Taylor Lautner Signs on to Star as Stretch Armstrong

Who Dat Say Lautner Say ... Oh, Piss Off

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (24)

It originated with minstrel shows, people! Come on! Where’s the outrage?

Hurm.

Anyway, Taylor Lautner is going to play Stretch Armstrong. OK. OK? Are you happy? Is the world sufficiently healed enough now? Is this the post-Saints Super Bowl victory you were all craving for? A pretty-boy Twilight douche starring in a dumb ass movie based on a goddamn Hasbro toy? Really?

I want you all to know that this development, somehow, can be completely attributed to Drew Brees. In fact, I heard from a guy who is roommates with a guy who serves coffee at Starbucks to a guy who is cousins with a guy who works in the cafeteria of a Hollywood studio that Drew Brees actually greenlit Stretch Armstrong in the first place.

True fucking story.

Anyway, the movie is set to be about “an uptight spy who stumbles across a stretching formula, which he takes and must now adjust to in everyday life and when fighting crime.” Taylor Lautner will play an “uptight spy”? Well, that’s a stretch.*

I should also mention that Lautner is also currently attached to another crappy action-movie franchise based on a retarded toy company concept. He’ll play the lead in Max Steel, based on a Mattel property, about young extreme-sports athlete who inadvertently earns superpowers after being exposed to nanotechological machines

It goes without saying, obviously, that Stretch Armstrong will be in 3D.

*That horrible pun was brought to you today by Drew Brees and the New Orleans Saints.

(Source: THR)

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Comments

Oooohhhhh! Sounds like *somebody's* a little bitter!!

Posted by: Anna von Beaverpuppet at February 7, 2010 10:51 PM

SAAAAAAAAAAAAAINTS!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: stopthemadness at February 7, 2010 11:00 PM

Come on, I know Colts fans who didn't want the Colts to win. That's what happens when you throw a game to "play it safe".

Posted by: Jim Doggie at February 7, 2010 11:06 PM

Saints Dustin,

I Saints think Saints you Saints doth Saints protest Saints too Saints much Saints about Saints the Saints recent Saints Super Saints Bowl.

Moving right along, um, blaming the hideous prospect of a Stretch Armstrong movie on the Saints is rather weak. We all know who the real culprit is here, and it's the prevailing attitude in Movieland (which, let's face it, is almost synonymous with Zombieland) that the viewing public will swallow anything fed to them.

Gas up the Murdertank.

Posted by: The Wanderer at February 7, 2010 11:08 PM

Oh, good. Someone else is bitter, too. The Saints should never have even made it to the Super Bowl. And now we're stuck with "Who Dat" for who knows how long. I think it may surpass the Terrible Towel as most annoying fan item associated with a sports team ever.

Eh...don't mind me.

Posted by: bonnie at February 7, 2010 11:12 PM

Does it really come from minstrel shows? I thought it came from the Cajun patois? And I love me some cajuns. . .Remy McSwain. . .that firefly from The Princess and The Frog. . .and GAMBIT.

Cher, let's go get some jambalaya and forget about our differences.

Posted by: coveredinbees at February 7, 2010 11:14 PM

Aw, Dustin, I feel ya.

I'm a hoosier, but I'm not at all sad to see the Saints win. We had a big party in '07, lord knows the New Orleans folk could use something to celebrate.

I'd totally buy you a beer and take you a native tour of Lucas Oil Taxpayer Stadium if you're ever in town, though.

Posted by: chamalla at February 7, 2010 11:27 PM

The Super Bowl was today? Oh.

I think Taylor Lautner and the Stretch Armstrong project are a match made in...well no, not Heaven...in Appropriate Match Land, I guess. I mean, a) no one cares and on the other hand b) no one cares. So we can just ignore that whole mess.

I'm happy for New Orleans that they won the pennant. Or the big cup thingy. Or whatever. Good for them.

Posted by: Jerce at February 7, 2010 11:49 PM

Saints won. Case closed. That city, that franchise deserves a championship. I can deal with hearing more "Who Dat"s than seeing yinzers sport their towels any day of the week. Colts will be fine.

Posted by: Mr.West at February 8, 2010 12:12 AM

ok, maybe many pajibans are american, and are heavily invested in either being obsessed with the superbowl, or hating it. but some of us are from "not the US" and have barely heard of the superbowl and do not care.

I am canadian and can relate. if this were a stanley cup and anti-stanley cup weekend, perhaps i would be in. perhaps. are you going to run one of those when it comes up?

but from my point of view, my normally titillating site for movies and venom, has been taken over by some obscure game called "football". the last five articles on the site have all been superbowl. nothing was left for the weekend that wasn't part of american pigskin obsessions.

Is this peculiar phenomenon so big in your land, that even though you were a refuge from sports, you suddenly have to hijack yourself? surely if i were yanking my cock off trying to find internet content on the superbowl, i could have gone elsewhere than pajibaland?

you couldn't make a little oasis?

