August 5, 2008 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | August 5, 2008 |


Rant

There is nothing particularly exciting in today’s round-up, aside from typical rumor and conjecture about the prospects of crappy sequels and bad remakes, which is why I lead today with a couple of winners from last night’s Teen Choice Awards, if only to demonstrate to the Pajiba audience what we have to look forward to in our elder years. After all, if our contemporaries are currently shitting out JCPenney ads and a slew of remakes that capitalize on Gen-X nostalgia (failing to recognize that Generation Douchebag has absolutely no interest in our relics), I can only imagine what the youngsters these days will be foisting onto the big screen when they come of age, while we’re shuttling to our children’s college graduations in our garbage-fueled SUVs. Why the worry? Because, among the winners at the awards ceremony (televised last night), one in particular stands out: The award for best drama, which went to Step Up 2: The Streets.

Best drama? Really? Maybe some will see fit to excuse the choice, perhaps blame it on the naiveté of youth. But not I. Nevermind that Step Up 2 was about as fun as cruising The Sonic for STDs in a souped-up El Camino with the bass turned up to 11, but it terrifies me to know that the future of our pop-culture landscape will be left in the hands of a bunch of popped-collar, reality-television obsessed hooligans who can’t even properly categorize a film. That is, of course, if they’re not all killed off while text-messaging and crossing the street at the same time (fingers crossed). Meanwhile, Juno, a teen drama with some comedic elements, was given the award for best comedy. Surely, Juno warranted praise from the twerpies (and Ellen Page was also given the award for best comedic actress), but when you’re deciding which movie goes into which category, maybe it’s best to put the movie about teen pregnancy, adultery, divorce, and coming of age in the drama category, and the movie about bringing a hip-hop flavor to a modern dance school in the shitty film category. It’d also be nice if the tweenies looked up the word “Bromantic” before awarding What Happens in Vegas? the award for best Bromantic Comedy, particularly since it, too, belonged in the shitty film category.

Deals

Oh, and they’re making a Scooby Doo 3, a straight-to-DVD prequel, because there’s nothing like an origins story to spice up your pot-smoking, Mystery Van a-rockin’, bloodshot-eyed crime solving team and their mumbling fucking dog. It goes into production this month, and will probably vie for honors at next year’s Teen Choice Awards for best biopic.

And speaking of bad ideas, Howard Stern — who has already purchased the rights to Porky’s — has hired Alex Winter, aka Bill S. Preston Esquire, to write the script for his remake of The Ramones’ Rock ‘n’ Roll High School. You know, because there are so many bands to choose from when picking a rightful successor to The Ramones, like Fall Out Boy! or Blink 182! because wouldn’t it be fun to see the high school students join up with the oppressive administration and decapitate the poseurs trying to “inspire” the students to rock and roll anarchy! Hey ho! Let’s go! (Note: If Stern chooses the Foo Fighters, all will be forgiven).

Sequels

In sequel news, there’s this: Mike Myers, recognizing that he’s only got a couple more films under his belt before taking up permanent residence as the center square in “Hollywood Squares,” and in guest roles in the defunct “Will & Grace,” has decided to go ahead and start work on Austin Powers 4, because after suffering through a decade of shitty Mike Myers’ accents, what we’re really looking forward to is a return to the shitty Mike Myers’ accent that made him a star! Elsewhere, despite the fact that no one has worked up the energy to go see The X-Files: I Want to Believe (I’m still thinking about it, but I’m thinking about it real hard), Chris Carter has nevertheless suggested that he’d like to do another X-Files movie. And while I’d welcome another installment, I hope that the movie franchise doesn’t ultimately go the way of the last three seasons of the show. In other words, please keep Robert Patrick away. Also: Bring back the inbreeds!

Meanwhile, some guy who knows somebody who once drank coffee with the cousin of a dude who plays a dude disguised as a dude working in the mailroom over at Pixar has mentioned that someone, somewhere thought it might be a good idea, someday, if they get around to it, to make a sequel to Monsters, Inc.. Sounds like confirmation to me! Also, did you know that they are making a sequel to Cars? True story. Comes out in 2012, and while I liked Cars, it and Monsters, Inc. are my least favorite Pixar films. Also, why doesn’t Pixar include more nude scenes in its films? Seems like an easy way to make more money.

Finally, studios have gotten bored with making quality comic-book films, so the cash-in onslaught is set to begin. First up: Looks like Venom is gonna get his own spin-off. Because who doesn’t want to see an entire movie without Spider-Man that revolves around Spider-Man’s archenemy. Also, who doesn’t want to see a summer blockbuster featuring two full hours of Topher Grace!

Trailer Watch

Sometimes, when there’s a particularly bad week for industry news, where I have to work to find something that’s still not particularly worth writing about (see, Austin Powers 4), I like to share the pain, even if that means showing you a trailer you’ve already seen. I hope you’ll watch it anyway. We’re all in this together, you know?

I’m not sure what to think of the trailer for Rachel Getting Married. First of all, as much as I dig her, Anne Hathaway doesn’t strike me as the type who can play trashy bad girl. And Jonathan Demme isn’t exactly the kind of director I can accept slumming it indie style. But then again, it’s got all that pretentious hipster bullshit that I’m contractually obligated to love (and do!), so I’m kind of looking forward to watching it at the art theater with a bag of popcorn sprinkled with Brewer’s Yeast. That’s just how I roll.

Of course, when I’m not being a pretentious douchebag hipster, I like to pretend that, when I was younger, I was cool enough to listen to Motorhead. The truth: I had a couple of tapes, but they were mostly for show when the stoner chicks came round (note: No stoner chicks ever came round). I found Jon Bon Jovi’s lyrics a little more accessible … and coherent (I also had my pick among the NKOTB chicks). So, yeah: I’m just going to have to pretend that I’m really excited about Lemmy: The Movie, a documentary about , er … Lemmy. And, at four minutes and 15 seconds, I’m not sure this trailer isn’t the entire movie. Hooray for double negatives!

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Step Up 3: Pajiba Chokes a Teenager

The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | August 5, 2008 | Comments ()



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