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The Akira Remake Might Be Dead (HUZZAH), The Emu Pecks At One Of My Favorite Novels (BOO), And The Avengers May Have A New Baddie: Trade News That'll Smack The Taste Outta Your Mouth

By TK | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (25)

a190.jpg

Hello there, you disgusting collection of simpering assfaces. Here’s some news for you.

Good news: Albert Hughes, co-director of The Book Of Eli and From Hell, is no longer attached to direct the live-action remake of Akira. I say this is good not because I bear Mr. Hughes any ill will, but because I’m hoping that this will eventually lead to the entire project being scrapped. Considering the lead has been linked to everyone from Keanu Reeves (winces) to DiCaprio (shrugs) to Zac Efron (dies inside), I’d rather it just quietly disappears. I’m rarely that lucky though.

Also good news in the lost director front: David O. Russell has left the video game adaptation, Uncharted. Why is it good news? Fans of the game (myself included) were in an uproar after the supposed casting of Mark Wahlberg as Nathan Drake, as well as Russell’s strange take on the story (he was also penning the screenplay), which somehow was going to incorporate Drake’s father and uncle and just generally didn’t gel with the universe created by the game. The game (and its sequel) is, by the way, the fucking balls.

As of now, neither project has new talent attached (*cough*NathanFillion*cough*)
(FSR)

In comic book movie news, there’s a rumor swirling around, courtesy of Latino Review, that there will be an additional villain attached to Joss Whedon’s Avengers, due out next year and filming as we speak. As of now, the running speculation is that the main villain is Loki (Tom HIddleston, and that’s confirmed), with possible appearances by the alien Skrull race. Latino Review is also saying that Thanos will play a part in the film, as an additional villain. I dunno. Thanos isn’t one of my favorite characters, and that could crowd things up a bit. He’s another intergalactic character, an immortal bent on the literal destruction of the universe. Also? He’s a little goofy looking:

1473083-287744_190392_thanos_super.jpg

That said, if his hand looks a little familiar, it’s because his glove, the Infinity Gauntlet, was briefly seen in Thor:

infinitygauntlet.jpg

Hmm. We shall see.

As for this week’s bad news, because there’s always bad news, there’s apparently an adaptation of Dan Simmons’ epic Hyperion series in the works. If anyone has read the novels, you will likely agree that it’s a near-unfilmable concept. The novels — also known as The Hyperion Cantos — is a sprawling, complex, richly characterized space opera that has innumerable characters, spans several distinct time lines, and takes place over the course of several hundred years. It’s outstanding writing, and I hope this project dies swiftly in the womb.

But what makes things even weirder and more terrifying is that The Great Emu himself, Bradly Cooper, is the one working on writing the adaptation, though no deal is in place — it’s strictly early-stage stuff at this point. If I had to guess who would be a big fan of the source material, I would not have guessed Copper. But all signs point to him desperately trying to break out of his smarmy, comedic leading man roots and move onto other things — he was mentioned as the lead for The Crow and an adaptation of Paradise Lost, and perhaps there’s more than meets the eye. Regardless, it’s not that I don’t think Cooper can do it — it’s that I don’t think anyone can do it.

Frankly, I’d rather they didn’t even try.
(Slashfilm)

Interesting: Isaiah Mustafa, also known as “The Old Spice Guy Who Isn’t Bruce Campbell,” is apparently lobbying hard to play Luke Cage, aka Power Man. He even made his own trailer:

In more superhero news, for some elusive reason Warner Brothers and DC Comics are apparently working on a Hawkman movie. I have no idea why. Here’s their logline for it:

Part INDIANA JONES/DA VINCI CODE, part GHOST tentpole about the fictional superhero that appears in D.C. Comic books. He used archaic weaponry and large, artificial wings attached to a harness made of the Nth metal that allows flight. Most incarnations of Hawkman work closely with a partner/romantic interest named Hawkgirl or Hawkwoman in his fight against supervillains. Based on the DC comic.
(The Playlist)

HA! That’s a joke, right? Because, all you need to know about Hawkman can be found in this, my favorite superhero video of all time: A collection of drunken heroes giving Hawkman shit for, well, being Hawkman. Because really, how fucking lame is Hawkman, anyway.