Posted by: idleprimate at February 8, 2010 12:13 AM

Reasons it's good to be young on Feb 8, 2010:
1. It's OK that Taylor Lautner is your favorite celebrity. Because when the age gap is like 2 years, it's not creepy to love someone exclusively for their abs.
2. 98% of people under 25 not living in the Midwest rooted for the Saints. So everyone's happy (true story..based on a poll of like 20 nerdy kids in Boston).
3. If you don't remember last night, it's cool, not Skitzy.
4. When you get up at 10 on weekday mornings, there's already a Pajiba post or two up.
5. It's OK that Jon Stewart is your second favorite celebrity. Because when he's older, even by almost 30 years, it's not creepy to love someone exclusively for their satire.
6. You're growing up in the Age of the Godtopus.

Posted by: esme at February 8, 2010 12:33 AM

It's ALWAYS OK to like Jon Stewart. Especially since, as someone pointed out to me today, he's looking more and more like Captain Von Trapp.

Posted by: coveredinbees at February 8, 2010 1:31 AM

WHO DAT SAY TAYLOR LAUTNER CAN ACT!?

No seriously, find the guy and shoot him.

Posted by: D-Day at February 8, 2010 8:24 AM

A 19-year-old uptight spy? Really? I guess I shouldn't care, since I wasn't going to see this movie regardless of what they did with it, but seriously? I guess I'm alone in wanting my action heroes to be able to buy beer but not qualify for senior discount tickets at their own movies (YOU HEARD ME STALLONE!)

Posted by: Gimpenstein at February 8, 2010 8:41 AM

Gas up the Murdertank.

Lautner isn't worthy of the honour of being Murdertanked. A hastily tossed flaming bag of poo perhaps, but we shall not soil our tracks with the likes of him.

Posted by: admin at February 8, 2010 9:29 AM

Actually, I think this is genius casting, since Lautner already looks as if, when he was born, the doctor just pulled on his head to get him out, and *stretch* went his neck.

Posted by: roundapples at February 8, 2010 10:00 AM

Actually, I think this is genius casting, since Lautner already looks as if, when he was born, the doctor just pulled on his head to get him out, and *stretch* went his neck.

Posted by: roundapples at February 8, 2010 10:00 AM

For crying out loud, thank you! Nasty smushed-face giraffe boy is way creepy and I do not like.

Posted by: Katers at February 8, 2010 10:37 AM

Oh, come on, Dustin. WHO DAT need to give us a widdle smile???

Dear people who don't care about the Super Bowl: I live in Lousiana, please try not to pee in my Cheerios this morning. Or so help me, I will curse you with monkey babies.

Dear Colts fans, if our position were reversed, I wouldn't be saying your team shouldn't even have been there -- I'd be saying nice things about Peyton Manning. Let us enjoy the fact that our Saints held one of the best teams in the country to under 20 points in addition to winning our very first Super Bowl--we DESERVE to be proud of that.

Dear Taylor Lautner, I hope you get eaten by sharks.

Posted by: PaleoLithchick at February 8, 2010 10:42 AM

Um. Um.
WHO DAT?!?!
PaleoLithchick, we're having a Saints parade tomorrow with the whole team. You should drive down for it. =)

Posted by: jamiepants at February 8, 2010 11:24 AM

Well, as long as I don't read three particular words this week, it'll just be buzzing and not actually painful. Because if I can think of something awful it might just exist somewhere. Probably in Philadelphia.

Posted by: Jay at February 8, 2010 11:44 AM

People, look on the brightside of this news: Lautner has reached his peak level of fame. He'll do a couple more Twilight turds (including one where he falls in love with a baby) and he's ALREADY at the Vin-Diesel-changes-poopy-diapers stage of fame. It's almost over!

Posted by: figgy at February 8, 2010 1:03 PM

The Saints should never have even made it to the Super Bowl.

Bonnie - see now, as far as I'm concerned there shouldn't even be an Indianapolis Colts team. Yes, it's thirty years after the fact, but I'm old enough to remember when the Baltimore Colts snuck away in the middle of the night! So even though I despise football, I know how to remain bitter and hold a grudge. (You're welcome, Dad.)

But I'm totally with you on that stupid, fucking towel thing.

Posted by: tamatha at February 8, 2010 1:26 PM

Jamiepants I'd totally be down, but alas, work and roller derby practice mean I can't. But I heard a rumor that they're going to come up for a special Baton Rouge parade...

Posted by: PaleoLithchick at February 8, 2010 1:48 PM

Dustin can have his sour grapes. There's nothing in the world that will top seeing my 95 year old grandmother (recovering from a broken hip) dancing on her front porch with a walker in celebration of the first Superbowl win for the Saints!

Posted by: The Seaward at February 8, 2010 2:04 PM

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Who Dat Say Lautner Say ... Oh, Piss Off

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