The Garbage Pail Kids Are Rearing Their Ugly Cinematic Heads Again: "Look Upon My Works, Ye Mighty, And Despair!"
But apparently Michael Eisner disagrees, seeing rainbows where I see toxic waste. The former head of the House of Mouse bought the rights to the Garbage Pail Kids in 2007 and is now planning to make another major motion picture adaptation the first project for his new company. That can only mean that Garbage Pail Kids is a lifelong dream for Eisner and not some terribly misunderstood quest for easy cash, because only a nostalgically blinded butthole or the spawn of true evil would think this is a good idea, and nobody who ran Disney for multiple decades could ever be described as "evil."
There is a very slight silver lining here, and that's the fact that Eisner has hired animator PES to direct the feature length Garbage Pail Kids: The Next Degeneration.* If, like me, you never heard of PES until today, he's the recent viral star behind the "Fresh Guacamole" short film. He's mostly known for stop-motion (or, go-motion if you're fancy), and that might be the most suitable format for the bizarre absurdity inherent in the Garbage Pail Kids. If he and fresh screenwriter Michael Vukodinovich can tap into the satirical edge that Art Spiegelman must have intended, they might make something somewhat watchable. The Internet video star certainly knows what it takes to get me to want to play tangible Scrabble with real people instead of Words with Friends on my phone:
* That's yours for free, Mr. Eisner. You're welcome.
Rob Payne also writes the indie comic The Unstoppable Force, tweets on the Twitter @RobOfWar, and his ware can be purchased here (if you're into that sort of thing). He would like to take this moment to formally apologize to his parents for making them suffer through the first movie on more than one occasion. That was totes his bad.