The Mother of All Bad Acting Performances

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (24)

Holy Mother of Baby Satan! A few weeks back, I had the unfortunate experience of having to suffer through Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li. Terrible movie, although it featured one of the best — if not the best — series of ham-stealing scenes in all of cinema. As I wrote in my review:

“I sorely underestimated the comic-potential of Chris Klein. Oh my fucking God, people. He is a comedic tour de force. He plays Charlie Nash, a Bangkok cop (there is no explanation as to why he lives in Bangkok). He’s got terrible face scruff, wispy hair, and puts up the most amusing Clint Eastwood front I’ve ever witnessed on film. He flares his nostrils angrily. He squints menacingly. He looks at a female cop’s ass and delivers this line with such delicious, leery, hard-boiled earnestness: “I love this job.” He rolls around on the ground and shoots his wee little pistol with conviction. He ends every imperative with, “CHARLIE NASH. OUT!” He is the most hilariously awful badass I’ve seen since the New Kids morphed into NKOTB and rolled out “Dirty Dawg”: ‘Why you gotta act like a tramp —HOO — A wet food stamp.” If you could extract Klein’s scenes and string them together into one film, Judd Apatow would fall to his knees in envy. He would cry because he could never duplicate it. It is impossible to create hilarity of that level intentionally. It has to be organically atrocious. Chris Klein is now my unintentional comedy god.”

Someone clearly agreed with me, and has done us all the favor of compiling all of Chris Klein’s scenes into a short, compact 10 minute YouTube clip of Glorious Cheese. This shit is Ricotta, folks. Pay special attention to the flared nostrils at the 2:30 mark, and the Walkie-Talkie greatness starting at the 8:50 mark. It is beautiful, and it will no doubt be pulled from YouTube in no time. Get it while you can. NASH OUT.

(Hat Tip to Mick J., you glorious bastard, for sending me the clip).

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Comments

I was going to ask what happened to him, but then I realized that this is the direction the poor fool was always headed in.

Posted by: Kolby at March 13, 2009 9:56 AM

Eh. It's not Nick Cage in Wicker Man. THAT was sacktastic acting.

How'd it get burned? HOW'D IT GET BURNED?

Posted by: Withnail at March 13, 2009 10:06 AM

I'm pleased to say that I appreciate your sense of humor, Dustin. Without you, I would have never watched Final Destination. I'll be sure to watch this when I get home, because the damn school blocks Youtube.

Posted by: George at March 13, 2009 10:08 AM

Withnail

YouTube has a couple 'best of' Wicker Man Nick Cage collections, including one where they splice in Wicker Man footage into that movie where he is investigating the snuff film, so it's Nick Cage grimacing and flinching at his own bad acting. Aces.

Also Mega Wicker Man, which I still find hilarious for some reason.

Posted by: twig at March 13, 2009 10:16 AM

Doesn't EVERYONE walk through the raindrops? Wouldn't this international man of mystery need to walk BETWEEN the raindrops to do something impressive?

I love how all the cops go tearing out of the office to . . . check tax records and deeds, I guess.

"You too, huh?"

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at March 13, 2009 10:18 AM

Can't watch the trailer at work, but isn't this the shit-fest with Lana Lang herself, Kristin Kreuk, in it??? Holy fraggin' crap, it'll be SHITATISTIC!!!

Posted by: dammitjanet at March 13, 2009 10:18 AM

All I know is every time I heard "Nash" I kept thinking of Eddie Murphy in "Pluto Nash" and then seizuring out for a couple of minutes. I don't think I can make it through the clips....

Posted by: Diablo at March 13, 2009 10:23 AM

"charlienashinterpoldon'tshoot!" wow.

Posted by: farik at March 13, 2009 10:25 AM

Is he trying to channel Eastwood, or is he just really constipated?

Posted by: admin at March 13, 2009 10:26 AM

I just love the little pop-up right after he first mentions Bison. 'Looser neckbones than the average black woman.'

No idea what it means but it was random enough to be funny and make me choke on my diet coke.

