April 27, 2007 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | April 27, 2007 |


All right, Friday’s edition of the trade round-up starts with the unfounded, completely unsubstantiated rumors (who starts these?) that Matt Damon will take on the lead role in David Goyer’s adaptation of the comic book hero The Green Arrow. For those of you (like myself) unfamiliar with the character, Wikipedia offers this: “His secret identity is Oliver Queen, billionaire and mayor of fictional Star City; he is best known to his associates as Ollie. Dressed like Robin Hood, Green Arrow is an archer, who invents arrows with various special functions, such as a glue arrow, a net arrow, or a boxing-glove arrow.”

I wonder if that’s the Kevin Costner, Errol Flynn, Cary Elwes, or the Disney fox version of Robin Hood?

And the reason why Matt Damon will never take this role is illustrated in this simple game of “Which one is not like the other?” Martin Scorsese, Steven Soderbergh, Kenneth Lonergan, David Goyer, Doug Liman, Paul Greengrass, Darren Aronovsky, Terry Gilliam, and Gus Van Sant. Eight of these men have directed, or will soon direct, Matt Damon in a feature-length film. The other wrote Demonic Toys, Kickboxer 2: The Road Back, and the Blade series, in addition to directing today’s release, The Invisible. Matt Damon may not always pick the best projects, but he does pick the best directors. And that’s why he’s not lying on his couch, watching Oprah, and taking bit roles in mediocre, throwaway, Tarantino-inspired Joe Carnahan flicks and waxing nostalgic about his Daredevil days. And it’s also why he won’t star in a David S. Goyer film until the man can appeal to more than pimple-scarred fanboys with achy wrists. Plus, Matt Damon will never wear tights, bitches.

In casting news, Jenny McCarthy has been attached as the love interest in Witless Protection, a film I mentioned a few weeks back, starring Larry the Cable Guy. And damn, Jenny — I know times are hard, and that you’re not a particularly talented actress, but a Larry the Cable Guy film?! C’mon. Well, I suppose that’s better than your latest offering, Wieners, a soon-to-be released straight-to-DVD offering that features a scene involving Jenny McCarthy and a dog that finds its way under her skirt. We’ll always have Dirty Love together, Jenny.

I’m not hip or cool enough to really know who Jessica Rose is — she is apparently notorious for her role as Lonelygirl15, who found fame on YouTube starring in a series of fictional confessionals as a teenaged homeschooled character, Bree. I’m guessing she gained this fame from young men hoping that her online confessionals might turn into one of those voyeuristic, pornographic webcasts. Checking out her videos over on the YouTube, the comments seem to suggest as much, e.g., “WTF was that wink at 1:48!!! EXPLAIN PLZ !!!” and “People actually like her less now that she isn’t illegal? o.O Phuqing pedophiles.. haha /emote L to forehead,” which I’m having some difficulty deciphering, notwithstanding my foray into valley girlness last week. Anyway, Jessica Rose has moved on from three-minute videos describing boys in her bathroom to an actual feature film, Perfect Sport. And the plot synopsis I managed to find suggests that it’s very similar to the recently discussed When the Other Shue Dropped Gracie, only this time, instead of being about soccer, it’s about a girl who joins her high-school wresting team and upstages her older brother. It’ll be the first feature from writer/director/actor Anthony O’Brien. It’s the second for Jessica Rose, who has a bit part in the upcoming Lindsay Lohan pic, I Know Who Killed Me, which apparently has nothing to do with the similarly named I Know What You Did Last Summer.

Elsewhere, and in better news, Rainn Wilson is set to star in Girlfriend Experience, a movie based on his own idea, which will follow a geek who hires a prostitute and pretends she’s his girlfriend in an effort to make himself look more desirable. Not to take anything away from Wilson, who is approaching iconic status for his role on “The Office,” but wasn’t that idea part of a running plotline on the most recent season of “Rescue Me?” At any rate, the script will come from Mark and Brian Gunn, who most recently wrote the script for Mighty Mouse (huh? There’s going to be a film version of Mighty Mouse? Damn it), as well as one of Steve Carell’s upcoming projects, Juvie, about a man sentenced to prison for juveniles.

As for last week’s box-office, Disturbia hung on to the top spot for the second week in a row, bringing in $13 million. Fracture debuted modestly, with $11 million; Vacancy opened poorly with $7 million; and the marketing effort for Adam Brody’s In the Land of Women completely backfired, as it opened at number eight, with less than $5 million. However, the jaw-droppingly spectacular Hot Fuzz did pretty well, taking down nearly $6 million in limited release. Do see it when it comes to your neighborhood.

This weekend offers an incredible assortment of crap. First, Next, based on another Phillip K. Dick novel, which stars Nicolas Cage (though, I think we all know that Jessica Biel’s ass will be the box-office draw here). Elsewhere, The Condemned, which looks like Running Man on an island, opens in 2,300 theaters. The flick offers the universe-ripping duo of Stone Cold Steve Austin and Vinnie Jones, and though I am reluctant to point you toward other reviews, I couldn’t resist the mind-blowing absurdity of this quote from AICN (via Galley Slaves): “The guys who are going to wear their AUSTIN 3:16 shirts to the theatre Friday morning? This is their Citizen fucking Kane. These guys are gonna lose their minds at how awesome this is.” And I’m assuming AICN is their War and Peace. The aforementioned The Invisible, based on the Swedish novel, Den Osynlige also opens in 2,000 theaters. Kickin’ It Old Skool … oh God, it’s almost two hours long (sorry, Agent Bedhead) … let’s not even talk about it, all right. In fact, if you have HDNet, you all may be better off sitting at home and watching the Paul Rudd comedy Diggers tonight, which opens in 16 theaters on the same day it airs on the Mark Cuban-owned channel.

And speaking of Paul Rudd, in the trailer watch, I give you I Could Never Be Your Woman. Granted, it looks undeniably atrocious, but I’ll watch it anyway for two reasons: It reunites Amy Heckerling (Clueless) and Rudd, and it gives Jon Lovitz his first substantive role since Rat Race. It’s still going to blow, though.

Dustin Rowles is the publisher of Pajiba. He lives with his wife in Ithaca, New York. You may email him, or leave a comment below.

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The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | April 27, 2007 | Comments ()



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