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The Universe Hates You: Book Club Edition

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Trade News | July 18, 2012 | Comments ()


burning_book.png

Haven't you always thought to yourself that great literature might be okay, but that what it really needs is a good dose of tits and ass? Thankfully, publisher Clandestine Classics is using the wonders of expired copyrights and dropping publication costs in order to do just that.

Says the publisher:

"The old-fashioned pleasantries and timidity have all been stripped away, quite literally. You didn't really think that these much-loved characters only held hands and pecked cheeks, did you? Come with us as we embark on a breathtaking experience -- behind the closed bedroom doors of our favorite, most-beloved British characters. Learn what Sherlock really thought of Watson, what Mr. Darcy really wanted to do to Miss Elizabeth Bennet, and unveil the sexy escapades of Mr. Rochester and Jane Eyre. We'll show you the scenes that you always wanted to see but were never allowed."

I'm all for reinterpretations of old stories, of telling them again and again as they take new meaning for every generation. Hell, I even dig the Pride and Prejudice and Zombies approach as adding a twist to an existing story by inserting new content between the scenes of the old. But the fundamental difference there is that even the latter effort adds something new. It actually creates new meaning.

You want to write a version of Sherlock in which he and Watson screw? Go for it. But if you're too lazy to bother actually writing any of this, and just want to fantasize about two characters bumping nasties, then blithering amateurish new words between scenes of great literature is hardly more than photoshopping an actor's face into naked pictures.

This creates nothing; it is merely graffiti on the Mona Lisa.

(source: THR)


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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • KatSings

    My best friend was terrified of what 50 Shades was going to do to literature in terms of legitimizing fan fiction in a way the world did not need. This seems to justify her argument.

  • Skyler Durden

    Goddamnit, only because no one else has said it: The Old Man and the Semen.

    I feel bad now.

  • BierceAmbrose

    Behold the Man (By Michael Moorcock. This stuff writes itself.),

  • BierceAmbrose

    For a lot of scifi you don't have to change the titles, just your attitude ...

    The Moon is a Harsh Mistress,
    Earthrise,
    The Number of the Beast (With Two Backs),
    Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep,
    Rendezvous with Rama (& Sita & Their Friends),
    Fountains of Paradise, (Really. One of Clarke's lesser known later works. - ed)
    Childhood's End (tr Humanity Comes of Age),
    Methuselah's Children,
    So Long and Thanks for All the Fish,
    The Fellowship of the Ring(s)

  • Maguita NYC

    @Steven Lloyd Wilson, @pajiba, My last comment on book titles starting with George Orwell was held up by moderator.

    Please do delete it. I got caught up in perverting classics, and did not realize that Alexandre Dumas' mis-titled book could be misconstrued as homophobic.

    Thank you! And sorry for the sordid debasement of literature.

  • ed newman

    It's hard (hah!) to get too worked up over this. Sure it's lazy, but who is really going to buy it? If you are just looking to get aroused there are a million-billion better ways on the internet or via DVD or via fan fiction, etc.

    If they are going to do this anyway, they need to go the extra mile and insert those musical greeting card chips into the relevant sections. It was the best of hard pulsating times (::bow-chick-a-bow-bow::), it was the worst of soft flaccid times (::bow-chick-a-bow-bow::) ...

  • Fredo

    So what's different between this and some of the *ahem* fan fiction available online?

  • almond

    fanfiction.net, rating M
    There, free porny "literature" to your heart's content, free of charge. Drop a review and help improve the smuttiness.

  • spljt

    The Son Also Rises
    Beast of Eden
    Essay on Men

  • Mrs. Julien

    I was going to say the fan fiction thing, but others already made the point. Mostly, I just wanted to post a comment. Hi Pajiba! I've missed you!

  • BWeaves

    Welcome back, Mrs. Julien. You were missed.

  • Mrs. Julien

    It's sadly temporary.

  • BierceAmbrose

    Wait, what?

    No, Mrs. J, ya gotta stick around. I so miss the giggles when you're gone.