Posted by: PissBoy at March 13, 2009 10:31 AM

i would still fuck every hole in that man's body.

even the nostrils.

especially the left one. MMM!

Posted by: gp at March 13, 2009 10:33 AM

Sorry... more boring than funny, but good try.

Now if Nicholas Cage was in the remake of Zardoz, THAT would be mindblowingly craptastic.

I can only dream...

Posted by: OldSchool60 at March 13, 2009 11:01 AM

I think I love him

Pray tell, have any of you seen Hank and Mike?
His performance as Conrad Hubriss(intentionally named) is outstanding in much the same way, just brillianlty comically over the top sneering and squinting and evil looking at everybody.

He might be brilliant, Might Klein.
He might just be

Posted by: nadine at March 13, 2009 11:19 AM

Glorious.

Posted by: JoeyBoney at March 13, 2009 11:27 AM

You have to take into account, though, that Chris Klein is the victim of a Scientological curse, placed upon him to ensure that he never tries to rescue Katie Holmes from the clutches of Xenu/Tom Cruise. It's the same curse that killed Joshua Jackson (R.I.P.). We should all be thankful that JJ's suffering was quick and painless--he could have ended up like Klein, who must eternally pretend that he is a horrible actor in order to avoid the wrath of alien gods.

Or maybe he's just a really shitty actor. Either way.

Posted by: Bethany at March 13, 2009 11:51 AM

Great. I just spewed soda all over my screen when it said, "Bison is playing Monopoly, he is truly a madman."

twig, thanks for posting Mega Wicker Man the other day. I'm still laughing at it.

Maybe Chris Klein is just taking up Nic Cage's mantle. I personally believe it's a mantle that should be burned to cinder and ash then dumped in an acid bath. But, to each his own.

Posted by: jM at March 13, 2009 12:24 PM

Put Deh Bunneh Back in deh Bawks.
I said, Put. Deh Bunneh. Back in Deh Bawks.
ACTING

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at March 13, 2009 12:50 PM

Say what you will, but Chris Klein was funny as Dusty in Just Friends. He seemed so genuine (both as a nerd and as a scumbag) that you'd think he was doing a biopic on himself.

Posted by: Mike R. at March 13, 2009 2:59 PM

Oh, and since someone mentioned Wicker Man...NOOO!! NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEES! NOOO!

Posted by: Mike R. at March 13, 2009 3:01 PM

This gives that Wickerman (Nick Cage) compilation a run for its money.
Speaking of cage, Klein really reminded me of him in this clip... from the acting down to the receding hair line.

Posted by: sara at March 13, 2009 3:04 PM

Is it my imagination or is he only looking at who or what he's supposed to like a quarter of the time?

Posted by: A. Biro at March 13, 2009 7:05 PM

I tried watching this but couldn't get past the black women are whores reference that is the "Looser neck bones than the average black woman thing".

Posted by: NotBlonde at March 14, 2009 1:24 AM

Ohhh, is that what the "looser neck bones" meant? I knew it was referring to some stereotype but I couldn't figure out which one. Yay, for whoreish black women. A refreshing change from the ghetto or stupid varieties.

But this clip was more boring than funny. And is it just me, or does Chris Klein look hotter than he used to? I just looked him up to make sure this is the same guy from Election and apparently today is his 30th birthday.

Posted by: kayla at March 14, 2009 9:38 AM

- This movie must have the worst casting director in the business. I mean, you coudnt get anyone better than Chris Klein?? Sure the movie sucks and you wont get the likes of Will Smith or George Clooney to do it, but i imagine there are a lot of lesser known actors who would be willing to get that paycheck.

- It must be awful for the other actors to play off such a incredibly bad performance, especially the "trying not to laugh" part.

- This guy must have signed a deal with the Devil before he began his career

- I could be an actor too

- David Caruso is an Oscar deserving actor

Posted by: MFJeremias at March 16, 2009 2:37 PM

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The Mother of All Bad Acting Performances

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