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The Root of Your Child's Attention Deficit Disorder Now Coming to the Big Screen in Glorious 3D CGI Animation

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | July 31, 2014 | Comments ()


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I am absolutely convinced, and I will not entertain any notions to the contrary, that SpongeBob Squarepants is singularly responsible for the drastic increase in attention deficit disorder among school-aged children. The entire show is made up of rapid-fire non-sequiturs loosely held together by juice-box stickiness and sneaker velcro. And when all this wonderful, colorful nonsense is blasted at your children, it rewires their brains. It gets in there. It gets in deep. And by the time your kid is in the second grade, he can no longer function because people in the real world talk at a normal rate of speed and speak with a measure of logic. It doesn’t compute.

Need loud-talking cheese-looking sponge to machine-gun adult pop-culture references and smack self. WHERE’S RED BULL? DADDY, I NEED RED BULL. GIVEMESOMEFUCKINGCRACK.



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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • Sara_Tonin00

    Grr. This news pisses me off, since my opera company just loaded in today, and the live show of SpongeBob left gouges in the floor of the theater we've rented. Thanks for the extra stress, you spineless pineapple-dweller.

  • OK so that's probably true, but whatever, I don't have kids and I LOVE Spongebob and his dumb face. I won't watch this, ever, but...OK I really want an action figure. Patrick looks so cute.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Remember when Tim Daly blamed Sesame Street for ADD? Good times.

  • meh

    DOBROS DON'T SOUND LIKE THAT.

    sorry, musician twitch.

  • Nail Polish Color

    I unabashedly love Spongebob. I love how pleasant he is and how he's always trying to maintain his friendships. Love love love.
    that being said...I'll probably skip this

  • Jason Byrd Marshall

    Was that... Fat Slash?

  • TacoBellRey

    Spongebob may not be the reason for my A.D.D. , but it certainly influenced the decisions that caused me to start playing with dish sponges.

  • southworth
  • irmaagregg

    my Aunty
    Ellie recently got a fantastic red Subaru WRX by work part-time using a
    lap-top... Read Full Report J­a­m­2­0­.­C­O­M­

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