them success. Either that or it's the apocalypse.

Everybody has at least one good idea. Soon we'll just have production after production of the same movie, over and over again, with slight tweaks and fine tunings.

It used to be that you would get ready for the sequel when you finish a picture. Now, as post-production winds down, you're already in pre-production of the exact same film, the remake!

Originality is dead.

Posted by: Bane at February 4, 2009 10:12 AM

That reminded me Dustin, Halley Berry and Cuba Gooding will do any film for money, maybe they'll take my script about a man and a woman who work in a day camp shaped like an ice cream truck, while Halley berry dresses in superhero costumes and sees ghosts. I would like to thank the academy for proving that those Oscars needed to go to other people.

Posted by: George at February 4, 2009 10:15 AM

Well, you have to remember, John Carpenter's The Thing was itself a remake. I think the original had the subtext of the fear of Communism, or some shit or other.

Everybody has at least one good idea. Soon we'll just have production after production of the same movie, over and over again, with slight tweaks and fine tunings.

It used to be that you would get ready for the sequel when you wrap a movie. Now, as post-production is finishing up, you're already in pre-production of the exact same film, the remake!

Originality is dead.

De-ja-view?

Posted by: Bane at February 4, 2009 10:17 AM

Wanna-punch-a-baby terrible.

Hmmm. I think when we bring Lil Pajiba down this weekend, TK, that we should probably avoid the Internet. It's probably best for my son's well being.

Posted by: Dustin Rowles at February 4, 2009 10:17 AM

Oh come on, that remake will be the follow up blockbuster for Kevin James after the Paul Blart franchise passes the 500 million mark.

Posted by: MrCreosote at February 4, 2009 10:19 AM

I Know Who Killed Me would like a word with you, TK.

HA! Robert, my friend and I watched that one night just so we could MST3K it. By the end we were in fetal positions, moaning "Bluuuuuue...it's so BLUE!!"

Posted by: Julie at February 4, 2009 10:19 AM

The thing to remember is that Carpenter's version of The Thing was actually already a remake of an earlier film...

Posted by: Bane at February 4, 2009 10:20 AM

and not counting his entries in the "Cigarette Burns" series...

I think you mean Cigarette Burns, his installment in the Masters of Horror Series. Which was fucking amazing and gets extra bonus points for having Udo Kier.

Posted by: MG at February 4, 2009 10:22 AM

Carpenter still has some credit left with me, though admittedly it's running out faster than the time left in *insert random ridiculous starlet*'s career. The Halloween remake almost did it, and if I see this, well, any respect I have for him will be gone. Maybe I should just give up the ghost (HA!) and let him go.

Posted by: Smokin at February 4, 2009 10:23 AM

All these reminders that The Thing was a remake have me thinking (apert from the very valid and possible point that maybe directors, like all artists, have Periods and arcs in their creative history and not all of their stuff is always gonna be good...)

... but I was wondering. What remakes are actually better than the originals?

I think we might all say that Carpenter's The Thing was a better film than the original (although remake is misleading; they were just made from the same original source story, and Carpenter's was truer to the material). Plus who has SEEN the 50's The Thing? I haven't).

And we all CERTAINLY know a TON of BAD, BAD remakes.

But are there any good ones? Name them.

Posted by: karstark at February 4, 2009 10:27 AM

Fuck you. Heard was in the remotely decent pineapple express and the ducking insano awesome all the boys love mandy lane. Her mandy is a brilliant character. See it.

Posted by: Max at February 4, 2009 10:29 AM

If you want to get technical, The Thing is probably more a sequel than a remake. In fact, it's not really a remake at all -- it's another adaptation of the Campbell novel. Just like The Talented Mr. Ripley isn't a remake of Purple Noon.

/nerd

Posted by: TK at February 4, 2009 10:31 AM

Good remakes? Hmmm...

Ocean's 11
The Ring
Little Shop of Horrors
The Departed

Posted by: Julie at February 4, 2009 10:32 AM

"The Maltese Falcon" and "His Girl Friday" have supporters for being superior remakes.

