The Howling Remake

The Howling Gets Neutered

By TK | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (39)

I need to learn to take my own goddamn advice.

A while back I mentioned that the very act of mentioning a classic movie will inevitably jinx it, and flip a switch somewhere in the Hollywood Derivative Idea Dungeon, thus causing a remake to be made. Well, we talked a couple of weeks about the Best Werewolf Movies of the Last 30 Years, and guess fucking what?

Yep, The Howling is being remade into a new film called The Howling: Reborn. Oh, it’s so much worse than it sounds, too. The original was directed by Joe Dante, and was about a reporter tracking a werewolf serial killer. Well, Slashfilm (via JoBlo) is reporting that not only is the remake being rushed into production — they’re hoping for a Halloween 2010 release — but it’s gonna be all Twilighted up. Fucking fuckety fucking fuckers.

Yes, JobBlo’s source reports that it’s going to be “a TWILIGHT/”Gossip Girl” wannabe.”

Let that sink in for a second.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! Here’s their rough plot synopsis:

(A) young reporter - named Karen White - meeting up with a serial killer who is stalking her. In this version, however, there are no cops who burst in on the scene: she’s confronted and murdered by the killer, who of course turns out to be a werewolf. Only hook is, she was pregnant, and the baby lives… Cut to years later, and Karen’s son - Will - is attending a high-profile prep school, where he’s having weird dreams and the like. Naturally, he’s got wolfy tendencies, and - shock! - so do his friends. Does Will join the dark side (naturally, his friends turn out to be bad news), or fight against his urges and battle his hairy classmates?

Oh, good. No, really, that’s just bloody brilliant. It’s got tepid PG-13 scrawled all over it. This is the price we all will have to pay in the post-Twilight world. Instead of movies getting grittier and smarter and cooler, we now have to deal with the oncoming barrage of saccharine, sanitized, tween-angst-filled sparklized watered-down films that will neuter all of our favorite monsters. It will likely star people with names named Taylor or Britney or oh God, I’ve lost the will to live.

Happy fucking Monday.

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Comments

"AlienLight: In Space, No One Can See You Glitter"

Posted by: , (just , cause I'm tired of typing that other shit) at November 23, 2009 11:05 AM

So in this case, do they just glitter under a full moon? Turn into Chihuahuas? Do they only eat Kibbles N' Bits while the evil ones eat people?

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at November 23, 2009 11:10 AM

TK:

You know it's just a matter of time before the sparkle people take over your basement and make it all pink and glittery with giant cushions that look like candy wrappers. It just won't be the same anymore.

Posted by: PaddyDog at November 23, 2009 11:12 AM

You never know - maybe it'll be like a posh English boarding school, and all the wolfie boys will have buttseks with each other? I would watch that.

Posted by: saartjie at November 23, 2009 11:15 AM

Paddy, I'm actually creating a trail of Twilight DVDs and glitter and posters of Edward Cullen that leads down there.

It's going to be like Hansel and Gretel. With zombies. And a less child-friendly ending.

Posted by: TK at November 23, 2009 11:17 AM

Awesome! I can't wait for An American Werewolf In Starbucks!

Posted by: admin at November 23, 2009 11:18 AM

Wow, that sounds awful. Oh well, as good as the first Howling was, its string of sequels were just terrible. Except of course, for giving the world a movie called "Stirba: Werewolf Bitch!" I wouldn't be surprised if the inexplicably werewolf filled prep school (Were all of this kid's friends also born after their mothers were murdered by this ONE werewolf/serial killer?) was named after the village from the old movies. Drago, I think it was?

Posted by: Mikey Likes It at November 23, 2009 11:19 AM

More like An American Werewolf In Hot Topic.

Posted by: Skewicide Blonde at November 23, 2009 11:19 AM

You know, a couple of posts ago I mentioned that werewolves still had some street cred, especially in comparison to vampires since the Twilight nonsense.

Well there goes THAT notion! Shit.

Posted by: Four Eyes at November 23, 2009 11:21 AM

I can taste the bile at the back of my throat...

Posted by: Snath at November 23, 2009 11:24 AM

If they start glitterfying zombies, I;m seriously going to star cutting bitches.

Posted by: admin at November 23, 2009 11:25 AM

Holy shit, That apostrophe grew a head! It The End Times!

Posted by: admin at November 23, 2009 11:26 AM

"Fairly Bad Dreams on Elm Street"

All about a former kindergarten teacher who was fired because of racy pictures on Facebook. She comes back years later and terrorizes the (now teenage) children of the school board members by spanking them with a wooden ruler.

Oh, wait. Never mind. That's probably already the plot to some kind of porno.

Posted by: ZombieNurse at November 23, 2009 11:27 AM

admin, they just have to make a movie of Handling the Undead (by John Ajvide Lindqvist, the dude who wrote Let the Right One In), and soft and cuddly zombies who just want to come home are among us. It could happen.

Posted by: saartjie at November 23, 2009 11:28 AM

Hey admin...

Kinda brings an even shittier meaning to the once proposed continuation of the Romero Saga...

Twilight of the Dead.

Posted by: PissBoy at November 23, 2009 11:29 AM

..Twilight of the Dead.

You, sir, are a cruel spiteful man. Why must you hurt me so?

Posted by: admin at November 23, 2009 11:36 AM

This is stupid. What's the point of remaking a film if you're just going to change the entire plot. Call it something else you dickbags.

