Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Remake

More Godd*mned Turtle Power?

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (30)

It seems like no matter how bad the remake idea, someone’s always getting pissed off at me for adding to the remake insult by crapping on your fond 80s memories. Voltron? Come on! I’m sorry if I suggested that the combination of six lions to form a giant-ass robot was similar, in my mind, to Transformers. You’re absolutely right! A giant transforming robot has absolutely nothing to do with the Transformers. And after watching the opening of “Voltron,” the cartoon, I just don’t know how I kept myself from tracking down the entire series and marathoning it over the next few days.

Anyway, Voltron and World of Warcraft lovers and haters alike can at least agree on this: Bringing back the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, again, is a terrible idea. Right? Right? We’re all on the same page here, aren’t we? Two animated series, a live-action series, and four movies is enough, right?

No sir! Despite the fact that the last movie, TMNT was a mere two years ago, it’s apparently time for a reboot. And that, of course, means origins story! Because what we’ve all been dying to know for decades now is where those goddamn turtles and that sewer rat came from.

In the new TMNT film, the producers are returning to live-action (after the CGI movie of 2007 fizzled at the box-office, because, obviously, the problem was in the format. And now, they’ve even found a writer: John Fusco. Fusco wrote the two Young Guns films back in the 80s (remakes in 3 … 2 … 1 …), as well as the Viggo Mortenson starrer, Hidalgo. But he’s certainly not out of his depth here: Fusco is also a trained martial arts expert, which makes him the perfect choice to write a kid’s movie about ninja-fighting turtles in a half shell.

Brother.

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Comments

What?!

I have a lot of love for the first two Ninja Turtle films, I'm super cereal. There is absolutely no reason for a reboot!

I mean, now I'm going to have to get the autographs of the actors again. Jesus guys, can't you give a guy a break?

Posted by: Snath at July 23, 2009 9:19 AM

They won't be able to recreate the magic of the earlier films without Vanilla Ice and his seminal hit, "Go, ninjas. Go." Of course, Ice shouldn't be hard to find as he's working the midday shift as assistant lead supervisor at the Popeye's on La Cinega.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at July 23, 2009 9:22 AM

The key is to distract the producers with some other shiny idea.

Look over there! It's The Greatest American Hero. Remake that one!

Posted by: branded at July 23, 2009 9:26 AM

Why do you need an origins story when you have that great scene of turtles moseying around in toxic waste from the 1990 version?

Posted by: buttercup at July 23, 2009 9:31 AM

i grew up watching the teenage mutant ninja turtles
they better not mess it up i hope it's master yoshi became splinter because of the ooze. and i hope it has krang, bebop and rocksteady.

Posted by: Utah Dynamo at July 23, 2009 9:33 AM

Damn you, branded! His slumber has been breached!

*Scrawny weakling emerges steely-eyed from a blond afro pod wearing ill-fitting tights*

There will be no remake on The Katt's watch.

Posted by: Kballs at July 23, 2009 9:34 AM

I welcome the teenage mutant ninja turtles remake with open arms. The stupid commercials from all of the mainstream pizza companies, the sudden spike in turtle sales at pet stores, the even more steep increase in dead turtles who failed to execute karate for their owners, all worth it if they finally do the Turtles justice.

They should really just paint Tony Jaa green and have him cavort around beating the shit out of people.

Posted by: Braski at July 23, 2009 9:45 AM

I’m sorry if I suggested that the combination of six lions to form a giant-ass robot was similar, in my mind, to Transformers.

There were only five lions: Blue, Yellow, Green, Red and Black.

n00b

Posted by: Forbiddendonut at July 23, 2009 9:50 AM

So far today Pajiba has put in my head the theme song from The Poddington Peas (which I have annoyed my office with) and now this (which I sing as Teenage Mutant HERO Turtles, cos I'm British and we weren't allowed Ninjas). I wonder what's next.

'Raphael is cool but crude, (Gimme a break!)
Michelangelo is a party dude. (Party!)'

Posted by: Carrie at July 23, 2009 9:55 AM

Get Shayamalan to direct. The twist? The ooze is turtle soup. Nooooooo!

Posted by: admin at July 23, 2009 9:56 AM

and i hope it has krang, bebop and rocksteady.

No no no no, can't you see what would happen?

They were already pretty corny when they were created, but think about now!

I'm sure the filmmakers would want Bebop to be completely "urban," so I can just imagine some horrible thugged-out stereotype, à la Mudflap and Skids. Rocksteady would be made into some kind of Klan member or something, completely white trash, spewing phrases like "Git 'r done!"

Ugh.

