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Teri Hatcher's Backyard Fights | Pajiba - Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

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You’ve Been Plunged, Bitch

Small Screen News and Self Help / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | February 10, 2009 | Comments (26)

I’ve got a plethora of mostly bland television news for you this afternoon, so don’t touch that dial. Get ready to be APATHIZED! Prepare to be willed into listlessness. Hang on to your drool, folks. Here we go:

First up, NBC — looking for the perfect complement to its stalwart reality show, “The Biggest Loser,” a great show about sweat and obesity and the human condition — has signed up Tony Robbins and his new reality show, still untitled.

The show will follow Robbins as he takes participants and helps them face personal challenges; the pilot, for example, focused on someone who was a lifelong stutterer — and who, by the end of the episode, was speaking in front of a public audience. For each segment, Robbins will create a 30-day program for the individual to get their life back on track. Cameras will capture that evolution throughout the month, documentary-style.

I can feel my heart warm already — actually, I think that’s heartburn. Tony Robbins: You motherfucker.

Next up, Chris Moynihan, who you may know as one of the dudes on “Coupling” (The British version), has written an ensemble comedy for NBC, entitled “100 Questions for Charlotte Payne.” It’s an ensemble comedy about a woman navigating dating life in NYC. Man! That’s original. Nothing at all like “Coupling,” or “Friends,” or nearly every other ensemble comedy of the last 10 years!

Are you sleepy yet? Well, wait: There’s more! ABC has announced the lineup of “celebrities” for this round of “Dancing with the Stars.” Hang on to your hat — maybe snort some cocaine off of Rosie Perez’s ass. Here we go:

Belinda Carlisle,
Steve-O
Lil’ Kim
Nancy O’Dell
Denise Richards
David Alan Grier
Steve Wozniak
Shawn Johnson
Jewel
Gilles Marini
Ty Murray
Lawrence Taylor
Chuck Wicks

There are two big twists in this season of “Dancing with the Stars.” One is that both Jewel and her husband will appear (becoming the first washed-up couple in “DWTS” history, and two: Each week, after a celebrity is eliminated, he or she will be ground up and made into glue! Fantastic. Oh, LT: Your best years are behind you.


Finally, because no TV round-up could be complete without a viral video, here’s the latest from Kimmell, featuring Teri Hatcher’s “Backyard Fights.” Get ready for Teri as you’ve never seen her before (no, not with meat on her bones):



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Comments

Why was that hoe beating up that woman with Terri Hatcher?

Posted by: admin at February 10, 2009 5:29 PM

I'm now hot for Teri Hatcher.

Odd.

Posted by: Naginata at February 10, 2009 5:39 PM

Uh, according to IMdB, Chris Moynihan was on the crappy US version of Coupling.

If it were one of the British guys, I'd watch their show if they came over to do the Spider-man dance. As is, I will not "100 Questions for Charlotte Payne" if for no other reason than I must protest my first name being associated with anyone to do with the US abomination that was Coupling.

(Sidenote: Charlotte used to be a pretty rare name outside of 19th Century Brit Lit. I was so thankful for that name growing up surrounded by Ashleys, Megans, and Micheles. What happened?)

Posted by: foursweatervests at February 10, 2009 5:43 PM

I think anyone who has seen Heaven's Prisoners will agree with me that while Teri Hatcher's hoots may be real, they are definitely not spectacular. Unless spectacular means kind of floppy and disappointing.

Posted by: Eep at February 10, 2009 5:49 PM

True, Eep. But once? Ah, once they were as lovely as a spring morn, or the moon over Paris. Yes, my friend, once upon a time -- once upon many times, in fact -- I did spank it to those hooters, and it was good.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at February 10, 2009 6:06 PM

Fuck. FUCK. I knew that slutty hag Denise Richards would find another way to worm her way into the shitpile of the world. WHY does this hideous woman keep getting attention? WHY!

Godtopus damn that show. Stop giving have-beens credibility.

(Don't let this fool you into thinking I like Charlie Sheen. I hate his smarmy ass, too)

Posted by: figgy at February 10, 2009 6:07 PM

When was that, Tracer? She was only 31-32 when they made Heaven's Prisoners. I mean, with support they look great, but without...

Posted by: Eep at February 10, 2009 6:17 PM

The Tony Robbins crap ...

How can we make "30 Days" appeal to a mass audience? I know! Let's add a self help component, a smarmy guru, and put it on after the Biggest Loser. We can go from documentary to douchey in just 30 days!

Posted by: stipe42 at February 10, 2009 7:22 PM

I thought Li'l Kim was in jail. (?)

Posted by: Sean at February 10, 2009 7:38 PM

Why was that hoe beating up that woman with Terri Hatcher?

I get it!

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at February 10, 2009 6:06 PM

Well, I've got nothing to add to that.

Posted by: Vermillion at February 10, 2009 7:39 PM

Steve Wozniak? As in, cofounder of Apple Computers? I would have thought an innovator like that could come up with something more interesting to do with his time than perform on Dancing with the Stars.