  • Skyler Durden

    Ugh, this gives me a sad. Admittedly, I have never been a P&P fan, but I *am* a Jane Eyre fan. Jane was pious to a fault; you could say almost annoyingly so. She NEVER would have engaged in such shenanigans until AFTER the events in the book. They would literally have to write an entirely new book. Jane Eyre II: Jane Harder. The sexy adventures of a religious nut and her deformed, ugly husband.

  • Mrs. Julien

    We need some classic literature porn titles stat:

    Prick and Prejudice
    Sense and Sexuality
    Tom Johnson
    Tristram Shagging

  • Three_nineteen

    David Cops A Feel

    OK, I'm done now.

  • Maguita NYC

    After exhausting the classics, time to debase the contemporaries:

    Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Bone
    Harry Potter and the Dungeon of Pain
    Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Sade
    Harry Potter and the Whips of Fire
    Harry Potter and the Order of the Paddle
    Harry Potter and the Priapic Half-Blood Prince
    Harry Potter and the Deathly Tail of Cat-o-nine

  • BWeaves

    I think the Philsopher's Bone one is a real porno.

  • Yossarian

    To Thrill a Mockingbird
    Maidenhead Revisited
    Great Expectorations
    Love in the Time of Chlamydia
    The Mount of County Cristo
    Madame Ovary

  • mats19

    Madame Ovary is actually a name a friend of mine was given via a Drag Queen Name generator... so wins all around on that one!

  • Three_nineteen

    Not Great Ejaculations?
    How about some gay porn: A Connecticut Yankee Up King Arthur's Ass

  • littlealbatross

    Great Ejaculations!- I just spit coffee on the computer. That made today worth getting up for.

  • Maguita NYC

    Hamcock
    King Cleat
    Julius Defiler
    Macthrust.

    I feel really dirty after this. Need to put soap on my tongue, or something.

  • BWeaves

    Anything but Lifebouy.

  • Three_nineteen

    Quivering Heights

  • Maguita NYC

    The Merry Wives of Gomorrah.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Mansfield Pork
    Badly Done, Emma (S&M)
    Moby Dick (obviously)

  • gelis

    Oh my god, Mansfield Pork is amazing.

  • Maguita NYC

    Lusts of Darkness and The Secret Inmate
    A Tale of Two Twats
    Persuasion (duh, this one does not need a change in title, just an editing of a chapter or two)

  • Maguita NYC

    The Catcher in the Fly?

  • bleujayone

    A Tale of Two Titties
    Three Musketeers and One Cup
    The Count Mounted me with Crisco
    Treasure Trail Island
    The Red Wings of Courage
    Great Asphyxiations

  • bleujayone

    Catcher in the Spanish Fly?

  • Maguita NYC

    Calamities of Huckleberry Quim.

  • Mrs. Julien

    The Old Man and the C Cup

  • branded_redux

    It was the best of thighs, it was the worst of thighs...
    ::smooth bass line kicks in::

  • Miss Laaw-yuhr

    I can see it now (sigh). Sherlock Holmes - The Hound of the Bathhouses. Jane's Area. Pride and Penises.

  • Bert_McGurt

    Nineteen Eighty-Foursome
    The Old Man and the C-Word
    F*ckleberry Finn

  • BierceAmbrose

    The Man in the Iron Mask,
    The Three Musketeers,
    Moby Dick,
    The Horn-dog of the Baskervilles,
    Not So Sleepy Hollow

  • branded_redux

    Westward, Ho!
    Love's Labours Lust
    King Leer
    Hard Times (no need to smirch what is already good)

  • BWeaves

    Hasn't this already been done? There's a ton of dirty fan fic on the internet. Why would I want to pay to buy a hardcopy?

    Yes, I know this is how 50 Choads of Grey got started.

  • Yossarian

    My thoughts exactly. So we're publishing fan fiction now?

  • Dragonchild

    From a business perspective, if it sells as well as 50 Shades, why the heck not? Not that I agree with the sentiment, but that's precisely why Twilight terrified me so. Never mind the damage it inflicted on fifty years of social progress; it was proof to publishers that fanfics are big business. If it was hard enough to get your well-written story published before, well, good luck now.

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