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Do You Smell What He's Cooking? Roadkill Au Jus.

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (24)

the_rock.jpg

Dwayne Johnson, The Rock himself, has managed to stoop lower than that Tooth Fairy crapsplosion of earlier this year by signing onto the latest installment of the endless The Fast and the Furious franchise. This news has been leaked to the world by Tyrese Gibson on his Twitter account. Mr. Gibson eloquently pronounced: “Major shouts to Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, & Dewayne “Rock” Johnson!! “Fast & Furious Five” Let’s get em again!!”

I always really liked The Rock, and have found his abysmal choice in scripts over the years to be sharply painful. He’s got the brawn to pull off the old school eighties action hero look that died out at some point (likely of heart complications resulting from steroid use), but he’s also got a gift for comic timing that shines in his SNL appearances and the occasional film like The Rundown. The problem is that he started on Ahnold’s career trajectory and then got the directions confused and launched straight into the Kindergarten Cop era while never nailing down the Predator and Terminator era for posterity.

When I first heard about the Rodriguez Predator film that intended to go back to the roots of the original, my first thought was that they were going to get the Rock to fill the Governator’s shoes. He just naturally fits the mold to a T, unlike most any other actor working today. So yet another shit role in another shit movie? Guy needs to fire his agent.

Oh and related news: The film will be called Fast 5, which I’m pretty sure is also the name of those little five number lottery tickets they sell at gas stations. Come on though, Fast 5? That’s dumb, but nowhere near as atrocious as 5nal Destination. Have some pride Fast & Furious, you’re the reigning champion of nonsensical sequel plays on numbers, you’ve got to do better than Fast 5. 5ast & 5urious? F5F? Fast V Furious? I believe in you, no one can outdumb your title selections.









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Comments

"Do you smell what he's cooking?"

Premature retirement, via paycheck projects? Either that, or a light Greek salad with reduced fat Feta, kalamata olives, onions, and grape leaves. Mmm...grape leaves.

Posted by: DoctorControversy at July 13, 2010 10:55 AM

Fa5t & Furiou5

duh.

Posted by: Rykker at July 13, 2010 10:57 AM

Or perhaps Vast & Vurious, Fast5r & Furious5r, FFFFF (or is that last one The Fantastic Four III)?

I still read that other movie as Anal Destination, but then again, I have the mind of a twelve year old.

Posted by: Dugs at July 13, 2010 11:01 AM

And when they get to the 25th installment (you know they will) they can call it 2-5ast 2-5urious.

I'll shut up now.

Posted by: Dugs at July 13, 2010 11:04 AM

F5-In big 164 point shiny chrome font on a teaser poster. And apparently the Rock is cooking a big old pot of macaroni and cheese. With extra cheese.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at July 13, 2010 11:09 AM

I think it's perfectly clear that 'Doom' was his high watermark. After that it was always going to be downhill.

Posted by: Alex at July 13, 2010 11:12 AM

Which would be more embarrassing to buy tickets for: "Anal Destination" or "FFFFF"?

Posted by: Paul Southworth at July 13, 2010 11:21 AM

Paul: They'll probably be straight to DVD. Although renting them would pose similar problems. Netflixxx maybe?

Posted by: Dugs at July 13, 2010 11:25 AM

'Anal Destination: FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU'

Posted by: Alex at July 13, 2010 11:26 AM

2 Furious 2 Fast could be for the premature ejaculation fetishists.

Posted by: Dugs at July 13, 2010 11:31 AM

'Tokyo Drift' just makes me think of a Japanese guy in a mullet wearing chunky white trainers pissing on a car in a fierce gale. That probably IS some kind of valid fetish there.

Posted by: Alex at July 13, 2010 11:40 AM

WITH a mullet. Not IN a mullet. That sounds like he's standing inside a giant mullet. Or is being held from behind by a giant mutant mullet that I imagine to be something like that Halloween episode of the Simpsons when Snake's hair takes over homer.

