web counter
 

Funny Lookin' Dude from New Moon Gets Own Film

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (33)

taylor-lautnerdd.jpg

Have you ever jammed a bottle of maple syrup up your ass, had it explode, and — as a result — your butt cheeks stuck together for weeks, causing a system back-up that made your eyes float?

Yeah. Me neither. But watching Taylor Lautner try to act is something akin to that feeling, I would think. Dude is seriously one of the most horrendous actors on the planet — he seems so completely self-aware and anxious, like a popular 17-year-old high school girl who is approached by local news cameras while she’s in her sweatpants. Yeah. She wants to be on camera, but OMG can they see my zit? The fella is not even cut out for public service announcements on local access channels in Canada. But of course, he’s getting his own film.

I mean: He’s knows martial arts, and he is Team Jacob, so Summit Entertainment is setting up an action pic for him called Cancun, from Eric Champnella and Grant Thompson, the former the genius behind Bernie Mac’s Mr. 3000.

The story follows an out-of-place college kid who travels with a girl to Cancun on a break. While there, the girl and her friends are taken hostage by a drug cartel and he is forced to save them. Because of course he is. And being in Cancun also takes full advantage of the fact that he’ll be able to take off his shirt in every other scene, so as to draw in the Twilight moms, too.

How bad an actor is Lautner? Take a gander — dude’s got the most self-conscious on-camera smile ever.

Source: THR









Each Time You Like, Share, Tweet or Stumble a Pajiba Post, An Angel Does the Paul Rudd Dance

← Bounty Hunter Trailer | Jersey Shore Review →









Comments

(I actually kind of enjoyed him in that Team Jacob/Edward sketch they did. That's OK, you can all revile me now, but I think the kid did a HELL of a lot better than January Jones-though that ain't setting the bar too high).

Posted by: coveredinbees at December 18, 2009 10:45 AM

Have you ever jammed a bottle of maple syrup up your ass, had it explode, and — as a result — your butt cheeks stuck together for weeks, causing a system back-up that made your eyes float?

You mean a Canadian Enema? Weekly. It helps to flush out the Lautner.

Posted by: admin at December 18, 2009 10:51 AM

umyeah..

read somewere that his Dad is one of the producers..

What a surprise.

Posted by: Magiel at December 18, 2009 10:54 AM

I'm not really aware of this kid so I watched the clip ready to laugh at his awkwardness but instead I found him a little adorable. He seems like a nice enough little guy.

I haven't seen Twilight but I have no doubt you're telling me the truth about his lack of acting ability. I can see why the tweeners like him though.

Posted by: becks at December 18, 2009 11:00 AM

Is that anything like a Saskatoon Totem Pole? Or maybe a brown icicle. Definitely not a Montreal Meat Pie.

Posted by: logar at December 18, 2009 11:03 AM

Oh shut up. He did just fine.

Posted by: Danielle Lilly at December 18, 2009 11:10 AM

...and quite adorable. Based on the back-flippy karate-choppy stuff he did, I think he'll do great in that Cancun film.

Posted by: Danielle Lilly at December 18, 2009 11:12 AM

Okay, so... what the fuck is wrong with that kid's neck? Is anyone else as weirded out by it as I am? Does he just have a wee head? Why is it so long (that's what she said)? I'm very put off by this. I know that some people find him adorable, but I just don't find giraffe-esque characteristics a turn on. Also, he can't act worth a shit and he's twelve, but whatever.

Posted by: Katers at December 18, 2009 11:20 AM

Since he can actually do the martial arts required of him, maybe this will be a rare hollywood action film where the cameraman can just stand still and film the action, instead of shaking the camera around to create the illusion of action (aka The Bourne Supremacy/Ultimatium)

Posted by: returnofthesmith at December 18, 2009 11:23 AM

Replace that syrup with Tostitos salsa and you've got the Fiesta Bowl Flush!

He seems like an alright kid, he's just trying too hard. His career arc should quietly resemble a more movie-centric Mario Lopez, culminating with a hosting gig on Who Gives a Shit Weekly.

Posted by: D-Day at December 18, 2009 11:25 AM

Yeah I can't hate him that much. He seems nice and he's actually pretty damn cute but...yes, he's a terrible actor and always looks self-conscious. He seems almost like one of those stage kids forced to act by his parents. He should just stick to male modeling or something useless like that.

Posted by: figgy at December 18, 2009 11:35 AM

Haha, Katers I never said he turned me on. When I said adorable I meant more in the "he's a nice young man" way. He is about 12 years old.

Posted by: becks at December 18, 2009 11:35 AM

Oooh, D-Day, that is spot-on. He's the next Mario Lopez. Harmlessly cute and likable, no acting skills to speak of and massive appeal to both young girls and sad moms. He's gonna be around for a long damn time.