I think the third "King Kong" was better than the second. "Ocean's 11" is good.

Posted by: Jay at February 4, 2009 10:36 AM

Gothika was an awful movie in every way. But let's not forget it co-starred Pajiba Man of 2008 Robert Downey Jr, proving that even the mighty RDJ is incapable of saving the worst dreck with his presence.

Berry followed up Gothika with Catwoman. It is said that if you watch those 2 movies back-to-back the combined force of suck will turn you inside out. I have not attempted this foolish feat, but I also refuse to say "Candyman" 5 times in a mirror so call me superstitious.

Posted by: TylerDFC at February 4, 2009 10:44 AM

It's okay if Carpenter's "The Thing" is a remake, TK. That doesn't take anything away from it.

Posted by: Jay at February 4, 2009 10:46 AM

proving that even the mighty RDJ is incapable of saving the worst dreck with his presence.

I think he also proved that with Two Girls and a Guy. BLECH.

Posted by: Julie at February 4, 2009 10:52 AM

The Fly is a very good remake. It's tough to make the judgment call on whether it is unquestionably better than the original because the films are so different; I prefer the remake because of the clearer horror notes and nuanced performances.

The Ring is pretty good, too. The US version did a lot of interesting things with the material and the massive changes (like flipping the genders of the main living characters) really paid off for a US audience; I prefer the original.

I'm not opposed to the Funny Games remake, though it's a coin toss on which is the better film. Really depends on which cast you prefer.

I don't agree with this, but I know some people who swear up and down that The Shining made for TV remake is far superior to Kubrick's The Shining because it stays true to the novel.

And some people who don't get The Texas Chainsaw Massacre claim the remake is better. I don't.

Posted by: Robert at February 4, 2009 10:52 AM

Yes, Gothika was crap. And yes, what-the-hell-was-Halle-Berry-thinking-making-Gothika-and-Carwoman-back-to-back. Ewwwww.

And yes, Ocean's 11 was a gem: probably the golden standard for remakes.

I thought my opinion of The Ring would have been much much higher if I hadn't seen the original and known how great the original was. Which, really, is how I feel about most remakes.

The Departed is an exception; a remake of a great movie, and a great movie in its own right.

Posted by: karstark at February 4, 2009 10:59 AM

Admin, I'd go with the late 2009 release date, seeing as it's not that hard to slap together crap like this. Also, throw in Miley Cyrus as Lo Pan, just to add that extra little burn to all this heresy.

Posted by: Mike R. at February 4, 2009 11:14 AM

Big Trouble in Little China - 2010

Jack Burton - Seth Rogen
Lo Pan - George Takei
Wang - John Cho
Egg Chen - Jackie Chan
Gracie Law - Maggie Grace
Mao Yin - Zhang Zi Yi
The Three Storms - Chow Yun Fat, Jet Li, Michelle Yeoh
The Porkchop Express - Optimus Prime

Directed by Brett Ratner

Posted by: TylerDFC at February 4, 2009 11:37 AM

The Sci-Fi Channel remake of Dune was better than the David Lynch version largely because 1) the mini series format gave it more time to work with and 2) it avoided miscasting Paul (who was too old, too tall, and too blown-dry in the the Lynch version)

Posted by: ed newman at February 4, 2009 11:42 AM

And some people who don't get The Texas Chainsaw Massacre claim the remake is better. I don't.

Oh, Robert, thank you for that. The remake is shite, and nobody gets the first. I just had a little sigh of relief that someone out there does. *haaaaaahhhhh*

Plus who has SEEN the 50's The Thing? I haven't

I'm fairly certain lots of people have... I know I have.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at February 4, 2009 11:44 AM

Directed by Brett Ratner

Why ya gotta denigrate the decent casting you had going? Are you complimenting Ratner or insulting all the actors?

