The '50 Shades of Grey' Teaser Is Really Going to Appeal to Knee Fetishists
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The '50 Shades of Grey' Teaser Is Really Going to Appeal to Knee Fetishists

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | July 21, 2014 | Comments ()


The teaser for 50 Shades of Grey premiered on Beyonce’s Instagram account over the weekend for some reason. I guess because Beyonce’s Instagram account probably has a bigger audience than the usual outlets for these sorts of things. The full trailer itself will also debut on Beyonce’s Instagram account this Thursday because Beyonce has no problem being associated with a tawdry, badly-written novel about an abusive sexual relationship.

But then again, Beyonce and Jay Z are high-ranking members of the Illuminati who had Whitney Houston ritually murdered as a sacrifice for Blue Ivy, so don’t put anything past these two.

You all do know that “Ivy” refers to “I-lluminati’s V-ery Y-oungest” and Blue means “B-orn L-iving U-nder E-vil,” right? And that her name spelled backwards — Eulb Yvi — is Latin for Satan’s daughter?

I just blew your mind, didn’t I?

Sorry, I had to soften your brain for the teaser. Here you go!

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • Maydays

    Is anyone else a bit excited for the inevitable news footage of the women who will stand in line for this mess? That will be fun.

  • Rebecca Hachmyer

    Dakota Johnson? Or Susan May Pratt?

  • Yay! It's the most Pro-Abuse Movie of the Year! I can't wait!

  • TK

    "This year, a story unlike any other. A tale of two generically attractive, irritating people from two different yet still totally cliched worlds, drawn together in a romance that will leave you breathlessly cursing your life choices."

    "White People Fucking. Coming soon to theaters everywhere."

  • I assume you take note of her knees rather than his knuckles, because we're trying to avoid mentioning the fact that the book was essentially a sales pitch for domestic abuse that worked frighteningly well.

  • Ruthie O

    I've been reading the Pervocracy's recaps of 50 Shades. The whole project started off funny, but as the book goes on, the recaps are just sad and terrifying. And loaded with content warnings. How did so many women find the manipulation and abuse to be romantic?

  • I found the same to be true reading the recaps on The Snark Squad. I felt so bad for the recappers, because they were traumatized.

  • Can one reasonably assume that Beyonce will be on the soundtrack? Because that little singsong bit at the end sounds like her, and that would explain her motivation for posting this teaserless trailer.

  • pissants_doppelganger

    I don't know if that was Beyonce, but that moaning business at the end of the teaser (uh-oh uh-oh uh-oh uh-na-na) is from Crazy In Love, albeit slower and sloppier.

  • JustOP

    >being associated with a tawdry, badly-written novel about an abusive sexual relationship.

    That millions of women worldwide lapped up. Something that started out as Twilight fan-fction is now being made into a Hollywood movie.

    Starring Mr Tall Dark Handsome™, another young-adult drama exploring the ways in which Miss Middle Class White Woman™ undergoes intense mental gymnastics in order to come to terms with her 'latent desire' to be completely dominated.

  • BootlegGinger

    the seismic activity being reported is said to be every gothic writer spinning in his or her grave

  • Al Borland's Beard

    "The '50 Shades of Grey' Teaser Is Really Going to Appeal to Knee Fetishists"

    Finally I'll have something to masturbate to other than the Rocky 3 beach training scene.

  • A teaser for a trailer for a movie that's essentially Red Shoe Diaries with worse dialogue got 389,000 views on a pop star's instagram account. How WWII vets navigate this world in any state but perpetual rage is beyond me.

  • BlackRabbit

    Because they're just regular people, like you and me?

  • emmalita

    It already looks better than the book.

  • BWeaves

    That's because you couldn't see her biting her lip or rolling her eyes.

  • Sassy Pikachu

    Let's just hope that the dialogues of the "inner goddess" will be omitted.

  • emmalita

    I think the 15 seconds we saw should be all we see. It only goes downhill from here.

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