The Wachowski's Jupiter Ascending Sounds Insane: But What's Jupiter Got To Do, Got To Do With It?
"[H]uman beings are just the Cro-Magnons, or even the Australopithecines, of what beings can ultimately go on to become in the galaxy... these higher forms of life are watching us from other, albeit this time non-meta worlds, but actual, other worlds, as in planets and moons."
By non-meta, I'm assuming Vulture's source is referring to the matrix in The Matrix, which is an important distinction because the script by Andy and Lana Wachowski is being hailed as a "return to form" for the filmmaking siblings, and we wouldn't want audiences confused about the levels of reality. No, just the levels of THC needed to come up with the following plot line (taken verbatim because it's too weird and convoluted to wrap my head around right now):
[T]he film, which has yet to begin shooting and is supposed to be the first entry in a trilogy, centers on an unlikely (and as with The Matrix, ultimately reluctant) heroine: A recent Russian immigrant -- played by actual Ukrainian immigrant Mila Kunis -- who is busily scrubbing toilets for a living. Unbeknownst to her, she actually possesses the same perfect genetic makeup as the Queen of the Universe and is therefore a threat to her otherwise immortal rule.
These evolved beings fall into various different groups, all of which share some human DNA but who have become evolved after being bred with animal DNA to heighten their best characteristics -- e.g., soldiers getting their fearlessness, strength, and a pack mentality from wolves; workers getting their industriousness and reputation for diligence from bees.
Pretty soon, a bounty hunter of the evolved-being type is dispatched to dispose of the Cleaning Lady with the Great Pair of Nucloetides, but, as you'd expect with a Matrix re-dux, they fall in love. And for having fallen for his target, the bounty hunter -- who we hear will be played by Channing Tatum -- well, let's just say that things get messy after that, because his employers take a-less-than-enlightened-being reaction to his decision to protect rather than kill her.
Okay, I think I get it: The supposedly normal human Mila Kunis is the genetic chosen one to stop an evil space queen from manipulating evolving life with the help of her supposedly ultra-human boyfriend Channing Tatum? And as Vulture notes twice, the basic premise after removing the sci-fi elements sounds very similar to the standard Snow White narrative, and /Film helpfully relates the apparent plot structure to Luc Besson's The Fifth Element. The brief glimpses we've seen of Cloud Atlas definitely look promising, and if that turns out well, then many of us will probably be on board for Jupiter Ascending -- whatever the hell it is. If someone, preferably the Spud, actually utters the line, "She's got a great pair of nucleotides," I'm in. The worrying part is that almost throwaway bit about being a planned trilogy. We all know too well how that's not worked out in the past...
But, hey, it's Friday, and I don't want to end on a sour note, so here are some images of Mila Kunis and Channing Tatum in various states of hotness. Speaking of "heavenly bodies," amirite? Enjoy!
(And in case you couldn't figure out via the context clues above, these might be NSFW.)
Rob Payne also writes the comic The Unstoppable Force, tweets on the Twitter @RobOfWar, and his wares can be purchased here and here (if you're into that sort of thing). There's also an offer out to Joseph Gordon-Levitt for an unspecified role in Jupiter Ascending, and he really hopes it's for the Queen of the Universe.