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“I’m Gonna Take You to the Bank … the Blood Bank!”

F**k You and Die, Indeed / Seth Freilich

Trade News | November 25, 2008 | Comments (31)

The man who ruined (*wrecked*) Kelly LeBrock now wants to ruin your TVs. Yup, Steven Seagal himself is jumping into the Reality, as has announced “Steven Seagal: Lawman.” Says Seagal:

I’ve been working as an officer in Jefferson Parish for two decades under most people’s radar. I’ve decided to work with A&E on this series now because I believe it’s important to show the nation all the positive work being accomplished here in Louisiana — to see the passion and commitment that comes from the Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office in this post-Katrina environment.

Five minutes after reading this, I literally took a shit that looked like something out of the era of the Black Plague. I don’t think it was a coincidence.

I’ll leave with this. The trusty internets say that Seagal once said: “I am hoping that I can be known as a great writer and actor some day, rather than a sex symbol.” Well, good sir, at least you’re halfway there.


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Comments

What the EFF? Seriously? When I read Jefferson Parish, I actually googled it to see if there were any others I didn't know about before remembering that every other state has counties and not parishes and WHAT THE EFF? Seriously? Steven Seagal. Has been. (hehe) A police officer. In my parish.
And somehow I didn't know about this? I'm soooo gonna start running red lights and speeding now.

Posted by: jamiepants at November 25, 2008 10:12 AM

I imagine Steven Seagal "working" with local police mostly consists of him standing in front of eye-rolling cops, squinting into the middle distance and saying, "Sheriff (long pause for affect) what can I do to help?" The sheriff then waves him somewhere out of the way and after offering to sign autographs for disinterested cops and teenagers who've never heard of him, Seagal wanders off to hit on a newscaster one-third his age. Twenty minutes later somebody yells, "Goddammit, he ate all the damn donuts again."

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at November 25, 2008 10:23 AM

Be careful, jamie! He'll throw a walrus at you.

Posted by: insertclevernamehere at November 25, 2008 10:23 AM

Holy shit jamiepants that is hilarious! Get on TV! Do it!

Kidnap a puppy, throw a baby down a pipe, light the swamp on fire, do something so we can see Seagal take you down with a neck chop. Take one for the Pajiba team!

Posted by: Snath at November 25, 2008 10:23 AM

This show is so timely and needed...especially since New Orleans was just named the city with highest crime rate. You go, Segal. Keep up the good work.

Posted by: anikitty at November 25, 2008 10:25 AM

Great.

Thanks for that.

You had to go and mentioned Kelly LeBrock, which of course got me curious and thinking, "What is up with Kelly LeBrock these days? She seemed to totally disappear after she married this ass hole. The internet will know. It knows everything!"

So, I say fuck you and fuck Google Images. My lasting image was of Kelly LeBrock at the very end of Weird Science where she showed up at that gym class of dorks clad in that incredible outfit. (That image was especially burned into my mind, because one time I was watching it on cable or on VHS at friend's house some 20+ years ago and when she came out in that outfit my friend's uncle got off the couch, crawled and on his hands and knees to the TV and began licking the screen right where Kelly's belly was. True Story.) That image of Kelly (sans the crazy uncle) was what I always went back to when I thought of her. Until now.

Thanks.

Posted by: ajax19 at November 25, 2008 10:28 AM

Shit jamiepants, you need to threaten baby seals with an ice pick and a gas pump, or some other egregious offense to the environment. That way the cops are sure to send Segal after you.

Posted by: courtney 2 at November 25, 2008 10:29 AM

A sex symbol?

I honestly don't know what to say to that.

Posted by: Sofía at November 25, 2008 10:29 AM

Sofía, you say what is deep in your boobsheart.

"He has finally realized how I and every other woman in the Universe feel about him, secretly. In our boobs. That sexy devil!"

Posted by: Snath at November 25, 2008 10:35 AM

especially since New Orleans was just named the city with highest crime rate.

Hey now, anikitty. There's no reason to throw a baby seal at me when I'm down.

Posted by: jamiepants at November 25, 2008 10:38 AM

I'm just lashing out because Gary, IN didn't get the honors.

Posted by: anikitty at November 25, 2008 10:41 AM

Tracer Bullet FTW.

Posted by: Jerce at November 25, 2008 10:48 AM

I live in one of the safest and most affluent Minneapolis suburbs (I am neither affluent nor particularly safe, myself). It's boring.

Posted by: Snath at November 25, 2008 10:52 AM

Oof. Can we talk about the facial beating that Seagal has apparently taken? He's looking a little Island of Dr. Moreau Brando-y. I think we can all agree that is not a good look.

And, burster of bubbles that I am, jamiepants will prolly have to go baby el chupacabra hunting or something rather than for those cutesy little seals. ;)

Posted by: Lizardqueen at November 25, 2008 10:56 AM

Hey, now, I'd say other celebrities have worked out pretty damn well in law enforcement. Look at all the drug busts and hostage negotiations Shaq played a key role in, how many bank heists he solved, all the killers he put in pri ...

What? They took his badge away cause he made a rap video?

No wonder this country's going to hell.

