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May 13, 2008 |

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | May 13, 2008 |

OK: Put your heads together, and think real hard: If you had to pick the one cult classic that would make for the absolute worst film to sequelize, what would it be? No no, besides Harold and Maude.

If you said Donnie Darko, you win one free trip to sequel hell, courtesy of Velvet Octopus, a British-based studio that doesn’t give a shit about the sanctity of cult cinema. Indeed, the only thing that makes even less sense than Richard Kelly’s abysmally nonsensical Southland Tales is this sequel, S. Darko, which will pick up seven years after the original and follow the life of Donnie’s sister, Samantha. Daviegh Chase, who now plays the creepy Rhonda Volmer in “Big Love,” will reprise her role as Samantha, while Justin Chatwin (Chumscrubber) and Brianna Evigan will also join the cast (and yes: Brianna is the daughter of Greg, who three of you may remember as one of the two dads — along with Paul Reiser — in the seminal 1980s sitcom, “My Two Dads.” Fact: “My Two Dads” was Annie Proulx’s major influence when writing the short story “Brokeback Mountain.”) Richard Kelly, who told the WaPo in 2004 that “there will never be a sequel to Donnie Darko,” will now have to eat his words, though he has absolutely no involvement in the project. Moreover, Donnie is not in the film, though meteorites and rabbits do play a role in the sequel (as does disappointment, rage, and anger). Chris Fisher (Nightstalker) is directing; and for those of you hoping this is just a mean, vicious rumor released to give movie websites something to talk about this week, know this: Production starts Sunday. This Sunday. This motherfucker is real. However, once I find out where filming will take place, I’ll program it into the Pajiba Murdertank GPS, and you folks can do your thing, zombie-Jesus style.

In other sequel news, less depressing, more expected, but in no way welcome, there will be a follow-up to Into the Blue, the preposterous film in which Jessica Alba’s ass hooks up with Paul Walker’s abs. This time around, it will involve a completely different ass and set of abs. Though the abs have not been cast yet, the fleshy backend will be played by Audrina Partridge, human void and star of “The Hills,” the only show on television more dangerous to watch than The Ring’s cursed videotape, as the reality program actually turns your brain into the same chunky substance once ejected from Donovan McNabb’s mouth during a Super Bowl.

And in news that actually matters: Last I checked, AlabamaPink is going home!

Completely unrelated (I hope): Jason Sudeikis, currently my favorite “SNL” cast member besides Amy Poehler, is starring alongside one of my least favorite “SNL” cast members, Will Forte, in what has to be the best movie title of the year, A Good Old Fashioned Orgy, which will almost assuredly be inversely proportional in quality to the killer-ness of its title. In the film, which also stars Leslie Bibb (Iron Man), Sudeikis will play another one of those goddamn stunted adult adolescents who, after learning that his parents are going to sell the summer home in the Hamptoms, decides to have one final send-off, in the form of a party that includes multiple sex partners and an abundance of lubricant. It’ll probably be PG-13, which will mean A Good Old Fashioned Orgy will be completely useless.

How many of you knew that Gore Verbinski (the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy) is producing and set to direct a video-game adaptation of Bioshock? How many of you know what Bioshock is? According to Wikipedia, it’s a first-person shooter about a man named “Jack who aims to fight his way through Rapture, using weapons and plasmids that give him special powers such as telekinesis or the ability to electrocute foes.” Now that you know, how many of you actually give a shit? Maybe Verbinski can bring the same special brand of suck he brought to Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and 3 to the Rapture.

In infinitely more interesting news, Ron Perlman is joining the cast of Bunraku, tapped to play the villain, opposite the hero loner, played by Josh Hartnett (Woody Harrelson, Kevin McKidd, and Demi Moore are also among the cast). And if Pajiba favorites Perlman and McKidd aren’t intriguing enough, get a load of this description: The film is set in an original hyper-stylized universe (think Sin City), and draws from a mixed bag of genres, including puppets, origami, comic books, video games and German expressionism. So, what — it’s like Nosferatu and Doom, as directed by the alien love child of Jim Henson and Stan Lee? Pure Awesome.

And speaking of Sin City, Frank Miller is in negotiations to follow up The Spirit with a big-screen adaptation of the 1979-81 space-cowboy show, “Buck Rogers.” The movie is supposed to maintain the low-budget campiness of the original, which is supposed to be a running joke in the film, written by Flint Dille (who wrote a Buck Rogers graphic novel in the 90s). Suck a fuck.

In the trailer watch, I kind of dig the trailer for The Rocker, starring Rainn Wilson as a failed ’80s drummer who gets a second-chance of fame after he joins his nephew’s prom band. It has all the makings of a terrible Adam Sandler flick, but with Wilson in the lead, it might not be entirely irredeemable:

And finally, here’s the trailer for this summer’s X-Files sequel, I Want to Believe. I have no idea what to think about it, but I do know one thing: I feel very sorry for those of you who don’t have YouTube access at work. Get some:

Suck a F*ck (Pajiba)

The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Industry | May 13, 2008 |

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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