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The Sexiest Woman Alive In a BDSM Movie? OK!

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | October 11, 2012 | Comments ()


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1) I had to look up BDSM (it's bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, as well as sadomasochism), the 2) BDSM movie in question is E.L. James' Fifty Shades of Gray, which is obviously trashy literature (but very popular among people who have not discovered Internet porn!), 3) I finally looked up the plot description of the novel, only to learn that the sexy 22-year-old college student who is into BDSM, Anastasia, conveniently works in a hardware store, which provoked roars of laughter, 4) the sexy 22 year old is also a virgin who agrees to sign a non-disclosure contract before having sex with the lead character, Christian Grey, who is famous; it happens after she's introduced to the BDSM room by Grey, obviously; 5) the rub in the book comes over whether the 22-year-old Ana will sign a contract agreeing to a non-romantic BDSM relationship; she is reluctant because there is the potential of a romantic relationship, 6) she realizes the two are incompatible after he beats her with a belt; and 7) I think I might have broken my brain stem reading the plot description.

But yes: I would watch the crap out of that movie. What am I, a eunuch?

Anyway, Mila Kunis is apparently up for the lead, according to this news report I just found. Also a possibility: Emma Watson and Kristen Stewart. Ryan Gosling (will never do it) is also in contention for the male lead, along with Ian Somerhalder (who wouldn't blink before accepting).

Kelly Marcel ("Terra Nova") has been tapped to pen the screenplay. Here's a GIF of Mila Kunis ... having her feet tickled.


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  • please no

    LE FUCKING SIGH.

  • cuddles

    Umm...I have read all the books and I Can NOT, and do not see Mila Kunis. Playing the part Of Anastasia Steele....Kristen Stewart could do it a lot better...

  • Lee

    I am absolutely staggered that such badly written and BORING repetitive drivel has reached the heights it has. BUT it was so worth slogging laboriously through the first book with its unlikeable leads, just to appreciate recraps like this one: http://speaker7.wordpress.com/...

    Heeelarious.
    Btw, I cannot imagine how this material could be cinematic in any way - almost nothing happens.

  • Quatermain

    "the rub in the book comes over..." Did you do that on purpose, or am I just being 13 years old again?

  • Archie Leach

    Trash penned by someone that finds the work of hack stephanie meyer to be "serious authorship". Yeah I'll camp out to be one of the first ones to get into the movie theater to see it. You bet.

    Oh, Mila Kunis will NEVER take the role.

  • Natallica

    Mila would spank Somerhalder's ass instead of the other way. She has too much personality for this stupid thing. Just imagine her uttering "oh, my" as many times as Anastasia seems to do in the book

  • Rooks

    (but very popular among people who have not discovered Internet porn!)

    ... and fanfiction. Especially slash fanfiction. There is stuff out there that makes facefanning an extreme sport... or so I've heard.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    DR...you didn't know what BDSM stood for...have YOU discovered internet porn?

    I'm not shaming your ignorance; I'm incredulous that you haven't come across the phrase before. You should read some Dan Savage.

  • L.O.V.E.

    You folks complaining about Mila doing this movie are missing the point.

    Leave the movie, take the resulting gifs (per above).

    Movie goers lose, but the internet wins.

  • fracas

    Monica Belucci is still alive, right?

  • BWeaves

    I'm sorry, but the obvious casting choice is Linsay Lohan.

  • Mila, un-photoshop your arse please. It's usually fantastic - there it looks like it's made out of fucking clay.

  • Ley

    I'd see this movie if it somehow had a narrator and a character's inner voice, and both are voiced by Gilbert Gottfried.

  • shardik

    "inner goddess" you mean

  • the other courtney

    I. don't. get. it. What kind of a plot are they hoping to purge and serve up from that drivel?
    Don't get me wrong, I understand the appeal of sexytimes and smut, but there is no story there.
    What really confuses me is that I saw an interview with the author and I actually liked the woman - she seems to be all too aware of the fact that it's a crappy series and seems almost embarrassed by the accolades. I want to hate her, but I can't.
    I even understand some of my friends getting all hot and spanky over the book - hey, whatever floats your boat. But still... remove any reference to sex and there IS NO PLOT.

  • Leelee

    I refuse to believe that Mila freaking Kunis needs a job so badly that she would do this film. Seriously - Mila Kunis and the tampon scene? I CAN'T.

