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August 14, 2008 |

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | August 14, 2008 |

Industry news is slow again this week, and I blame the Olympics. Do you have any idea how many people are watching The Olympics? Something like 80 million people saw Michael Phelps win one of his medals. I’m trying to keep up, but man: They just don’t do it for me. Does that make me unpatriotic? Am I a commie? Most of these events are like Triple Crown horseracing events — a lot of filler material, a lot of advertising, and lot of “inspirational” stories designed, apparently, to make you feel horrible if the “inspirational” athlete loses. Then, we get an event that lasts about 45 seconds. I like three-hour events and lots of beer commercials, goddamnit— these back to school ads are killing me and I’ll tell you something else: I refuse to prescribe to Plavix. Who wants a hospital bed following you around the whole goddamn city? And is it just me, or does someone break a world record in every single goddamn event? Seems to be fairly strong evidence of evolution to me.


Sorry, but in honor of the Olympics, no one came up with a new idea this week, so all the deals fall under the remakes heading. First, because he hates us, and because he’s tired of Michael Bay remaking all the shitty films into shittier films all by himself, Bret Ratner (who was created in God’s image — God’s anus, that is) is remaking Mother’s Day, with Darren Lynn Bousman (Saw II — IV, Repo The Genetic Opera! expected to direct. Here’s the trailer for the original, a semi-obscure 1980 horror film that has zero cultural capital today, though if it did, it would be based entirely on its camp-shock value, a commodity that cannot be traded on. Anyway, check out the trailer and ask yourself why they are remaking it. Then pull off your arm and beat yourself with it for asking such a stupid question:

In additional remake news, they are still trying to get the Conan the Barbarian reboot/remake off the ground, and have officially gone as far as to hire script writers, Dirk Blackman and Howard McCain. They recently wrote Outlander, as well as next year’s Underworld 3: Rise of the Lycans. It’s been fast-tracked, which means they’ll have even less time to slap together a shitty script than usual. Outstanding!

Elsewhere, not content to merely run the Ancient Greece cinematic revival into the ground and hire Jack Black to stomp on it, the studios are piggybacking on the success of 300 with a 300 sequel, a remake of Clash of the Titans, a movie about Hercules, and now, Zak Penn is writing a script for Argonauts, a hip, new happening remake of Jason and the Argonauts. Oh, the kids are gonna love it! Here’s a hilarious scene from the original — the special effects back in 1963 were top notch!


Hey! The ill-fated Tom Cruise World War II Nazi vampire alien love story (or something like that) has got a new release date. After getting pushed back to President’s Day in 2009 and raising a lot of concerns about the future of Cruise’s career, Valkyrie has been bumped back up to December 26th, during the heart of awards season. It’s actually a fairly smart move because, even if audiences hate it (though, the move was allegedly based on positive test screenings), critics and industry reporters will be too busy tolerating their in-laws to bother working up a lot of energy writing about it. Whatever. Bryan Singer directs it. How bad can it be? Oh, yeah: Superman Returns. My bad.

Megan Fox’s topless scene has been cut from Diablo Cody’sJennifer’s Body, but her lesbian kissing scene remains. Shame about the nude scene. Still, she looks like a silicone robot cloned in a petri dish from collagen.


Although this Robert Downey quote supports the Boozehound (boo!) in his Dark Knight vs. Iron Man argument, I’m going to publish it anyway, because I’m entertained by Downey’s attempts to trick us all into believing he’s an idiot. I like to blame his temporary ignorance on the stache.

“My whole thing is that that I saw ‘The Dark Knight’. I feel like I’m dumb because I feel like I don’t get how many things that are so smart. It’s like a Ferrari engine of storytelling and script writing and I’m like, ‘That’s not my idea of what I want to see in a movie.’ I loved ‘The Prestige’ but didn’t understand ‘The Dark Knight’. Didn’t get it, still can’t tell you what happened in the movie, what happened to the character and in the end they need him to be a bad guy. I’m like, ‘I get it. This is so high brow and so f—king smart, I clearly need a college education to understand this movie.’ You know what? F-ck DC comics. That’s all I have to say and that’s where I’m really coming from.” (Source)

Pretty Pictures

Because it is such a slow news week, here’s a couple of stills from Darren Aronovksy’s upcoming film, The Wrestler, which features Mickey Rourke as a wrester and Marisa Tomei as a super-fucking hot 43-year-old stripper. Because why not?



Trailer Watch

For those of you, like myself, who have long believed that Ricky Gervais could do no wrong, here’s the trailer for the upcoming Ghost Town. If we don’t make mistakes, how will we ever learn from them?

Next up, The Lucky Ones, a road-trip dramedy featuring three Iraq War vets and starring Tim Robbins and Rachel McAdams. But the real star, as always, is the super-fucking sappy Sarah McLachlan song in the trailer. Nothing says manipulative tearjerker like Sarah McLachlan!

Finally, the trailer for the Julia Roberts drama, Fireflies in the Garden presents the eternal question: Do we like Ryan Reynolds better with or without the beard? Me: I’ll take shirtless, please.

Finally, I got a huge kick out of an email I got from a MTV PR person recruiting models for their new makeover show, “Model Makers,” a show “that will give you the ultimate make-over and transform you into the model of your dreams.” The email says, “Please consider featuring this show casting on your site! I’m sure your readers will love it!” I know, right? I’m sure our readers will love it! They love MTV makeover shows! And I’m sure they would love to be on one.

All I’m saying is: It’s an easy way to sneak the Murdertank in. Here’s the deets:

If you are between the ages of 17 & 24, 5’9” to 6’ tall, and 130-190 pounds, please send a recent photo of yourself (head shots and body shots in a bathing suit) to [email protected] along with your Name, Mailing Address, Home and Cell Telephone numbers, E-mail Address, Birth Date, Height, Weight, Bust-Waist-Hip Measurements, Dress Size, Occupation.

The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Industry | August 14, 2008 |

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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