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Comments

You...you don't like Thanos?

Posted by: AmbroseKalifornia at May 31, 2011 2:16 AM

If the Emu is writing the adaptation, it means he'd at least read the books. Possibly even liked them.

...one of us? Him? D:

Posted by: lurkey at May 31, 2011 4:03 AM

I don't particularly care for Thanos, either. But I do think The Avengers needs a more active villain. Loki is much more a manipulator than a fighter. The Skrulls' big gimmick is that they shape-shift, so visually, we'll just see ScarJo "betraying" the team (because that is what the Black Widow does.) Thanos and the Inifinity Gauntlet have the potential to make for some exciting, visually-interesting fight scenes, so that might be a lot of fun.

Posted by: The Wandering Parakeet at May 31, 2011 4:11 AM

I'd rather see a more earth-based villain, to be honest. I mean, we've already highlighted the incompatibility of the very reality-heavy films and, well, Thor, so giving us some more realistic enemies not directly associated wtith Gods and Magic would balance the tone a bit more between the feeder films.

About Mandarin in Iron Man 3, Jon favreau said, "The problem with the Mandarin is that the way it's depicted in the comic books, you don't want to see that. He has 10 magical rings — that just doesn't feel right for our [franchise]. So it's either tech-based, or the rings are not really rings."

The franchise has been established as rooted in reality and tech, not magic. That doesn't mean they can't include it, but I'd like to see less magic light bridges and more of Loki manipulating more human villains.

Posted by: Riddlin' at May 31, 2011 6:04 AM

Hello there, you disgusting collection of simpering assfaces.

And hi to you, you rancid pustule. It's about fucking time you did some "work".

Posted by: Uriah Creep at May 31, 2011 6:23 AM

I wish they wouldn't make the Uncharted series into movies. The games are satisfying enough. Can't wait for the third one to come out.

Posted by: Dingle Berry at May 31, 2011 8:25 AM

Helloooooooooo Marvel Studios,

Look at Jamie Foxx, now back to me, now over to Tyrese Gibson, now back to me , now over to Terrence Howard, Now. Back. To. Me. Sadly, they are not Power Man. But if you cast me as Luke Cage and not one of those other guys, you'd have a hero with sex appeal... who just happens to look like me.

Look up. Where are you? I know. You're on top of the box office with the man your superhero could look like. I already have the God-given super powers of making panties melt off women and turning them into drooling fangirls with just a flick of my pecs. Look again, the pecs' beads of sweat have become sequel diamonds!

Anything is possible when you have a superhero who relies on his natural physique and not an airbrush.

I'm on a movie poster.

Posted by: bleujayone at May 31, 2011 8:34 AM

Thanos with the infinity gauntlet might be a little much to take on story wise. While they could simplify it that only the Avengers need to take him out, you do need much more than that based on the comic books. I kind of figured with the extra clip in the credits for Thor the Avengers would eventually take on Ultron.

Posted by: Matt at May 31, 2011 8:41 AM

you disgusting collection of simpering assfaces.

I would have used " foul phantasmagoria of festering fuckwads," but that's just me.

Posted by: Rykker at May 31, 2011 8:41 AM

I remember Thanos being the villain of that goofy (but awesome) Marvel Superheroes fighting game. He's a pretty silly villain.

As Matt mentioned, I think it'd be pretty great if they took on Ultron. He was one of my favorite Avenger villains and I loved loved loved his creepy robot wives. And that he pretty much kicked everyone's ass up one side and down the other.

Posted by: Sassafrass Green at May 31, 2011 9:23 AM

1. Good morning to you, you lizard-faced Creator's blunder, you.

2. Couldn't you have found a better shot of Thanos than a Crotch-Cam view? That's disturbing as hell.

3. Couldn't the Mandarin's rings be tech-based? They're manipulators, sending commands or projecting power from some generator or other source. Just sayin.'

4. And I'll be very happy if Akira just f-f-f-f-fades away.

Posted by: The Wanderer at May 31, 2011 9:39 AM

Bleujayone, that was priceless.