Posted by: a at July 13, 2010 11:43 AM

What pains me the most about Dwayne Johnson is that a couple years ago I remember reading about a project, and I may have read it here, where he would be playing King Kamehameha in a biopic about the polynesian leader. Seeing as how he is a direct of the Alii people and now a tribal elder himself, as noted by his amazing ink, i was stoked to hear this. Now...nothing.

Please please please...someone tell me they'd heard the same rumor. And if I made it up, can someone write a biopic about Kamehameha and cast The Rock?

Posted by: PissBoy at July 13, 2010 2:19 PM

direct descendant*

Posted by: PissBoy at July 13, 2010 2:21 PM

PissBoy, since we all know that if you pound on rumors long enough, they become the truth, I'll help:

Isn't there a Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and a Kamehameha biopic in the works? I think I heard that from The Rock's agent's second cousin's monkey's uncle.

Posted by: MM at July 13, 2010 2:33 PM

Jesus Christ, that header pic reminds me why that man was responsible for my sexual awakening.

Posted by: Aislinn at July 13, 2010 3:02 PM

MM!

OMG! I think you're right!!!! I just read about it on the internetz on some website whose name escapes me...I just remember that it sounds a bit like a lady's squishy pieces.

But yeah! i heard it too! The Rock will play King Kamehameha in a biopic, being produced and directed by Steven Spielberg. Everything else is purely spec right now but I heard James Earl Jones is expected to sign on as his father, and Aaron Eckhart and Christian Bale set to play Isaac Davis and John Young.

This is gonna be epic!!

Posted by: PissBoy at July 13, 2010 3:42 PM

Hey MM...

This is a great idea, but in the end we're just gonna be let down. It's like being a starving man, pining for food.

Then OMG, a chef appears! And he has shown glimpses of ability to create the most wonderful meals. But then he pulls out 2 slices of stale whitebread, dropps his trousers, and gives you a nice homemade shitburger.

Pick some better fucking scripts Rock! I don't wanna have to take you Know Your Role Boulevard, to the corner of Jabroni Drive and check you directly into the Smackdown Hotel!

Posted by: PissBoy at July 13, 2010 3:49 PM

I think I'd like a hug in a mullet

Posted by: Nadine at July 13, 2010 3:50 PM

*weeps for wasted hotness*

Posted by: Chickaboom at July 13, 2010 3:54 PM

But then he pulls out 2 slices of stale whitebread, dropps his trousers, and gives you a nice homemade shitburger.

Oh PissBoy... you speak the truth. Still, they can't take away our dreams, can they? Oh wait, yes they can. Raisin in the sun and all that...

Posted by: MM at July 13, 2010 5:03 PM

Pajiba just doesn't get what the Fast & Furious franchise is all about so just go back to

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at July 13, 2010 5:31 PM

Pajiba just doesn't get what the Fast & Furious franchise is all about so just go back to squeeing over the next Zoey Deschanel project and leave it to the men.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at July 13, 2010 5:32 PM

" It's like being a starving man, pining for food.
Then OMG, a chef appears! And he has shown glimpses of ability to create the most wonderful meals. But then he pulls out 2 slices of stale whitebread, dropps his trousers, and gives you a nice homemade shitburger."

Disgusting, but awesome. I read it five minutes ago and I'm still laughing. I immediately pictured Dwayne Johnson in a the outfit in the banner picture, only with a chef's hat and an apron over it, doing exactly what you described. I just got here from the I Spit On Your Grave Discussion, so I think I needed the levity more than I realized.

I feel sorry for Dwayne. He seems intelligent, and I agree about his comic timing, so I don't know why this is happening to him. I'd like to comfort him. Perhaps he should call Jason Statham and they could work on a fun action movie where they manage to wear as few items of clothing as possible. It should be set on a tropical island somewhere. Dwayne has an electric smile, so he should do that in the movie from time to time. Statham should just glower and kill people with discarded items of his own clothing.

Posted by: Viking at July 14, 2010 12:31 AM