Posted by: figgy at December 18, 2009 11:36 AM

How come no one notes that he's the most effeminate young man ever to carry the lead in a feature film. Way ahead of any openly gay actors I can think of.

Posted by: Kikkanese at December 18, 2009 11:55 AM

...and maybe that explains his extreme awkwardness?

Posted by: Kikkanese at December 18, 2009 11:55 AM

The story follows an out-of-place college kid who travels with a girl to Cancun on a break. While there, the girl and her friends are taken hostage by a drug cartel and he is forced to save them.

Oh, rly?
After turning the girl into an ambulatory sperm bank and then a meat pinata, the banditos are conquered by Lautner using a MacGuyveresque combo of tooth whitener and hair products.

Distraught over the fate of the girl, Taylor is cheered when he realizes that he now has a killer topic for his next Remedial English 101 paper.

Yup...I can see this working.

Posted by: clocker at December 18, 2009 12:05 PM

He has an absolutely awful nose and it drives me crazy. I'm usually not this shallow, so there's all kinds of guilt mixed in with that too. He makes my stomach hurt. I'll be relieved when his 15 minutes are up.

Posted by: king at December 18, 2009 12:07 PM

Katers,
I've noticed that, too! Even given that the video is squashed from widescreen, that's a craaazy long neck.
I can't judge his performance as I can't turn the sound up, but yeah, he does look a bit awkward up there. Too much for a kid that age, maybe?

Posted by: tarn at December 18, 2009 12:16 PM

For a 17 year old, he has the whitest teeth I have ever seen. How is that possible? Eh, I don't care either way. It sounds like something I wouldn't go to the theatres to watch anyway.

Posted by: Peanut_Butter_And_James at December 18, 2009 12:26 PM

I didn't know it was possible to have negative charisma...

Posted by: malikvlc at December 18, 2009 12:29 PM

Oh, and that kick that grazes the head of the Kanye-mannequin was clearly meant to make contact. But he misses. Twice.

You do realize that relying on martial arts to rescue one's loved one in any South American country is tantamount to being the swordsman in Raiders of the Lost Ark, don't you? All it takes is one bullet.

Posted by: malikvlc at December 18, 2009 12:35 PM

You do realize that relying on martial arts to rescue one's loved one in any South American country is tantamount to being the swordsman in Raiders of the Lost Ark, don't you? All it takes is one bullet.
If there was a Jeebus, they'd use a silver bullet and kill two franchises with one shot.

Posted by: clocker at December 18, 2009 12:42 PM

Haha, Katers I never said he turned me on. When I said adorable I meant more in the "he's a nice young man" way. He is about 12 years old.

Posted by: becks at December 18, 2009 11:35 AM

Sorry becks, didn't mean to cast aspersions on you. I was talking about all those crazy people that are obsessed with him and want to lick his face (and/or abs). I can see him being cute in a "aww, I'll pet his little head" kind of way. I mean, I feel that way about actual giraffes too.

Posted by: Katers at December 18, 2009 12:59 PM

Nothing to do with this post, but I need to give Dustin shit for turning off comments on his newest Guide. You coward!

Posted by: the_wakeful at December 18, 2009 1:09 PM

Katers, I hadn't thought about it but I love giraffes too. Perhaps he's benefiting from an almost universal love of giraffes.

Posted by: becks at December 18, 2009 1:40 PM

Hmmm. Baby boy needs to keep quiet and stick to shirtless acrobatics.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at December 18, 2009 2:22 PM

Hey the flippy karate shit was quite cool...he could be the next American (Canadian) Ninja or that guy from Step by STep who was in all those kickboxing movies.

Posted by: stryker1121 at December 18, 2009 4:13 PM

it's funny that the clip of a static kanye face with the audio "uh-oh" generates as many laughs as taylor's antics...

Posted by: djfox at December 18, 2009 4:25 PM

What's with all the Canadian references? That kid is American.

Posted by: Lauren at December 18, 2009 5:39 PM

That kid is so hard on my eyes. I think if I watched a movie where he played the lead role I might go blind. Seriously, in the relationship between him and Taylor Swift, he definitely got the better end of the deal. He gets to look at her and she gets to stare at....him.

Posted by: stardust at December 18, 2009 5:50 PM

The plot for this film is so amazingly stupid I cannot believe it got greenlit.
...I'm fully aware a lot of bad shit gets greenlit, but even so...damn.

Posted by: welldressed at December 18, 2009 8:40 PM

Cannot see him as anything other than "Shark-Boy".

Posted by: Nobody's Little Weasel at December 18, 2009 9:18 PM

Oh shut up, Jesus Christ you are coming off as smug as the hipsters you hate with this. I have no idea how well he'll do outside of Twilight, he could crash and burn, but the only thing I got from that clip was a nice kid doing an ok monologue. You care way to fucking much about this Twilight stuff. Let it go.

Posted by: Jeff at December 18, 2009 11:00 PM