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at May 31, 2011 9:45 AM

I would have used " foul phantasmagoria of festering fuckwads," but that's just me.

Easy, Rykker. TK can't help his illalliteration.

Posted by: branded at May 31, 2011 10:11 AM

I went and looked up "Infinity Gauntlet" because it sounded pretty cool. What I found out is that it's infinitely cool, because it basically turns you into GodJesusVishnuAllah himself. To impress Death (who is apparently not abstract and actually kind of a hottie?) Thanos uses the Power Glove to kill half the universe. Death is unimpressed. Some other shit happens. Later, Thanos becomes one with the Multiverse (who is apparently an even better catch than Death) and his daughter steals the Super Fister and says "Ha ha, just kidding, everything Dad did is reversed, you're all alive again and no one remembers, seeya!"

This is why I don't read comic books.

Posted by: Ian at May 31, 2011 10:26 AM

Hawkman, when he gets pissed, is liable to cave in an evil-doer's skull with a fucking mace. He is not lame.

I would be totally down with Isaiah Mustafa playing Luke Cage, although Michael Jai White would still be my first choice. (Also part of my first choice: that it be full-on seventies blacksploitation.)

Posted by: Todd at May 31, 2011 10:55 AM

Yes! I was hoping that video would end up here! My old college buddy Liz plays Wonder Woman at the end.

Posted by: Smokin at May 31, 2011 11:08 AM

Hawkman is the type of character who should have had a movie made during the salad days of The Phantom, The Rocketeer, and Dark Man. I was a fan when I was a kid, then I found out he didn't actually have wings, he just wore, basically, a winged backpack. That's even lamer than Warren Worthington III, pre-Apocalypse.

As for Thanos, I love the idea, if by the the third Avengers movie they're doing the Infiniti Gauntlet storyline. (Though, they need to get Spider-Man back from Sony first.) But, does anyone know how the ***POSSIBLE, STILL HIDDEN SPOILER*** Cxxxxc Cxxe reveal at the end of Thor is supposed to fit in? Is that a tie to Captain America or The Avengers? I'm far too lazy to search my old comics, or Wikipedia, to put the pieces together.

Posted by: RobP at May 31, 2011 11:20 AM

"Ha ha, just kidding, everything Dad did is reversed, you're all alive again and no one remembers, seeya!"

What, you don't like when comic book writers kill off main characters only to explain said character's reappearance through the magically invented "time displacement bullet"?

Posted by: D-Day at May 31, 2011 12:15 PM

I thought Mandarin's rings were futuristic technology from an alien world. Are they not?

Imma look on Wikipedia.

[looks on Wikipedia]

"The rings' operations cannot be explained by contemporary Earth science, but it is known that they served as near-limitless power sources for the warp-drive engines of the Makluan starship of Axonn-Karr."

Oh yeah baby. Supernatural alien worlds (bringing it over from Facebook) sound like technology to me.

Posted by: pastorasente at May 31, 2011 12:37 PM

SWAN DIVE!

Posted by: Blake Shrapnel at May 31, 2011 1:20 PM

Speaking as a Hyperion fanboy - my daughter's name is Aenea - that project should die a swift and painful death.

A HBO or Showtime series might be possibile - but even those networks have their limits on what they'll put on the screen. There's a reason Simmons made his name first in horror. Dan makes Steven King look like a frickin' hack.

Posted by: idiosynchronic at May 31, 2011 2:28 PM

Bleujayone, you are my hero and new best friend. That was fantastic enough to copy and share.

Posted by: Jana Jerusalem at May 31, 2011 2:55 PM

Bleujayone, you are hilarious!

and that hero video was great!

also, Thanos is cool lookin'.

Posted by: ChickaBoom! at May 31, 2011 7:07 PM

not hyperion! this idea MUST die. there's no way it would be done properly. NOOO!

Posted by: splinter at May 31, 2011 7:40 PM

Die, white-washed version of Akira set in New York instead of New Tokyo! DIE!

Yet even in death, your sacrifice will never repair the crushed dreams of fans who suffered through The Last Airbender.

At least I won't have to go all Oedipus on my eyes though.

Posted by: keikoreo at June 1, 2011 7:10 AM