Posted by: bucdaddy at November 25, 2008 10:59 AM

My college roommate and I mockingly used that "blood bank" quote perhaps far more than it deserved, but the amusement never wore off.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at November 25, 2008 11:09 AM

New Orleans isn't in JP, though, it's in Orleans Parish. He's in the burbs. He's too pretty to come over here.
Wonder where he's been-- Metairie? Wank? I'm curious now.
Jamiepants, I propose we hit the drive-thru daiquiris, and then...let the great experiment BEGIN!!

Posted by: isabelle at November 25, 2008 11:38 AM

Why all the hate? Why the put-downs? Don't any of you know he can turn into a llama? Seriously. I read somewhere that he was a llama in his past life and now, when provoked, he has the power to transform into a crime-fighting llama-being. It's not all that different from when I get provoked and turn into a roaring, whiskey-soaked lush lurching around my ex-girlfriend's back yard without any pants on, despite the temp being in the mid-twenties...

Which is why, today, my wiener is wrapped in a warm washcloth...

Posted by: Skitz at November 25, 2008 11:41 AM

Holy shit! That last sentence had six words that began with the letter "w"... I guess we know who today's comment was brought to us by...

Posted by: Skitz at November 25, 2008 11:43 AM

Oh shit.
http://blog.nola.com/davewalker/2008/11/steven_seagals_secret_life_as.html

"Then, when Seagal goes off-duty, the cameras will continue following him as he pursues his many ventures - including musical performances and philanthropic efforts - in Jefferson Parish and New Orleans."

Great, he thinks he's a musician, too. Well, Jamiepants, our first stop will be Cat's Meow, looks like. Heh.

Posted by: isabelle at November 25, 2008 11:44 AM

Would he even make you pay fines for tickets, or would he just break your elbow when you tried to hand him your license and registration on a traffic stop?

Posted by: branded at November 25, 2008 12:24 PM

You think Cat's? I think he's gonna try to go all smokey-bar and hit up an Uptown/Marigny/Bywater joint. Let me just say, I am pumped.
By the way...I just drove around Metarie with my boss and some drive-thru daiquiris checking every cop car we passed to see if he was driving. Alas, we were denied.

(yeah i know it's before noon...my boss bought it dammit! DON'T JUDGE ME!)

Posted by: jamiepants at November 25, 2008 12:52 PM

He got fug fatface right quick.

Posted by: ph at November 25, 2008 12:57 PM

Jamiepants, c'mon, man, do something big. Do something HUGE! We need this. *I* need this! You're not doing shit exept tagging photos and watching The Hills anyway...

Posted by: Lainey at November 25, 2008 1:02 PM

Another college Steven Seagal story: a bunch of friends and I went to see On Deadly Ground at the theater on its opening weekend. I don't know who chose it; it was just one of those group outings. The theater was probably about three-quarters full.

Anyway, by the end its unintentional humor had us all loudly cracking up at how awful it was, and I think we more or less ruined the viewing experience/somber tone for the rest of the audience.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at November 25, 2008 1:08 PM

laineypants, I think a life of tagging and hills-watching is a fine life to be had.
I'll think of something...but not until the show starts filming, because you KNOW he's not gonna be on the streets until he's televised.

Posted by: jamiepants at November 25, 2008 2:33 PM

Whatever, you guys. I wish I could clone myself so I could watch this shit twice. Almost as much as I wish there was a Seagal/Dog crossover episode.

Posted by: Melodie at November 25, 2008 3:55 PM

I kinda like Seagal, as far ruining LeBrock, she knew god dam well what she was getting herself into. Let me tell you something Freilich, that cunt didn't want for anything, she could have had it all. Whatever role she ever wanted was between her legs. Like most women as soon as a guy says no, they start crying about a guy did them wrong. I went out on a date with this lady one time, we went to the mall to go see a movie. We got there early so we decided to walk through the mall to kill time. We walk into a jewelry store to look around, and as soon as I could blink my eyes, she's all up in my face asking me to buy her a watch for her birthday. I said bitch you've got a watch between your legs, don't be asking me for shit. Don't blame Segal for LeBrock's problem.

Posted by: Pookie at November 25, 2008 9:52 PM

I LOVE STEVEN SEAGAL. The man is amazing. He has the most killer band on the planet, he is the most definitive action star in the world, he has an energy drink that cures cancer and lengthens penises and he's a cop.

I swear if I wasn't a man and totally wasted on peyote I would totally have his babies. FUCK YOU KELLY LEBROCK! YOU STOLE MY MAN!

Posted by: admin at November 25, 2008 11:39 PM

Take it easy admin, I'm not saying LeBrock did everything wrong. I'm just saying that Seagal is a great action movie star and maybe LeBrock tried to hitch her wagon to his and it didn't work out for her. I didn't mean to get you all riled up, look, I think LeBrock was a good actress and some unfortunate things happened to her in Hollywood and maybe Seagal could have done more for her. So let's not dump on LeBrock.

Posted by: Pookie at November 25, 2008 11:49 PM

He still has that mullet bullshit going on?

Posted by: Devo at November 26, 2008 5:09 PM