February 4, 2009 | Comments ()

By TK | Trade News | February 4, 2009 |


I love John Carpenter. I think I’ve made that clear. But much like his zombie genius counterpart George Romero, he seems determined to stomp on his legacy and crush my spirit by making increasingly inferior movies. The latest news is that he’s making a movie called, cleverly, The Ward.

The Ward will star Amber Heard, who is pretty and has never been in anything even remotely decent with the exception of Friday Night Lights, as a woman committed to an asylum, where she is tormented by a ghost.

So, basically it’s the Caucasian version of Gothika, one of the top ten worst ghost stories of the last 15 years. Seriously though, anyone see that piece of shit besides me? In addition to being the bluest movie ever shot, it’s fucking terrible. Wanna-punch-a-baby terrible. Stabbingly terrible. It’s Halle Berry’s Radio — you know, the movie you watch that takes itself oh-so-seriously, and the whole time you’re thinking, “how in the unholy fucking fuck did this brainwaste win a goddamn Oscar?”

But I digress. Anyway, Carpenter is making another tepid-sounding entry into the “blandly attractive young person is haunted” genre. Gee, I wonder if there will be some sort of spooky child. Or a sinister doctor. Or a red herring that isn’t even remotely a red herring, but is more like a moldy trout.

Wonderful. So, to recap: They Live, The Thing and Christine are all being remade, and not counting his entries in the “Masters of Horror” series, Carpenter hasn’t made a genuinely good movie since 1988. I love the guy, and I wish him nothing but good fortune, but… Jesus, there’s only so much more I can take, you know?

My cynicism is a thing of beauty today, ain’t it?
jackburton.jpg

You said it, Jack.

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I Hate Myself For Loving You

I Swear I've Seen This Before / TK

Trade News | February 4, 2009 | Comments ()



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