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Insert "Hole" Joke Here

By TK | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (23)

robot_vincent.jpg

One more to file under “It was only a matter of time.”

That’s going to get its own section on this site soon, I swear.

Anyway, the soulless meddle-monkeys at Disney are apparently gearing up for a remake of the 1979 minor classic The Black Hole. I confess, I’ve never seen it, but from what I can tell, those that have remember it somewhat fondly. Whether that’s because it’s a genuinely good movie or out of sheer nostalgia is up for debate. According to the good people at Cinematical, the original was about

a group of space explorers [who] discover the lost USS Cygnus, floating dead on the edge of a black hole. Logically they haven’t seen Event Horizon, so they happily board the ship to see what’s become of the crew. There they meet a scientist and his group of robot friends (some cute, and one mean, red, and named Maximilian), and he claims his crew deserted him when he tried to travel through the black hole. Of course, he’s not telling the truth. The robots are the former Cygnus crew, and the scientist has no intention of letting them leave.

Certainly sounds like it has potential, and of course the advantage of redoing it in the modern era is that you can jazz up the effects quite a bit. But if there’s one thing Michael Bay has taught us, it’s that fancy shmancy special effects do not a quality movie make. Also, that giant robots should have balls.

Fuck Michael Bay.

Where was I? Oh, right. Anyway, they’ve tasked Tron: Legacy director Joseph Kosinski and producer Sean Bailey with its development, which is interesting. They’re clearly keeping it in the family, and I have to admit that I’m pretty intrigued by the Tron sequel, but that’s mostly due to my love of The Dude.









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Comments

scientist and his group of robot friends (some cute, and one mean, red

I suppose this is set in the not too distant future, down in Deep 13?

Also, this movie will not answer how the main characters eat and breathe or other science facts.

Posted by: alphawhiskey at December 3, 2009 11:08 AM

Insert "Hole" joke here
---
I want to be in an all-male Courtney Love tribute band and call it "Manhole."

Bah-dum.

*smiles for applause/hears crickets*

Well, let's see YOU fuckers do any better.

Posted by: , at December 3, 2009 11:10 AM

Yes, I suppose you could envision it as if Dr. Forrester were the one stuck in space.

Maximillian is a bad dude, I tell you. If Ernest Borgnine stays alive long enough to voice the little robot again you'll not be able to keep me away!

Posted by: Jay at December 3, 2009 11:14 AM

I liked the original but I think I was only five at the time so I'm going to take that with a grain of salt. I even had the action figures.

Posted by: admin at December 3, 2009 11:14 AM

The Black Hole sucked then and the remake will most likely suck now as well.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 3, 2009 11:17 AM

knock knock

who's there

hole

hole who?

butt hole.

Posted by: figgy at December 3, 2009 11:18 AM

Disney made a whole boatload of crappy, crappy movies in the '60s and '70s. Kurt Russell starred in most of them, if I recall. It doesn't bother me in the slighest that Flubber, Escape to Witch Mountain, or Herbie The Love Bug were remade, and this is just another in a long line of recycled shit. It's like they just root through the composting pile and churn it all up, hoping that someone will remember it through the eyes of a six-year-old and plunk down $10 to bore the crap out of their own kids.

Cinematic Spaghetti-Os...junk you feed to children because it was fed to you when you were young and had no choice.

Posted by: Wednesday at December 3, 2009 11:18 AM

Huh, I always thought that robot was a unique creation by Sealab 2021.

Guess I gave those guys too much credit.

Posted by: Doric at December 3, 2009 11:18 AM

Logically they haven’t seen Event Horizon, so they happily board the ship to see what’s become of the crew.

Really, there should never, ever be another movie in which people don't board a randomly mysterious evacuated vessel and not think, at the least, space zombie CHUDS.

#1 on my list of fears is being exploded in deep space, so I'd probably not end up on a random, mysterious CHUD-filled vessel, but if I did, I wouldn't even go through the motions of pretending everything might be ok.

Posted by: twig at December 3, 2009 11:19 AM

figgy wins.

Posted by: , at December 3, 2009 11:23 AM

The Black Hole sucked then and the remake will most likely suck now as well.

Wrong. Sparkletits sucked the Black Hole and he'll most likely suck the remake as well.

Posted by: esme at December 3, 2009 11:31 AM

I think this movie can definitely be improved. It always needed a few sun flares and a love triangle or two. Plus, the black hole was never black enough and we have all this new technology to make it swirl and shit.

Posted by: Peanut_Butter_And_James at December 3, 2009 11:47 AM

Admin, I had the figures too!

I liked and still like the movie. For a Disney film of its era, it had somewhat of a hard edge, and the ending was a decent thought botched attempt at a 2001-style cosmic, means-everything/means-nothing denoument to the story.

And even if you think the movie sucks, you'd have to admit Maximillian is still one of the more badass cinematic robots. The malevolent humming noise he makes, the evil red eye, the fact that he has spinning hooks that seem to serve no other purpose than dismembering people...

Posted by: Jacktrade at December 3, 2009 12:01 PM

I'm with Slim and Wednesday. The movie sucked so remake away.

Posted by: ed newman at December 3, 2009 12:29 PM

I know I had the audio version of the movie before I ever watched. It scared the crap out of me.

When I finally watched, I was quite disappointed. The F/X didn't match the ones in my head.

Posted by: FabMax at December 3, 2009 12:40 PM

@ alphawhiskey : Repeat to yourself, "It's just a show. I really should relax."

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at December 3, 2009 12:48 PM

Thanks Tracer. I'll keep that in mind in the future.

Posted by: alphawhiskey at December 3, 2009 2:09 PM

The movie was alright, at the time.
The book was better.

Posted by: Rykker at December 3, 2009 3:19 PM

I have this vaguely unsettling feeling that they're going to Battlestar Galatica Ron Moore-ize The Black Hole. The whole movie is filled with androidized humans and humanized robots.

Parts of TBH were the bomb, like V.I.NCent, Maximillian and even B.O.B. But overall it was Disney's The Motionless Picture.

Posted by: idiosynchronic at December 3, 2009 5:02 PM

"If Ernest Borgnine stays alive long enough to voice the little robot again you'll not be able to keep me away!"

Borgnine didn't voice the robot the first time. He starred in it, but Slim Pickens was the old robot.

This is a decent movie, save for the special effects. Disney wanted to make their "star wars," but for a film made two years after star wars, the effects seemed 20 years behind.

And yes. Maximillian is easily one of the coolest villains around. Silent, methodical, deadly. While the ending makes no sense now, try being 5 years old and watching the whole "hell" sequence. Needless to say it left a lasting impression.

That and Norman Bates getting his.

Posted by: Some Guy at December 3, 2009 7:18 PM

I've never heard of this movie and have no opinion on it, but I might get all pissed off about the remake anyway. Just 'cause, you know... it's the internet.

Posted by: Daniel Hall at December 3, 2009 8:11 PM

Damn, misremembering! I obviously haven't seen it recently enough!

But Slim Pickens CAN'T come back! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Posted by: Jay at December 3, 2009 8:34 PM

At least we know what Oprah is going to do when she leaves her show....

Bah da dum da dum dum.....

Wackity schmackity doo.....

Posted by: Rubble44 at December 3, 2009 10:33 PM