  • Carlito

    Kristen Stewart as Anastasia and Robert Pattinson as Christian Grey.

    Search your feelings, you know it to be true.

  • Pants_are_a_must

    Or just search the internet, because that's how whatsherface wrote them.

  • Carlito

    Yes, I know. That's the joke. Hence why I made it.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    you needed the sarcasm font.

  • Carlito

    This isn't Ikea. I can't always provide step-by-step assembly instructions for my cheaply-made product.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Now I want some cinnamon buns. Thanks.

  • Pants_are_a_must

    Touché.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    Not my Mila!

  • John G.

    Our Mila is currently in bed next to Ashton Kutcher. Ashton FUCKING Kutcher!!!! no old lady porn movie is worse than that. Macaulay Culkin wasn't even worse than that.

  • L.O.V.E.

    Macaulay Culkins' needle tracks respectfully disagree with that assessment.

  • Bedewcrock

    HE'S JUST ON A NEW DIET.

  • lowercase_ryan

    x 1000

  • Soda

    I hate that book with all that I'm worth (and I'm a great big fan of BDSM). I don't care one way or the other about Mila Kunis, but anyone EVER who agrees to do that movie is dead to me.

  • L.O.V.E.

    She was already dead to us for dating Ashton.

    Now she's just a really attractive zombie and/or vampire with a cool personality.

    I would let her feed on me. I have no regrets.

  • Bedewcrock

    Solidarity! I loathe that character. LOATHE.

    Which reminds me, have you read The Oatmeal's breakdown of Twilight? Just insert 50 Shades of Grey everywhere they use Twilight. I like the "empty shell" analysis. (http://theoatmeal.com/story/tw...

  • Soda

    That breakdown is brilliant. As is this review of 50 Shades of Dreck:
    http://www.goodreads.com/revie...

  • Bedewcrock

    Yes! In a warped way I want another shitty trilogy like that to come out just so I can read her snarky and gif-filled reviews. :)

  • Anna von Beav

    Oh, lordy. I really REALLY hope it's not Mila and Ian, because then I'll have to watch this. But I can't. But I'll have to. But I can't. But I'll have to. GAH.

  • MGMcD

    I know, it pains me to say it, but that much pretty would draw me in like a tractor beam. I'd cry in the shower afterward, but I'd still go see it.

  • John W

    SSSSSSSSSCCCCCCCEEEEEECCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!! WHOA!

    What you talking 'bout Wills?

  • Pants_are_a_must

    How about no.

    No offense to the Kunis, but that movie will be to BDSM what Shame was for sex.

  • John G.

    Shame was about addiction. Shame was about detachment. Shame was about Shame. It wasn't about sex. Go watch it again with your brain turned on.

  • Pants_are_a_must

    It's nice how you're being a condescending asshole in here, when no one was (or is still) talking about Shame as anything more than that movie where everyone got to see Fassbender's penis.

  • John G.

    Well, I think it's a really good movie, if you can get past the obvious surface level involving sex. It's worth the time to review it for it's representation of isolation. The sterile quality of the cinematography lends itself nicely to the subject matter, and the performances are appropriately distant. In fact, Fassbender feels more like an android in this performance than in Prometheus performance where he was an android.

    I'm sorry for being condescending, but I've seen far too many people claim this interesting film was just about sex, and now it makes me bristle a little bit. Steve McQueen is a talented new director. His Hunger from 2008 was a masterpiece, and this is right up there too, and I hate to see it dismissed as just a film about sex. And don't even get me started on the repressed American obsession with pee-pee parts that makes even elderly accomplished film critics talk like 10 year old boys when they see a penis on screen.

  • Nothing Wrong with some fassbender penis.

  • bblackmoor

    I hope they cast Kristen Stewart, so I won't even be tempted to waste money on this train wreck.

  • Andrew J Moore

    Ironically, 50 shades started it's life as erotic Twilight fan-fiction. So... it would be an appropriate casting.

  • Brown

    The header picture reminds me why I don't get her being considered attractive on the level she is suppose to be. 50 Shades of Gray is essentially the porn equivalent of Twilight.

  • Ozioma

    It's funny you say that, because 50 Shades of Shit was actually Twilight fanfic before the author decided to make money off it.

  • John G.

    Go to the doctor immediately. There's something terribly wrong with your eyes.

  • pajiba

    Twilight would be a lot more fun if Twilight were the porn equivalent of Twilight.

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