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April 15, 2008 |

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | April 15, 2008 |

I am not feeling it this morning. I got the trade round-up blues, y’all — the industry news is nothing but a bed full of suck, and I don’t want to fuck in it. I gotta soft-serve writer’s woody and don’t feel like sticking it anywhere but back in its holster until something worth writing about comes along.

But you folks come for the lowlights, so I reckon I’m obliged to offer them up. Here’s the lowest of the lights: It’s been confirmed by Mike Myers himself that there will be another installment in the embarrassingly dated, not-that-funny-to-begin-with Austin Powers franchise. A script has already been written, and Giselle Bundchen — Tom Brady’s receptacle of smug — is apparently up for a role. Shaggadelic! Oh, gawd, kill me, kill me, kill me three-times dead. Then do a little Flatliners action on my corpse and fling me into a helicopter rotor. Save Me Crystal Meth! What are they going to call this one: Austin Powers 4: GoldenDouche?

Elsewhere, before the third installment has even hit theaters (and yes, the next one will be on the big screen), a fourth installment to the High School Musical franchise has already been greenlit. Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens won’t be returning, but I suspect that means nothing to the most of you who don’t know who the hell they are (the latter, I believe, has been espied topless on the nets, while the former is in the next Linklater flick. I shit you negative.). Frankly, I don’t know what the storyline will entail, but here’s hoping a terrorist organization infiltrates the high school and the musical numbers involve C-4 explosives. Actually, if the producers really want to light up the stage, bring in Jason Statham and turn the motherfucker out. Dig?

In this week’s nostalgia fuck, do y’all remember Punky Brewster? Aside from an insane prepubescent crush on Soleil Moon Frye, I have only vague recollections of the show — quirky clothes, a dog, and a grandfather who bore some resemblance to Leslie Nielson (iMDB tells me it was George Gaynes — close enough). Anyway, it’s being adapted for the screen, Brandon the Wonder Dog and all. And, as you might expect, Hannah Montana will be playing Punky (wasn’t Punky much younger?). Anyway, to bring the whole Generation X/Y deal full circle, you’ll never guess who is directing? Fred Savage! Believe it or not, he’s no stranger to directing: He helmed last year’s (awful) Daddy Day Camp, as well as several episodes of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.” I suppose a Punky Brewster remake almost makes sense.

How many of you had to suffer through Emily Bronte’s Wuthering Heights in high school? Now, there was a cheery goddamn novel. Well, since Hollywood doesn’t even bother with original adult films anymore (and loves the idea of inflicting the excruciation of high-school literature on us all over again), they’re remaking Heights for the big screen again, for something like the 10th time (actually, if you count TV and foreign productions, it will actually be the 14th time). Natalie Portman is lobbying for the role of Catherine Earnshaw, who sleeps with her adopted brother and eventually descends into madness, because that’s what people did back in the 18th century — everyone was Britney. John Maybury (The Jacket) is directing. I will be playing the role of embittered, put-upon movie critic. Look for it in theaters in 2010.

In sequels that absolutely don’t warrant being made, somebody got it in his head that it’d be a great idea to offer up a sequel to The Sword and the Sorcerer, 26 years after the original performed only modestly at the box office. Weirder news: Lee Horsley will be returning, and he’ll also be 26 years older. Apparently, however, Tales of the Ancient Empire, which will also be directed by Albert Pyun, is only a sequel in spirit. Kevin Sorbo and Christoper Lambert have also been cast.

Zack Snyder, the visionary behind 300, has been attached to a kid’s film, believe it or not. He will direct Guardians of Ga’Hoole based on a series of children’s books by Kathryn Lasky. The film is “set in the Forest of Tyto, where Barn Owls live in peace until their kingdom is threatened by an evil that could destroy their home.” Guardians will be Snyder’s follow-up to Watchmen.

How’s this for a concept: “A shy college kid learns that his blog will be the basis for society a 1,000 years from now unless aliens from the future kill him first.” That’s the logline for Ben Wexler’s Bobism, which has just been picked up by MGM. One person says of the script, “If Midnight Run and Terminator got married and birthed a Superbad child, this is that movie.” I’m almost willing to see Bobism based purely on the audacity of that description.

Before moving on to the trailer watch, I would like to point out that one of the above items was completely fabricated. I pulled it out of my ass. I’m not going to say which one, however, because it was the only motivation I had for writing today’s round-up. Besides, if it’s not true today, it doesn’t mean it won’t be tomorrow.

Today’s first trailer is for American Teen, a documentary described as a modern-day version of The Breakfast Club. And I don’t mind saying that, after two and minutes 48 seconds, I think I’m in love with this movie:

Next up, I saw the trailer for The Strangers attached to Prom Night on Friday, and I thought, perhaps, that my fondness for Scott Speedman was clouding my judgment. But then a commenter confirmed it: This movie looks freaky good, in a late-night, give-you-the-fucking willies sort of way. It won’t have the same impact watching it on YouTube from your well-lit cubicle, but imagine watching it in the dark, late at night, completely alone. There’s even a split-second image, at 1:46, that looks positively iconic.

FYI: It’s tax day. Get to it. Also, 17 days until Iron Man.

The Pajiba Blues

The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Industry | April 15, 2008 |

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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