Posted by: Imiachra at February 10, 2009 7:48 PM

Woz has been retired from intense computer startups since his accident in the 80's when he crashed his light plane and wound up with amnesia. At one point he was teaching upper elementary and also financing a non-profit providing computers to middle schools. He's waded back into tech stuff, but is obviously not out to recreate Apple.

That said, I'd be very, very sad to see Steve crushed into glue. He may not be Jobs, but he's a guy with good karma and who would want to be Jobs' sociopathic? And Woz may be the only thing to *ever* get me to watch that dumb show.

Posted by: idiosynchronic at February 10, 2009 8:09 PM

WOW so much suck..I feel like Rihanna after a fight with her boyfriend..


too soon?

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 10, 2009 8:36 PM

Nancy O'Dell???? The completely plastic chick from one of those gossip shows? That translates to being a "star" under whose definition of the term? I feel that these Dancing with The Stars people are getting very close to me appearing on their roster.

"Hey, we could get PaddyDog. You remember: she was real big on the Pajiba boards a few years ago, regularly made the Eloquents list, started a few fun flame wars? But now it's all the younger, more with-it folk and she's just not that relevant anymore. She's probably desperate for some attention, even from a lobotomized pile of santorum like our show. I bet we won't even have to pay her."

Posted by: PaddyDog at February 10, 2009 8:50 PM

Well Dustin as bad as these shows are, at least none of them are Heroes. That show can smoke a cold turd on a hot rock in hell. It's the worst show on NBC. God damn it's fallen far. If you still haven't given up, do it know! It sucks! It's fucking garbage! Not even the most forgiving nerd in the world can defend that piece of shit! It's like being punched in the cock (or cunt for you female readers) for 40 minutes. I find anything more entertaining than Heroes, even Saved By The Bell is more entertaining!

Fuck Heroes!

Posted by: George at February 10, 2009 8:53 PM

Eep, I bet your nutsack is extraordinary. Unless extraordinary means kind of floppy and disappointing.

Posted by: Lauren at February 10, 2009 9:30 PM

Dancing with The Stars people are getting very close to me appearing on their roster.

I find it upsetting that you would place yourself below these "stars" PaddyDog. You would be a superior contestant regardless of your dancing ability. Just imagine the ceaseless mockery and snark. It would be gloriously entertaining.

Dancing With The Eloquents, Mondays on the History Channel. Cause that's how we roll bitches.

Posted by: admin at February 10, 2009 10:11 PM

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Posted by: KK at February 10, 2009 10:54 PM

Paddy, you will ALWAYS be relevant. Don't ever think otherwise.

Posted by: Nicole at February 11, 2009 1:03 AM

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 10, 2009 8:36 PM

Well, you just made me spit coffee onto my laptop. Thanks a bunch. It's never too soon.

Posted by: io at February 11, 2009 8:16 AM

B'Slim:

It's never too soon. Keep 'em coming.

Posted by: PaddyDog at February 11, 2009 9:22 AM

I think at one time Wozniak was trying to save the Professional Bowlers' Tour, guess he is just bored and trying to get into better shape.

As for the rest, I am waiting for Steve-O to sucker punch one of the judges, that would be good TV. He will be second out after Richards. Jewel should be fun to watch as they duck tape her fun bags into those dresses. Finally the little shit gymnast will win easily.

Posted by: richmac at February 11, 2009 10:10 AM

Lauren- Yes, my nutsack is extraordinary, unless extraordinary means kind of floppy and disappointing, just as you said :-)

Seriously, though, I'm not trying to be a chauvanist here. A couple points in my defense:
1) If Teri Hatcher were a serious actress making money off her acting chops, this would be a different story, but she is a mediocre actress who makes her money on her appearance, so I feel that makes aspects of her appearance fair game.
2) I know that people may be thinking that I'm just being hyper-critical and holding people to standards of beauty generated by our plastic society, blah, blah, but I think that if you seek out the scene on the internet (and it can be found) of her standing nude on a balcony in what is supposed to be a very beguiling scene in Heaven's Prisoners, you will see that I am correct in a very nearly fully objective sense. Certainly they are not "spectacular" as described in Seinfeld.

Posted by: Eep at February 11, 2009 11:06 AM

The character referred to them as spectacular. As far as I know, Hatcher has never described her tits as such.

My point was that boobs and balls are both unsupported external organs, and that expecting one or the other to defy gravity/nature is an unrealistic presumption. Shit sags.

So you didn't like her tits; okay, you're entitled to your opinion. But opinions on attractiveness are not "objective".

You do get points for offering to explain yourself. MINUS 10 POINTS FOR BALL FUNK!! HA!!

jk :P

Posted by: Lauren at February 11, 2009 6:07 PM

Floppy is a technical term, not a subjective one :P Disappointing was my opinion, tis true.

I'm not mad at Teri Hatcher, I think she's very pretty and she seems nice, if a little dotty at times. I just thought it was ironic given what was said about the character.

Posted by: Eep at February 11, 2009 6:30 PM

ikgkvky

Posted by: gdxgr at March 11, 2009 12:15 PM





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