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The Last Man on Earth Dumb Enough to Work with M. Night Shyamalan is ... Will Smith?

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (16)

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I get scores of press releases in my inbox each day. I can’t control it. Studios just send this crap to me, even though I’ve never asked to be put on a list and no matter how many times I classify it as SPAM, this shit continues to leak through like pus on a scab. Normally, I hit the delete button on them and move one with my life. However, the headline in this press release caught my attention: JADEN SMITH TO STAR WITH WILL SMITH IN AN UNTITLED SCIENCE-FICTION ADVENTURE FOR COLUMBIA PICTURES AND DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN. It caught my attention mostly because I thought it was a joke soI examined the release to ensure that it was. But, then I recognized the PR flak’s name as a name that I’ve seen hundreds of times in my Inbox and surmised that it was, in fact, true. Fuck me.

You want to know why we don’t copy/paste press releases? Because they look like this:

CULVER CITY, Calif., April 4, 2011 - Jaden Smith is set to star opposite his father, Will Smith, for director M. Night Shyamalan in an untitled sci-fi adventure, it was announced today by Doug Belgrad, president of Columbia Pictures. Shyamalan and Will Smith will produce with James Lassiter, Jada Pinkett Smith and Ken Stovitz, Smith’s partners at Overbrook Entertainment. The screenplay is by M. Night Shyamalan and Gary Whitta. Set 1,000 years into the future, a young boy navigates an abandoned and sometimes scary Earth to save himself and his estranged father after their ship crashes. Commenting on the announcement, Belgrad said, “Night is an outstanding filmmaker who has a tremendous vision for this science-fiction adventure story and we couldn’t be more excited to be working again with Jaden after our experiences on The Pursuit of Happyness and The Karate Kid. We’re thrilled to have the two of them together on this project.” Shyamalan added, “The chance to make a scary, science-fiction film starring Jaden and Will is my dream project.”

You know what press releases fail to leave out? Things like, “The idea for the movie hatched from turd spores,” and “Who the fuck would want to work with M. Night Shyamalan” and “What the hell is wrong with Will Smith?” and “The celebrity nepotism is getting really annoying.” Also a lot of Scientology cracks.

You want to know how many people do copy/paste press releases? Google that quote, “The chance to make a scary, science-fiction film starring Jaden and Will is my dream project” and see how many times it comes up by the end of the day.









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Comments

Sounds like the Scientology annual membership fees are due.

Posted by: Scully at April 4, 2011 3:37 PM

Reading this article in juxtaposition with your Joanna impression for Pajiba Love today really underscores what a great writer you are Dustin.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at April 4, 2011 3:52 PM

Actually Dustin it's "Fuck us All, Fuck. Us. All."

Posted by: vhrico at April 4, 2011 3:56 PM

Just as an FYI Dustin...when googling that phrase, Pajiba is the 5th result. Not too good an example.

Posted by: PissBoy at April 4, 2011 4:04 PM

Wait, that's his dream project? Wow. Way to set your sights on the Moon, Shyamalan.

You want to know what my dream project is? It's a sci-fi, whirlwind adventure titled "The Only Cure is a Non-Stop Hot Oil Massage." The year is unknown because it's armaggedeon and the space aliens or robot-zombies or whoever have destroyed all the clocks because they totally can't stand all the ticking; and the only people left alive are the Victoria's Secret angels and Hulk Tuffington, played by me. We're in a military bunker deep in the Earth's core, and we're suffering from a rabid, hungry boost in our libidos because of a super-weird, totally accidental admixture of our air supply and the funky McGuffin gas that has leaked into the bunker from deep in the ground. We're all going to die of course, unless we strip down to our skivies, oil our hot, tight bodies up with vegetable oil, melted caramel and tears; and slide around on each other's bodies every day for like...well, a couple of hours at least. But we're totally into it. Oh, and all there is to wear is a variety of Maid costumes. It would be a seventeen part miniseries on HBO and I'd be paid entirely in Glenlivit and candy.

Posted by: superasente at April 4, 2011 4:10 PM

@superasente

Meh too boring. Here is a real dream project

http://xkcd.com/311/

Posted by: YesPlease at April 4, 2011 4:21 PM

Between this and the 'Annie' remake starring Willow Smith, I'm thinking Will's decided now is the time for his kids to start paying for his retirement.

Posted by: Aislinn at April 4, 2011 4:21 PM

@superasente

Why tears exactly?

Are they of joy or, perhaps, gratitude for Hulk Tuffington's ministrations?

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at April 4, 2011 4:41 PM

well, i like smith, and shyamalan and sci-fi, so it sounds like exciting news to me. and i know i am all alone; s'alright, I've learned to talk to myself quite animatedly, it's sort of like having associates.

Posted by: idleprimate at April 4, 2011 5:05 PM

Don't...don't people cry in your fantasies?

DON'T YOU JUDGE ME, JULIEN!!!

Posted by: superasente at April 4, 2011 5:13 PM

Hulk Tuffington has just beat out Benedict Cumberbatch on my list of Awesomest Names Ever. And spell check hates me.

Posted by: Anne (no longer in Reno) at April 4, 2011 5:37 PM

UU! UU! Time to predict the twist ending.

Father and son wakes up from a dream where Jaden was the father and Will was the son only to realize that they're in another dream world coz you know how hot dream within dream is right now.

Posted by: haplo at April 4, 2011 6:04 PM

Let's just hope this time Shyamalan sinks Smith's career so deep, we never hear from Smith's kids (plural) again.

That takes a special kind of stupidity, huh? I mean, I'd never work with that guy even if I were a porn star.

Posted by: godzilla_foil at April 4, 2011 7:14 PM

Interesting thing I picked up on in this story: the presence of a co-writer. This Whitta guy does not have much of a credits list, but maybe he reined in some of Shyamalan's story instincts that don't work as well. I still think Shyamalan is an excellent visual director. It's only his writing that has bothered me.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at April 4, 2011 8:30 PM

I've said it once and I'll say it again. Back off Will Smith, Pajiba.

Back. Off.

Posted by: Littlejon2001 at April 5, 2011 8:32 PM

This movie might actually become the worst movie ever made

Posted by: muslim marriage events at April 6, 2011 7:15 AM