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October 2, 2007 | Comments ()


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The Pajiba Chug

The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | October 2, 2007 | Comments ()


So, it looks like the Jackass men, having gone over a year without shoving something into their asses, have a sudden thirst for anal penetration again. Indeed, Steve-O let slip last week that a third Jackass flick is in the works. Those poor, poor closeted men must yet again resort to childish pranks and dangerous stunts in order to experience the genuine thrill of man-on-man love (or, rather, man-in-man love). So, the gang is going to get back together and, from what I understand, they are going to make the third installment, bigger, better, and more penetrative. There’s a rumor — and seriously, it’s just a rumor, I don’t know how these things get started, but I blame Brett Ratner — that in the third film, they are actually going to launch Wee Man from a canon and into Steve-O’s backside. One cast member actually gets a perforated intestine in this one. Personally, I just hope that in Jackass: Number Three, those boys will just come right out and admit that the reason they drink animal ejaculate and fill the void in their anal cavities is because they all, in fact, love one another. Deeply and intensely. If, in the summer of 2008, we can finally bring (somewhat abusive) gay relationships to mainstream audiences, perhaps we can begin to move past the sort of hand-drawn gay caricatures that Adam Sandler and Kevin James are still mired in.

And before I move on, let me just direct you to the memorable quotes section on IMDb for Jackass: Number Two. Sure, sure — I like to mock them for the homoerotic undertones, but, come on: Here’s a sample of five quotes from the movie, and tell me it doesn’t sound like gay porn:

Johnny Knoxville: Rectal bleeding… another first for Jackass.

Johnny Knoxville: If your asshole can’t see the camera, the camera can’t see your asshole.

Dave England: Oh God! Oh… Oh… Oh God!… my ass hurts so fucking bad!

April Margera: Oh my God, you had the cutest butt ever, why did you have to go around and ruin it?
Bam Margera: I didn’t, Dick Farm Dunn did.

Steve-O: I’m Steve-O, and sorry, Dad, but no one’s gonna miss this for the world. This is the Butt Chug.

The evidence, folks, is overwhelming.

And speaking of Kevin James, he’s writing, starring in and producing a film entitled Mall Cop. Of course, he’s not directing, because it’s the one major filmmaking role that you can’t completely bumble your way through (though, Brian Robbins would beg to differ). Granted, I have an inexplicable fondness for James, and I actually think that a comedy centered on a mall cop has some John Hughesian potential — if Ben Folds can write a song about a mall cop, then Kevin James ought to be able to write a film about one (though, there’s a reason Folds’ “Rent-A-Cop” is a b-side). But, any — and I mean any — potential this movie might have had basically evaporated the second I learned that it will be produced by Adam Sandler’s Happy Madison productions, which of course means that Sandler’s regulars will dominate the bit parts (Rob Schneider, Allen Covert, Peter Dante, a few “SNL” cast-offs and, if we’re lucky, John Turturro). The flimsy, one-joke premise (Happy Madison’s forte) is that a mild-mannered cop is suddenly thrust into action when a band of thieves take over the mall. Chances are, Kevin James will also get a completely unrealistic, one-note love interest like, say, Sienna Miller (too bad it won’t be Johnny Knoxville).

In case you hadn’t heard, Jackie Chan wrote on his blog this week that he wasn’t a fan of the Rush Hour films he made with Chris Tucker and Bret Ratner (the sole source of all the world’s ills). In fact, he wrote of Rush Hour 3: “I spent four months making this film and I still don’t fully understand the humor.” You and me both, brother. You and me both.

But, speaking of bad Asian-influenced American flicks and Jackie Chan, this next item is almost too embarrassing to have to write, but there are actual reports floating in these here interwebs — reports so plentiful that I can no longer disbelieve them — that there will be a Karate Kid remake. And before you reach for the rape-your-childhood punchline too quickly, it gets worse. So much worse. So very much worse. It will be directed by Will Smith. Now, I have absolutely nothing against Will Smith, mind you — in fact, as far as working big-time blockbuster movie studs go, he’s totally top five. And sure, maybe he’s got some talent behind the camera, but that’s not why he’s making this movie. He’s making it because he wants his nine-year-old son, Jaden, to play the lead (and reports suggest that Jackie Chan will further degrade himself by playing Mr. Miyagi). Seriously: I think that Mr. Smith has been hanging with the Cruises too long; this is the sort of dumbass vanity project that Tom would resort to. I’m completely embarrassed for Mr. Smith. Don’t be that guy, Will. The guy that foists his own son into the business to feed your own ego. Damn.

In today’s trailer watch, I actually have two: One of my own, and one by request. A reader, Gabrielle, suggested that we run the trailer for the big-screen adaptation of one of The Greatest Books of our Generation: The Kite Runner, which arrives later this fall. It looks modestly decent, though the trailer suggests that the film will have a difficult time evoking the tenor of the novel, but since Marc Forster (Stranger Than Fiction, Finding Neverland) is directing, I’m all too willing to give it the benefit of the doubt. However, Gabrielle also pointed me to this story, which I’ll let you all peruse and form an opinion yourself.

And then there is the trailer for Martian Child and it, like the aforementioned Will Smith’s The Pursuit of Happyness looks predictable, formulaic, and manipulative as all hell, but goddamn the last 30 seconds of this trailer make my heart ache. John Cusack in the role of a father: I am your bitch. Damn you, Ratner.

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