Posted by: Steph at November 23, 2009 11:40 AM

DAMN IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTT

Posted by: Nadine at November 23, 2009 11:41 AM

Actually, there is no point in remaking films at all, I just wish they'd market this crap as something new instead of trying to associate it with something better.

Posted by: Steph at November 23, 2009 11:42 AM

Oh yes, this will be horrible. I'm guessing that some of the dialogue will be bad enough to actually surpass the infamous "I'm going to make you my Wee-yotch!" line from The Covenant.

Also what about the five other Howling movies? Do they inspire proportional outrage?
Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf
Howling III: The Marsupials - set in Australia, natch
Howling IV: The Original Nightmare - a remake of the first
Howling V: The Rebirth
Howling VI: The Freaks

Posted by: branded at November 23, 2009 11:43 AM

Do they only eat Kibbles N' Bits while the evil ones eat people?

Well that's how all the monster romance novels work. All of them.

Posted by: Jay at November 23, 2009 11:48 AM

Sweet Sons of the Moon ...

Yeah, I can see it now - howling at lightbulbs, fur slicked back with styling gel ... Where the hell's my silver stash and the bullet mold?

Posted by: The Wanderer at November 23, 2009 11:51 AM

The Best Werewolf Movies of the Last 30 years. And you even compiled a decent list including the first (and best) of the 6 Howling flicks. Not long after what do we get?
Howling:Reborn. And shooting starts in February!
TK what have you done???

Posted by: Bob at November 23, 2009 11:51 AM

So it is in fact "The Howling...in my Pants"

Damn it, is this crap or torture porn worse?

Posted by: mrcreosote at November 23, 2009 11:53 AM

Hey....ain't my fault man. I'm just the messenger. I'm pretty sure they scrapped the idea after Land of the Dead sucked as much anus as it did. I think it just ended up as "Twililght of the Dead" on some international release stuff.

Posted by: PissBoy at November 23, 2009 11:55 AM

So in this case, do they just glitter under a full moon?

Wasn't that Blood and Chocolate?

Posted by: jM at November 23, 2009 12:02 PM

Sweet Sons of the Moon ...

Yeah, I can see it now - howling at lightbulbs, fur slicked back with styling gel ... Where the hell's my silver stash and the bullet mold?

Posted by: The Wanderer at November 23, 2009 11:51 AM

How many emo werewolf wannabe furry kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They'll just sit in the dark and cry about it all night.

Posted by: Lubeg at November 23, 2009 12:11 PM

So. . . The young reporter is pregnant when she's eaten by a werewolf, and the baby lives. Therefore, she'd have to be really, really preggo. Ready to burst preggo. And yet, the werewolf didn't go for the gooey tender center? He just eats the crunchy outside? Makes no sense to me.

"The Howling: My Little Pony edition"

Posted by: BWeaves at November 23, 2009 12:29 PM

OK, can someone please just redub the movie "Glitter" with faux vampire and werewolf dialogue, and get it overwith.

Posted by: BWeaves at November 23, 2009 12:31 PM

Have I said "blergh" lately?

Blergh.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverpuppet at November 23, 2009 1:12 PM

Can someone explain to me what the attraction to prep schools is again? I must have missed that memo.

Posted by: Fredo at November 23, 2009 1:14 PM

"and murdered by the killer ... Only hook is, she was pregnant, and the baby lives… Cut to years later, and Karen’s son - Will ..."

You mean "Blade" right? Her son Blade?

Wesley Snipes is all furry? Drives a souped-up car with the fuzzy dice? Struggles with not biting the nice leggy lady (except when she asks?) Chows down on Scooby snacks in stead. Whistler calls him by, you know, whistling? Sound track by Los Lobos.

Actually, I'd be kind of into that movie.

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at November 23, 2009 2:54 PM

Dear christ Bierce...now I'm into that movie.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at November 23, 2009 3:07 PM

Bierce,
Wesley could use the money from what I hear. He'd probably even do a nude scene, to figgy's horrified dismay.

Posted by: Kballs at November 23, 2009 3:18 PM

Now I'm waiting for a Twilight-style remake of "Dawn of the Dead". With sparkle!zombies. It might be a stretch for him, but I'm sure with coaching PRatz (sorry, R-Patz) could be taught to play a soulless wooden (barely) animated corpse.

Posted by: YeahButNoBut at November 23, 2009 4:08 PM

So when do we get the remake of Frankenstein where the creature is made of parts of the hottest boys in town?

A mad scientist, in an attempt to tap into the lucrative teen-girl market by creating the world's sexiest teen clothing model, combines parts of Robert Pattinson, Zac Efron and two of the Jonas Brothers in... Frankenstyle!

Posted by: Daniel Hall at November 23, 2009 6:01 PM

All you need is a tousle-haired emo douche, medicore CGI, and some vague horror conventions and your movie will clear $100M opening weekend. Sheeeit, where do I sign up?

Posted by: stryker1121 at November 23, 2009 7:34 PM

"Twilight" knock-off we'd like to see: Ed Gein's teenage years re-imagined as a horror/Rom-com with a touch of "Glee" thrown in to keep it current!

"Dance with the dead in my dreams, listen to their hollow screams..."

Posted by: oskar at November 23, 2009 9:40 PM

Goodbye, cruel world.

Puts gun to head, squeezes trigger.

Posted by: Minty at November 24, 2009 1:00 PM

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The Howling Gets Neutered

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