Teen Wolf Remake

What Happens When You Wax a Werewolf's Chest?

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (13)

Check this out: Two weeks ago, number five on my Seriously Random List: “Five Franchises Primed for a Reboot”:

Teen Wolf: With the advance of makeup effects and computer graphics, the sudden popularity of vampires and, soon, werewolves (thanks to Twilight and Benicio Del Toro’s fortchcoming The Wolf Man and even Underworld), werewolf movies are likely the next big wave of remakes/reboots/ and sequels. And why not go after one of the most beloved franchises. It’s been 22 years since the horrid Jason Bateman Teen Wolf Too, and teen-targeted movies are the biggest moneymakers are the box office now. Teen Wolf, like the upcoming Karate Kid remake, already has a built in studio formula, so it wouldn’t take much to insert a new actor in Michael J. Fox’s stead. Hell, Robert Pattinson already has the hair for it. This one is coming; it’s only a matter of time.

You notice that last line? “It’s only a matter of time”? Yeah: That time is now. Fuck me in the armpit running. There’s not a lot of details yet, but according to Moviehole, Warner Brothers — who owns the rights to the movie — are “currently out to writers.” They’re apparently looking for the right reinterpretation, although in my opinion, reinterpretation isn’t necessary. It’s a simple movie, fools. High-school loser becomes werewolf, werewolf becomes star player of the basketball team, fat guy shoots the winning basket. The end. And as I suggested before, Pattinson already had the hair for the part.

Just don’t turn it into a musical.

I wonder what happens if you wax a werewolf’s chest? Does it grow back immediately? At the next full moon? Or does the werewolf get chest stubble in two weeks?

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Comments

Maybe, instead of basketball, he'll play football and he'll be the quarterback and they'll make a play called the Full Moon and he'll run on all fours to the end zone and then start howling at the moon?

Then he'll get drunk, eat his own poop and then knock up his neighbor's dog and then leave that bitch.

Posted by: annoyingmouse at June 18, 2009 10:51 AM

Well, I'm keeping my hopes simple, and thus should likely avoid disappointment. I just hope the best friend/love interest gets a better nickname this time. I mean, unless they end up naming the girl 'Pustule' or some shit, pretty much anything has got to be an improvement over 'Boof'.

Posted by: Sarina at June 18, 2009 11:12 AM

Maybe he's a high school loser who wolfs out, eats some bullies, ends up in jail, wolfs his way out of jail, makes it back to school in time to hit the game-winning home run, mauls his teammates waiting at home plate, then gets shot by his remorseful father while the grieving families watch from the dugout. Call it Teen Wolf: The Reckoning.
And of course Michael J. Fox would reprise the Teen Wolf role.

Posted by: Kballs at June 18, 2009 11:13 AM

Didn't they sequal/prequal/reboot the shit out of this already? I think they were called Air Bud: Insert Terrible Sports Pun Here.

Posted by: admin at June 18, 2009 11:23 AM

You know, the French have a fetish for armpit fucking. I'd be into it, but alluminum-laced deodorants would probably give me a rash/dry-rub of ugly on my penis. But then again, the French have a fetish for that too, so maybe it would work out...

Posted by: ChristianH at June 18, 2009 11:46 AM

I like it when the fat guy shoots the basket.

Remember when that guy was in Pee Wee's Big Adventure? And Pee Wee gives him trick gum and black stuff starts coming out of his mouth? I thought it was blood for the longest time because I first saw it around Halloween and was told endless times about razor blades in the candy. That scene terrified me. Well, that and Large Marge.

Shut up, I was 7.

Posted by: Sharon at June 18, 2009 11:55 AM

Well, due to their accelerated healing factor, werewolves will obviously grow the hair back almost immediately, before your eyes.

Hair cutting is actually a clever plot point in Anne Rice's Vampire Lestat. (the book, not the movie, never ever that movie). Lestat turns his mother into a vampire and the first thing she does with her immortal freedom is chop off her hair, which her abusive husband has always loved and made her never cut (it's far past her waist). It grows back the next night. And the night after. "What we once were informs all that we have become". Vampires and werewolves and such aren't immortal so much as they are frozen. They don't die, but they also don't grow.

Posted by: Steven Lloyd Wilson at June 18, 2009 12:17 PM

One very, very, VERY important thing needs to be addressed, namely which huge cocked porn stud will be cast as the dude who has his cock hanging out of his pants during the basketball game celebration?

Posted by: ILikeWhores at June 18, 2009 12:59 PM

Wait ... wouldn't a teen wolf be like *squinches eyes, does math* 105 in wolf years? Should the ending be they have to take him out behind the barn and shoot him like Old Yeller?

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 18, 2009 1:17 PM

He turns into Robert Downey Jr., fucks Nicole Kidman and then drowns himself.

Posted by: Treena at June 18, 2009 1:18 PM

Sorry, that last was in reply to the question: I wonder what happens if you wax a werewolf’s chest?

Posted by: Treena at June 18, 2009 1:19 PM

Atta boy bucdaddy.

Posted by: admin at June 18, 2009 1:40 PM

Posted by: ChristianH at June 18, 2009 11:46 AM

And that's why I love the French.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at June 18, 2009 7:44 PM

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What Happens When You Wax a Werewolf's Chest?

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