Goldblum-as-fly.jpg
A Fly Remake? Nooooooooooo!

But There's a Twist / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | September 24, 2009 | Comments (56)

So, a remake of The Fly. Why? That movie was a goddamn classic. A gloriously repulsive, terrifying sci-fi horror movie with a horrific ending. You can’t improve upon the original, which still doesn’t feel dated. And the make-up effects weren’t just good for 1987, they were good by today’s standards (they were Academy Award winning). And please: Although the 1986 version was a remake itself (only in title and premise), that was Cronenberg’s film. And now? What? Some young punk, some douchebag Michael Bay protege, some debut filmmaker with a hard-on for CGI and cash is going to try to remake a classic Cronenberg film? Brother, please.

Wait? What’s that? Who is remaking The Fly? David Cronenberg? No no. He was the original director? Wait? Are you serious? He’s remaking his own film? David Cronenberg is remaking a David Cronenberg film? But why?

Because of technological advancements.

Huh. That just doesn’t make any sense. Did da Vinci go back and repaint the Mona Lisa after he found a better paintbrush? No. Did Dylan and The Band go back and re-record The Basement Tapes in an actual studio? No. Did Sam Raimi remake Evil Dead when he got a bigger budget?

OK. That was a bad example.

The point I’m getting at is this: It’s not a very good idea. Even with the same director, a bigger budget, and better special effects, there’s one thing that David Cronenberg probably won’t have: Jeff Goldblum. He was fully half of the reason for that film’s success, and nobody today can pull off that role as effectively as Goldblum. CGI or no CGI.

In short: This idea is dumber than a box full of pixie sticks.

But then again: A remake was inevitable. And if there’s got to be a remake, Cronenberg is better than Rob Zombie or Marcus Nispel.

So, truce.


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Comments

Jesus. Come on, Dustin. That picture...I feel like I just got punched in the face.

Posted by: annoyingmouse at September 24, 2009 3:36 PM

Why do this? George Lucas didn't remake Star Wars when he got better effects.... Okay, but just because you can do something doesn't make it a good idea.

Posted by: George at September 24, 2009 3:38 PM

What a twist!

Also, pixie stix are not dumb. They're DELICIOUS.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 24, 2009 3:41 PM

Good thing there's no sugar in pixie stixs.

Posted by: mrcreosote at September 24, 2009 3:45 PM

"This idea is dumber than a box full of pixie sticks."

That's slander, my friend. You'll be hearing from my lawyers.

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus – CEO, Pixie Stix Inc. at September 24, 2009 3:52 PM

"This idea is dumber than a box full of pixie sticks."

I take offense to that remark. You'll be hearing from my boyfriend.

Posted by: Pixie Stixxx - Exotic Dancer at September 24, 2009 3:54 PM

"This idea is dumber than a box full of pixie sticks."

That's slander, my friend. You'll be hearing from my lawyers.

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus – CEO, Pixie Stix Inc. at September 24, 2009 3:52 PM

Actually, boss, that's libel (since it was written).

Posted by: Forbiddendonut - General Counsel, Pixie Stix Inc. at September 24, 2009 3:56 PM

"This idea is dumber than a box full of pixie sticks."

Listen fucker, there's a lot of us smart Pixies out here too.
You'll be hearing from my associates. Connected Associates, catfish?

Posted by: Pixie Stix #21,413,982 - New Jersey at September 24, 2009 3:57 PM

"This idea is dumber than a box full of pixie sticks."

Thank you. I've had a pretty bad rap...

Posted by: Box of Rocks at September 24, 2009 3:58 PM

"This idea is dumber than a box full of pixie sticks."

Yeah. What the (...hic..) rock box said.

Posted by: Drunk Toddler at September 24, 2009 4:00 PM

What's everyone talkin' about?

Posted by: Box Full of Pixie Sticks at September 24, 2009 4:00 PM

We should call this need to remake one's own movies the Lucas Syndrome.
PDR definition Lucas Syndrome:
Lucas Syndrome (named for most famous sufferer George Lucas) will be obsessively compelled to attempt to recapture their glory years by re-mastering, re-casting, re-filming, and re-CGI-ing their early successful endeavors. Sufferers from Lucas Syndrome will become so caught up in the visual masturbation that is the new and improved CGI that the plot, which was what held the original movie together in the first place, will be a hot sticky mess.
The only known cure for Lucas Syndrome is an excess of public mockery of these movies, and possible bankruptcy from unrealized profits on said projects.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at September 24, 2009 4:01 PM

While the distracting, inorganic, and mechanical twitching of the Fly creature in the '86 film could easily be improved upon, the distracting, inorganic, and mechanical twitching of the Jeff Goldblum could not.

Posted by: laredo at September 24, 2009 4:01 PM

"This idea is dumber than a box full of pixie sticks."

WHOO! In your FACE, assholes!

Posted by: Roll of Smarties at September 24, 2009 4:03 PM

mmmm smarties

*wink* How you doin'?

