The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles
Trade News | August 28, 2008 | Comments ()
Who doesn’t love this new reboot phase Hollywood is going through? Why bother with remakes and sequels when you can simply recast the lead, find a new director, give it a dark sheen, and absolve all your sins. It’s like being a Baptist, you know: Go out and murder, thieve, and pillage, then find Jesus. Absolution! It worked for Batman, it sort of worked for The Hulk, and it looks like it may work for The Terminator (which is one of those newfangled reboot/sequel hybrids). If your character is intriguing enough, moviegoers will forgive.
Of course, most Baptists know that you can only get saved once — try it again, and you call your faith in Jesus into question, as if to say: “I’m not sure it worked; lemme have another crack at it.” And so it is with Superman. Having run the Christopher Reeve franchise into the ground (R.I.P.), Warner Brothers sought to bring it back, going so far as naming the reboot’s first entry, Superman Returns. Well now, it looks like Warner Brothers (still sporting that strong Dark Knight wood) is considering re-rebooting the Superman franchise by, perhaps, giving it a darker tone, recasting the lead, and undoubtedly giving their reboot squared this title, Superman Returns: This Time, It’s for Real (Unless We Fuck It Up Again). Word is, even Bryan Singer is expendable, which is OK with me if it means he’ll go back to making good movies that aren’t based on comic books. Jesus doesn’t appreciate those who doubt, and neither do moviegoers.
Now, what can we do about getting a darker, edgier Indiana Jones reboot, with Josh Brolin in the lead? And then we can start on that sinister Police Academy franchise.
Speaking of reboots and The Dark Knight, the UK Telegraph — that fact-checking bastion of journalistic integrity — is reporting (and by reporting, I mean “making it up”) that Christopher Nolan is adding Cat Woman to the cast of the third Batman film, and that his first choice is … wait for it … wait for it … (stop reading ahead, goddamnit … I said … wait for it, bitches …) Cheryl Sarkisian LaPiere, better known to the straight people as Cher.
Yeah, that Cher.
Of course, it can’t be true. I’m sure the “studio executive” quoted for the story was actually a bitter, sabotaging executive for Marvel Studios, but it is good for a good laugh. The dumbass “studio executive” also suggested that Johnny Depp has been cast as The Riddler. Where do they get this shit? Obviously, everyone knows that Pauly Shore has been cast as The Riddler, buuuuuuuudy.
Of course, a ludicrous story reporting that Cher will be tapped to play Catwoman is almost as ridiculous as a real account that Aaron Sorkin will be writing a movie about Facebook. As Sorkin himself wrote on his Facebook page:
“I’ve just agreed to write a movie for Sony and producer Scott Rudin about how Facebook was invented. I figured a good first step in my preparation would be finding out what Facebook is, so I’ve started this page. (Actually it was started by my researcher, Ian Reichbach, because my grandmother has more Internet savvy than I do and she’s been dead for 33 years.)
Oh, Aaron: What the fuck, dude? Stick to what you know: Sports, politics, and schmaltz. It’s what we love you for. We don’t care about how Facebook was invented, only how we can stop friends from high school from befriending us despite the fact that we haven’t talked in over a decade. Seriously: It freaks my shit out. We barely talked then, why do you think we need to be friends now? Oh, the irony: I lived in a trailer, and wanted to get into your vagina, and now you live in a trailer and I run a site that sounds like vagina. Facebook: Bringing estranged acquaintances together since 2006!
Signs of the Apocalypse
I just received an email from Universal Pictures telling me that this Friday, August 29th, a special “Sing-Along” edition of Mamma Mia will be playing in select theaters across the nation. I’m assuming most of them are in Texas, and that the governor there has found a special form of capital punishment that’s crueler and more unusual than ever!
We mentioned a few months ago that a Children of the Corn remake was being discussed, an 80s horror movie based on a Stephen King novella that scared the shit out of anyone under the age of 13 at the time (I can’t speak for those older than 13, but I’m guessing they thought it sucked. I mean: How scary is corn to an adult? Conversely, what kid isn’t absolutely terrified of corn? See what I’m saying?). Anyway, it looks like they are going ahead with it, only they are doing it for the small screen, as part of the Sci Fi Channel’s “Original Movie.” I’m not really following the logic of calling a remake an original movie, but the two leads will be David Anders from “Heroes,” and Kandyse McClure from the “Battlestar Galactica” so, at least the Sci Fi channel knows its audience.
Here’s one from I Love You Phillip Morris, about a married prisoner (Jim Carrey) who falls in love with his cellmate (Ewan McGregor). The twist here, I guess, is that they are famous straight actors playing gay lovers! Get it? Get it?
You may remember, a few months ago, when we mentioned that Werner Herzog — who is, you know, the Werner Herzog of directors — is directing a remake of Bad Lieutenant, with Nic Cage in the lead role. Pretty awful idea, right? Well, don’t take it from me, take it from Abel Ferrara, the film’s original’s director, who said:
“I wish those people would die in hell,” he told reporters when asked what he thought of the remake plan. “Nick Cage, Werner Herzog … I hope they’re in the same streetcar when it blows up.”
Mini-diversion: Who else can we throw into that streetcar?
We missed it, largely because I have no idea who he is, but Julius Carry died last week, a reader reports. Carry, according to iMBD “was most famous for his role as “Sho Nuff” in cult 1985 martial arts film The Last Dragon. He enjoyed a long career in the TV industry, starring in shows such as 1989’s “Doctor, Doctor” and making notable appearances in “JAG,” “Diagnosis Murder” and “Spin City.”
Here’s the trailer for City of Ember. The good news: It stars Bill freakin’ Murray and Tim Robbins. The bad news: It’s a family adventure movie that I think is about sewing or something. Hell, I dunno. You tell me:
And here’s the trailer for New York, I Love You, a movie full of shorts about the city of New York, similar to — and from the same producers — as Paris, je t’aime, a movie that so bored me that I couldn’t bring myself to review it. I know: I’m such a fucking populist. Sue me. Anyway, New York, I Love You looks decidedly better for one simple reason: Everything that features Olivia Thirlby is worth watching. And, because it’s an anthology, it also stars every single actor or actress in Hollywood (p.s. those damned trailer editors are trying to ruin Feist for me, but it won’t work, you assholes. It won’t work!)