Posted by: Snath at July 23, 2009 10:07 AM

can the reboot go retro and follow the appendage-losing-black-and-white-comics? I would watch that shit.

Posted by: nicfitfromnc at July 23, 2009 10:17 AM

Goddamn, do I love the first two ninja turtles movies beyond the telling of it. I can still sing the entirety of Ninja Rap and it is awesome.

Also, I kind of hope Snath was being serious because I actually DO have the autographs of those guys somewhere and I would like to know I'm not alone in that.

Posted by: Alice at July 23, 2009 10:28 AM

"Leonardo leads,
Donatello loves machines!"

I still have my purple headband...somewhere.
Despite that I don't think I could handle ANOTHER remake. Hell I couldn't stand the first one.

Posted by: Four Eyes at July 23, 2009 10:39 AM

Go Ninja, Go ninja GO!

Ninja.....RAP

Posted by: "Luker" the barbarian at July 23, 2009 11:06 AM

My first ever crush on a girl was April from the cartoon.

Real men are into toons.

Posted by: "Luker" the barbarian at July 23, 2009 11:19 AM

Yes Alice, I was being serious. They were around for some reason when Secret of the Ooze came out, and they signed my VHS copy.

Posted by: Snath at July 23, 2009 11:51 AM

Four Eyes,
I believe it is "Donatello does machines."

Don't worry though, I grew up in the South(US). I used to think it was:

"When the evil Shredder attacks,
These colored-boys don't cut 'em no slack"

Ah, racist mondegreens. Klandegreen? Anyway, I'm better now. I was like six...

Posted by: MaryMary at July 23, 2009 11:58 AM

Ah, racist mondegreens. Klandegreen?

That is fantastic, and a great word.

Also, MaryMary, why ya buggin? (Sorry about that. I had to.)

Posted by: branded at July 23, 2009 12:10 PM

I totally hear Desmond's voice yelling "Brother" and not a Ninja Turtle.

Also, the idea of a "remake" of this is fine by me. I don't care, even though they were my favorite toy as a child. All about the ninja turtle.

Posted by: adam at July 23, 2009 1:44 PM

Reasons the 80s April rocked:
--she was a fully fleshed character instead of "The Girl"
--she wasn't sexualized (which made sense as the show was for 8 year olds)
--she had a fun job, a cool apartment, and funny sidekicks
--she didn't get all moony over her love interest
--she was designed to appeal to kids, not their dads
Reasons the new April will probably suck:
--She'll be "The Girl"
--She'll be tramped out so clothing companies can launch a line of TMNT thongs, hooker boots, and makeup all marketed to 8 year old girls
--the job, apartment, and sidekicks will be made "exxxtreme" cause that's what marketers tell us kids think is cool
--she'll go all Bridget Jones on Casey Jones
--she'll be fitted with a big pair of lightly clad anime boobs and bend over a lot to get men too old to be watching a damn kid's movie into the theatre

Prove me wrong, Hollywood!

Posted by: Inaras at July 23, 2009 1:44 PM

Well, Incaras, they've already done a pretty good job of proving you right, unfortunately.

Here's the April from TMNT.

And here's the April from the current cartoon series.

Now ain't that just super duper?

By the time they're done she'll be a fucking Bratz doll.

Posted by: Snath at July 23, 2009 2:30 PM

Damn. I love the Voltron opening theme, but now I'm going to have that damned thing playing in my head all day.

Da-da-da-DADADA-DDAAAAAAAAAM-DADADAAAAAAAAAA...dammit.

Posted by: figgy at July 23, 2009 2:53 PM

Figgy: To me what you're singing is the Star Wars theme. :)

Posted by: Carrie at July 23, 2009 3:11 PM

Clearly, you just can't read music!

Posted by: figgy at July 23, 2009 3:25 PM

Why, do I detect the dulcet tones of Peter Cullen in that clip?

So why would Optimus Prime be trying to sluff off protection of the universe to some earthlings whom are running around in inferior versions of the transformers?

Posted by: idiosynchronic at July 23, 2009 5:48 PM

Sick.

Posted by: danny at July 23, 2009 5:49 PM

"They should really just paint Tony Jaa green and have him cavort around beating the shit out of people." - Braski

Best idea ever!

Posted by: Stacy at July 23, 2009 6:09 PM

A little TOO Raph!

Posted by: bubblegumshoe at July 23, 2009 6:25 PM

Someone said they wanted to make a TMNT movie based on the comics that was as adult as the comics were (super violent and grungy). But I guess it's not to be.

Posted by: Christian H. at July 23, 2009 7:25 PM

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More Godd*mned Turtle Power?

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