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 24, 2009 4:07 PM

This comment thread wins.

Posted by: JustBill at September 24, 2009 4:09 PM

Fuckin' a right. Me and brother Box of Rocks are tired of being the...uh, thing... that... er, um, dumb stuff... is

um..

called... like?

Fuck you.

Posted by: Bag of Hammers at September 24, 2009 4:10 PM

I just hope that the remake of the Fly is fly, come on I’m sure you guys knew that one was coming.

Posted by: Nancy at September 24, 2009 4:12 PM

Ingrates.

[KABOOM!!]

Posted by: Poprocks mixed with soda at September 24, 2009 4:20 PM

DAMN YOU POPROCKS AND SODA! DAMN YOU TO HELL!

Posted by: Mikey's Ghost at September 24, 2009 4:23 PM

Some of you may be asking yourselves (or not, but I don't care) "Was anyone unfortunate enough to visit the page while this picture was at the very top at the same time they were eating?"

The answer is yes. Yes I was. And I was eating spicy tuna roll at the time.

I hate all of you. Especially pixie sticks.

Posted by: Rusty (formerly Genny) at September 24, 2009 4:25 PM

The picture for this post doesn't bother me in the least. However, if it had been a clown that got mixed with a fly and that picture had been posted, HOLYSHITBALLSCOCKSAVEMEGODTOPUS would have been my response.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at September 24, 2009 4:32 PM

This is my theory: Someone was going to do a remake of the Fly.

Cronenberg found out and he was FUCKING MAD. So he decided, "fuck it, if someone's going to remake my movie, it's gonna be ME".

This way he keeps the movie out of anyone else's hands.

Posted by: chenry at September 24, 2009 4:32 PM

The Latino Pixie Stick Contingent demands that you take back your slanderous remarks, you racist box of hair.

Posted by: Pixio Sticko at September 24, 2009 4:40 PM

I love this thread so much I want to hump it.

Posted by: figgy at September 24, 2009 4:43 PM

I just hope he follows my advice and digitally places Anakin in the third act.

Posted by: George Lucas at September 24, 2009 4:47 PM

Hey Gang! Michael Bay here!

I don't give a shit what Davey does as long as he staysaway from July Fourth weekend when my new film, TITSEXPLOSIONROBOTFUCKINGTITSBOOMBANGFIREMETEORTITSPOW! melts the faces off of every man, woman & child in this country.

Until next time, this is Michael Bay, signing off!

Posted by: Michael Bay at September 24, 2009 4:50 PM

Nooooo. You can't have The Fly without Goldblum! They already proved that doesn't work with The Fly 2: The Fly's babeh. God that was an awful film. All the worse because I totally cried when I found out what they did with the dog.
**Although I'd like to request that Brundle uses a goddamn cell culture instead of an orangutan to test whether living organisms can go through the machine. That was just plain stupid. You always start with cell cultures. You don't even try mice until you've tried cell cultures, let alone great apes.

Posted by: s. pisaster at September 24, 2009 4:51 PM

About goddam time. You know how hard it is to get a role in this town? Tried out for Cloverfield and the pricks pretty much laughed me out of auditions. The Fly was great and yeah, the residuals are nice, but when you get arrested once a week for eating shit in the park, that money goes away pretty goddam quick. Gimme a call, David! I've still got it!

Posted by: Brundlefly at September 24, 2009 4:55 PM

I awoke today with anger, and misery, and general hate for the world due to allergies.

But I have been cured by this comment thread. It's like Jesus, if Jesus were made of multiple internet monikers and comments funny enough to make me cackle.

Posted by: myysharona (formerly Sharon) at September 24, 2009 4:57 PM

"You don't even try mice until you've tried cell cultures, let alone great apes."

Thank you, dear lady. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a bar brawl to start...

Posted by: Clyde at September 24, 2009 4:57 PM

"Some young punk, some douchebag..."

I've got my own movie to attend to, man. That said, WHERE THE BITCHES AT?!
I'll degrade you quicker than Joe Francis with a chloroform soaked...GGW shirt.

Posted by: Tucker Max at September 24, 2009 5:05 PM

Alfred Hitchcock remade his own films when technology advanced (ex. The Man Who Knew Too Much). Black and white vs. color. Peter Lorre vs. Jimmy Stewart. The plots are even a bit different and both are good films.

However, I don't think technology has advanced THAT much since the last remake of The Fly. The difference between the B/W Vincent Price version and the Color Jeff Goldblum version was immense. Between a Jeff Goldblum version and a Zac Efron version? Not so much. Unless Efron actually turns into a zipper.

Posted by: BWeaves at September 24, 2009 5:06 PM

"...white vs. color..."

THAT'S THE WAY IT'S GONNA BE HUH? WHY EVERYONE SO EXCITED ABOUT REMAKING SOME MOVIE ABOUT A BUG? MY MAN EDDIE MURPHY MADE THE BEST REMAKE WITH NUTTY PROFESSOR! AIN'T NOBODY GONNA TOP THAT! NOBODY!

