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Sued for Nicking the TARDIS, BBC Barristers Say 'Bugger Off'

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Trade News | November 12, 2013 | Comments ()


tardis_in_the_forest_by_steffari-d5yp2tt.jpg

In a classic case of “Brian Herbert Derangement Syndrome,” Stef Coburn is suing the BBC and claiming he owns the rights to the TARDIS. The basis of this claim is the fact that Coburn’s father wrote the first episode of Doctor Who back in 1963. In a wonderful legal argument that can only be properly evaluated with laughter, Coburn claims that his father granted the BBC informal rights over the TARDIS, but that those rights lapsed with his death and reverted to his mother who, he assures us, gave them to him in the last year. Contrary to popular belief, I am not currently licensed to practice law in most of the United Kingdom, but even so I feel qualified to evaluate the legal standing here as being bloody bollocks.

Says Mr. Coburn:

“It is by no means my wish to deprive legions of Doctor Who fans (of whom I was never one) of any aspect of their favourite children’s programme. The only ends I wish to accomplish, by whatever lawful means present themselves, involve bringing about the public recognition that should by rights always have been his due, of my father James Anthony Coburn’s seminal contribution to Doctor Who, and proper lawful recompense to his surviving estate.”

That sounds awfully complicated, so I’ll translate it: “Once upon a time my dad did something that a bunch of morons like. Give me money.”

The BBC’s response: “The BBC registered the TARDIS trade mark in the 1980s unchallenged and there have been no challenges since.”

Again, with the translation: “Sod off you fucking wanker.”

This is one of the worst cases of Brian Herbert Delusion Syndrome yet recorded. It’s a rare disease that appears to be a congenital defect in which the greatness of a parent is passed on to the offspring with a recessive twat waffle mutation. Typical sufferers experience delusions of grandeur in which they imagine themselves to be the intellectual heir of their parent, while doing nothing but spread manure over that legacy. In the case of Coburn, it appears that the disease has manifested so severely as to not even require nominally following in the footsteps of the parent in order to support the reality constructed by the delusion.

This is a serious disease, and should not be mistaken for Christopher Tolkienism, in which a child deeply respects the works of the parent and continues their legacy.







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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • JenVegas

    You are definitely a better translator than Yahoo Babel Fish.

  • NynjaSquirrel

    Have you seen any of this wanker's other diatribes about Dr Who, about how he's love to bring the whole thing down and cause it to end.
    The BBC have documented evidence that the concept and design of the TARDIS was established way before this wanker's father got involved - including the actual design of a 'night-watchmen's shelter'.
    Oh - and this guy's also a 'writer', having spent so much time in his father's presence learning the fine art of crafting.. blah de blah de bollocks.

    Looking for work? You might go about it a little smarter, without trying to destroy a much loved institution. It's like trying to sell your own brand of clocks by demolishing Big Ben's tower.

  • Snath

    And they already did that in Doctor Who, so you'd STILL be trying to rip them off.

  • manting

    I don't know, there is the Superman example in the U.S. Superman was bought and paid for over 70 years ago but through a law passed in the 70's there have been ongoing court battles up to today.

  • Have I told SLW lately how much, how very much I love him? No I have not.

    It’s a rare disease, that appears to be a congenital defect in which the greatness of a parent is passed on to the offspring with a recessive twat waffle mutation.

    ...And now I love him EVEN MORE.

  • BWeaves

    "recessive twat waffle mutation" is my new favorite phrase. I must find a way to work it into my conversations today. It's a shame I work from home, dammit.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    Okay, but if it's recessive, wouldn't he need to marry someone else with the twat waffle genotype before the twat waffle would actually be expressed, ergo it should be this guy's offspring that try to lay a claim to the TARDIS. So clearly it would need to be a dominant thing.

    Also "congenital" isn't synonymous with "genetic."

    I know. And I'm sorry. It's still hilarious, though. Obviously. Let the downvotes roll.

  • I think we need to do a full punnet diagram analysis of the recessive twat waffle gene. Is the Christopher Tolkeinism counter-gene, merely the dominant-dominant expression of the gene, or are they different altogether.

  • BWeaves

    Yes, yes, yes, but when you're talking to the actual TARDIS appropriator, I suspect they wouldn't be smart enough to understand that you were mocking them with highly technical sounding gibberish.

  • That...is one hell of a retardis claim.

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