You know what? Speaking of Russell, I did enjoy "Poseidon". I hadn't planned to stay for the whole movie, I was basically killing time while reformatting my hard drive and I was gonna leave after the ship went down.

But the threat of Kurt Russell drowning is compelling!

That's not to say it was a good movie though.

Posted by: Jay at February 4, 2009 11:50 AM

Are you complimenting Ratner or insulting all the actors?

Ratner is the 20th Century Fox go-to guy for competent yet uninspired directors. His movies are bland and reek of corporate meddling. I doubt Ratner has ever told that studio "no" on anything they have asked of him and it shows. It's that mix of comedy and action in Big Trouble that I can see the corporate demons would be drawn to Ratner like a Lohan to a casting couch.

Posted by: TylerDFC at February 4, 2009 12:06 PM

For a '50s horror/suspense film, the original Thing kicked ass. Carpenter's version shredded that ass in a wood chipper, flinging hot bloody ass all over the screen. I can't imagine a remake of it being better than his version.

Posted by: Protoguy at February 4, 2009 12:49 PM

Mathieu Kassovitz needs to just stop making movies. After Gothika he made that wack-o Vin Diesel vehicle Babylon AD.

He needs to just be Nino.

Oh and the Lynch version of Dune was far superior to the Sci-Fi Channel mini-series for two reasons:

1. Sting in leather briefs.

2. Giant talking vaginas

Oh how I love David Lynch.

Posted by: Alabamapink at February 4, 2009 12:53 PM

"how in the unholy fucking fuck did this brainwaste win a goddamn Oscar?"

They both rode their more famous co-stars? I know, too easy.

Good remakes: Um, Magnificent Seven, anyone? And would the Bourne Trilogy and/or Casino Royale count? Both had TV movie predecessors, like an inversion of the Dune situation.

Posted by: Vermillion at February 4, 2009 1:00 PM

The stage version of The Avatar was fairly good. They didn't stay true to some of the characters, perhaps, the the special effects were great. I especially liked the casting choice for Toph.

Posted by: Sweetie Dahling at February 4, 2009 2:22 PM

The Avatar stage thing was awesome and I'm not even a huge fan of the show.

Dune rocks. Haven't seen the TV version but I heard it was decent.

Posted by: Protoguy at February 4, 2009 3:19 PM

I saw the thing for the first time this weekend, and became oddly obsessed with it. But now I can't look at my dog without freaking out and wanting to lock her in the kitchen. Thanks a lot John Carpenter.

Posted by: Person at February 4, 2009 5:44 PM

I actually thought Vampire$ was pretty fun, but that only splits the two decade lull.

Posted by: Eep at February 4, 2009 6:01 PM

Mattheiu Kossovitz (I won't even pretend o be able to spell it correctly) HAS directed some awful awful movies.... but he directed at least one good one. Anybody ever see The Crimson Rivers?

And who is Nino again? Was that the boy-crush of Amelie? Cause that was him, you know.

Posted by: karstark at February 4, 2009 8:04 PM

Was that the boy-crush of Amelie? Cause that was him, you know.

I believe that's what he meant.

Posted by: Jay at February 4, 2009 10:05 PM

First, the original is called "The Thing From Another World," and it is partially directed by Howard Hawkes, who has way more film street cred. than Carpenter. It deserves more respect. And I love Carpenter.

Third, I would consider "in the mouth of madness" one of his bette rones

Posted by: Some Guy at February 4, 2009 11:54 PM

What was the second one?

Mouth of Madness is amusing, but horribly flawed.

Posted by: I Love Beets at February 5, 2009 6:40 AM

They're not allowed to remake The Thing. NOT ALLOWED! It's my favorite horror movie of all time. I made my boyfriend watch it. When it was over, he told me he loved me. It's THAT GOOD.

Posted by: RhymesWithSilver at February 5, 2009 12:37 PM

I keep forgetting that the picture on top isn't "Basket Case".

Now that's something to never be remade.

Posted by: Jay at February 5, 2009 7:08 PM

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