Posted by: KANYE WEST at September 24, 2009 5:10 PM

Hey Bag of Hamers and Box of Rocks and Drunk Toddler and um... D'you... d'you guys wanna go um... I've got some um... glue and spray paint and we... You know that dumpster behind Denny's? I was um... I thought we could go back there and huff some of this spray paint and sniff some glue and stuff. There's always bottles and things back there to for smashing and I got some firworks and stuff to. And they've got omlettes there. I'm done at the samwhich shop at seven so we could got there then okay.? Pick me up tho becuase my carborater is jacked up on my Dodge again. Later!

Posted by: Bundle of Sticks at September 24, 2009 5:22 PM

Hey Kanye: Good point!

Let's star Eddie Murphy in the new Fly movie.
We'll call it SUPERFLY.
And when Murphy goes through the machine he comes out as Robin Williams in drag.

Posted by: BWeaves at September 24, 2009 5:23 PM

When you first said "But there's a twist", I thought Shalaymalamodong was gonna direct it.

Good thing I read the rest of the article before stabbing my eyes out with a pen...

Posted by: Skitz at September 24, 2009 6:02 PM

Can't we all just get alon--- ooo! Shiny thing!

Posted by: Sack of Shit at September 24, 2009 7:05 PM

I resent that "dumber than a box of.... "
Oh. Wait. Never mind

Posted by: Pick up Sticks at September 24, 2009 7:08 PM

So now they're remaking remakes.

Here's a twist...why not remake it this time with Vincent Price?

Mmm...recursion....

Posted by: Wednesday at September 24, 2009 8:15 PM

I think we're being a little short-sighted here.

We just found out about a new Cronenberg film. This is a cause for celebration. If there's one man who can't fuck up a Cronenberg film, it's David Cronenberg.

I shall retain the right to point this out with every negative post on The Fly remake until the cast is announced. For obviously, instead of choosing Nathan Baesel and Angela Bettis, or other young horror veterans, to star in a freaky deaky horror film, we'll get Chad Michael Murray and Megan Fox. Of course.

Posted by: Robert at September 24, 2009 8:35 PM

@Rusty

Shrimp Tempura comes to mind every.single.fucking.time.

Posted by: IRANGREENNATION at September 24, 2009 9:28 PM

I have nothing intelligent, nor deep to add, except that I truly love this thread.

Carry on.

Posted by: Brie at September 24, 2009 9:28 PM

HAR HAR! STUPID STICKS!

Posted by: Lum M. Ox at September 24, 2009 9:56 PM

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Posted by: Jessie at September 24, 2009 9:56 PM

I agree Robert. Cronenberg can do anything he motherfucking wants. I'm in. I wonder if Viggo's in. Is Viggo in? Can we get Viggo in?

Posted by: Cindy at September 24, 2009 10:24 PM

maybe it will catch on, and ridley scott won't have to keep tinkering with bladerunner, he can just remake it completely. . .and then tinker with the new one for thirty years

Posted by: idleprimate at September 25, 2009 12:22 AM

I second Brie, and the couple of others who mentioned before: this thread is awesome.

Out of curiosity - how many of the first chain of aptly named posters were the same person? Hehe.

That's totally going to ruin it if people know isnt it? I'm such a buzzkill.

Posted by: StepDown at September 25, 2009 12:29 AM

If only Goldblum hadn't died...

Posted by: Daniel Hall at September 25, 2009 2:47 AM

I love this thread!

Posted by: Chickaboom at September 25, 2009 2:53 AM

I don't think technology has advanced THAT much since the last remake of The Fly.

Um...have you seen A History of Violence?

This thing has the potential for extreme gruesomeness.

Posted by: gunnertec at September 25, 2009 9:32 AM

StepDown, I'm afraid I'll have to take responsibility for the following:

Pixie Stixxx
Pixie Stix #21,413,982
Box of Rocks
Drunk Toddler
Roll of Smarties
Mikey's Ghost
George Lucas
Michael Bay
Brundlefly
Clyde
Tucker Max
KANYE WEST
Bundle of Sticks

I had a bit of a personality disorder going on yesterday, resulting in complete and utter hijacking of the thread. I can't promise it'll never happen again, but I'll do my best to keep the voices in my head in check in the future. My apologies...

Posted by: Skitz at September 25, 2009 11:07 AM

This was a truly beautiful comment thread. Thank you, Skitz, for adding to the

Posted by: Phaeolus at September 25, 2009 1:45 PM

adding to the...apparently, I am speechless at the thought of this thread.

Posted by: Phaeolus at September 25, 2009 1:46 PM

I would like to nominate this to the academy as the BEST THREAD EVER!!

Posted by: Jeva at September 28, 2009 12:20 AM

"You can’t improve upon the original, which still doesn’t feel dated. And the make-up effects weren’t just good for 1987, they were good by today’s standards (they were Academy Award winning)."

The *original* movie was made in 1958.

Posted by: jthomas666 at September 28, 2009 3:23 PM





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