Statham Signs on to The Mechanic

How Statham is Like the Kevin Smith of Action Movies

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (47)

Stick with me here: Jason Statham, I believe, is like the Kevin Smith of action movies. You either love him or you hate him. He’s got a rabid, passionate fanbase that will see anything he’s in, but it’s also limited. His movies tend to top out on the $30 - $35 million range (unless he’s part of an ensemble), but they also double their box-office grosses on DVD. He also appeals to a very specific audience, though I couldn’t tell you who that audience is comprised of — aside from a few writers on this site, I’m not sure I’ve ever met anyone who is a huge Statham fan. And to be honest, I’m not sure I’d want to. All I’m saying is this: If Kevin Smith and Jason Statham made a movie together, they could combine their audiences and have a $60 million hit on their hands. Jay and Statham Fuck a Guy with a Shotgun.

Where am I going with this? Oh yeah. Despite the less than mediocre performance of Crank High Voltage (which performed even worse than Smith’s latest, Zack and MIri), Statham clearly isn’t hard up for parts. He’s got four projects in the works (and lucky for him, three of them are ensembles, including a sequel to The Italian Job). The fourth: He’s just signed on to The Mechanic, which is a remake of a Charles Bronson flick. It’s about an older hitman who takes a younger hitman under his wing. Presumably, they hitman stuff together.

The Mechanic will be directed by Simon West, who is responsible for a whole lotta shit, including Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, When a Stranger Calls, and The General’s Daugther. iMDB also says that he was the director of Con Air, but I absolutely refuse to believe that Michael Bay didn’t direct Con Air.

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Dustin, could Michael Bay have directed a scene of such emotional complexity as the one where Steve Buscemi nearly molests a little girl and then - oh, suspense! - finally doesn't?

The answer is yes he could. Perhaps he did direct Con Air after all.

Posted by: Caspar at April 22, 2009 9:51 AM

Presumably, they hitman stuff together.

First use of hitman as a verb? Good show.

Posted by: twig at April 22, 2009 9:56 AM

Because some people need it....

Lainey, I want to be inside you.

SoD, you're stupid. You are the old man. The vacancy you're feeling is nothing but the absence of a heart.

Sofi, why would you keep something so wonderful as a rubber dick in your closet? Whip that shit out! OWN IT!

ANNA! VON! BEAVER! PLATZ!

Meaux Meaux Meaux Mo Banana Fanna Fo Fo, Meaux Meaux Meaux Mo...Meaux-oh

jM, suck Sofi's rubber dick. Your mom's organic.

(I'm a little wacky this morning. They may take our Pajiba, but they'll never take our ability to DRINK FREEDOM!!!)

Commence the sexual banter, fools...

Posted by: jamiepants at April 22, 2009 10:00 AM

Oh, and I love the idea of hitman as a verb. I think I'm gonna hitman some bitches up now. Or maybe...I think I'm gonna go hitwoman some shit up. Huh?? Huh?? Touche.

Posted by: jamiepants at April 22, 2009 10:03 AM

Presumably, they hitman stuff together.

Was there a missing space? Then it would have been "they hit man stuff together", making it a much different movie.

Posted by: mswas at April 22, 2009 10:03 AM

wow. jamiepants, I think I just fell a little bit in love with you.

Posted by: lizzieborden at April 22, 2009 10:07 AM

Don't think it, lizzieb, know it.

JAMIE! PANTS! You light my candle, woman. Let's go hitperson some shit up, together.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at April 22, 2009 10:20 AM

Lainey, I want to be inside you.
---
Install air conditioning first.

Trust me on this.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at April 22, 2009 10:24 AM

Did I miss something?

Posted by: Jay at April 22, 2009 10:29 AM

What. The. Hell?

Also, will Statham be the younger or the older hitman? The answer will affect my views of said film.

Posted by: JakesAlterEgo at April 22, 2009 10:49 AM

Laineypants don't need no airconditioning. She's naturally cool...

AvB, can we take lizzie hitpersoning with us? I have a feeling her axe may come in handy. Did I just spell axe like the body spray? WAIT? They're both spelled the same way? My head just asploded.

I love you, too, Jay.

Posted by: jamiepants at April 22, 2009 10:58 AM

Hitman as a verb...this is too awesome. I can't wait until I one day have kids and teach them to hitman/woman/person things. It will be a proud day.

Posted by: Doctor Controversy at April 22, 2009 11:01 AM

Hitman is the new butthole.

Hitman
Hitman
Hitman
Hitman
Hitman
Hitman
Hitman

Posted by: stardust savant at April 22, 2009 11:05 AM

Did I miss something?

Me too. Did we sleep late?

I don't know how the original holds up after all this time, but I do remember enjoying it long ago.

Posted by: Cindy at April 22, 2009 11:34 AM

I'm just trying to cheer up a few Pajibans. That's all. You missed nothing; go about your daily biz.

Wait, I just reread this, and MICHAEL BAY DIDN'T DIRECT CON-AIR?? Brain asplode for the second time today.

Posted by: jamiepants at April 22, 2009 12:15 PM

(Cindy, Jay, it's generally best to just go with it in these situations.)

jamiepants, AvB, myself and my axe would be honored to go hitpersoning with you. We would be a fine, merry band of axe-hitpersoning women, would we not?

Posted by: lizzieborden at April 22, 2009 12:16 PM

We would be a fine, merry band of axe-hitpersoning women, would we not?

We would be GLORIOUS.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at April 22, 2009 12:23 PM

This is all too much weird to read before having coffee.

And, really, I'm still baffled as to how Turkish managed to become the next Schwarzenegger.

Posted by: figgy at April 22, 2009 12:25 PM

Let's make it happen. I could do with some bloody vengeance and hitpersoning this week. Yanno, just cuz.

Posted by: lizzieborden at April 22, 2009 12:26 PM

If it's cheering up we need, start posting the shirtless men pics. figgy can likely help.

Posted by: Cindy at April 22, 2009 12:27 PM

Maybe I'll do an all-Statham edition...

Posted by: figgy at April 22, 2009 12:44 PM

Quick!

Posted by: Cindy at April 22, 2009 12:45 PM

I'm on it.

*dons superhero hat*

Posted by: figgy at April 22, 2009 12:53 PM

Find your own Imaginary Internet Girlfriend, jamiepants. Miss Lainey is currently spoken for. Unless there would be pictures, then I have absolutely no issues with whatever tryst you may be planning.

Oh, if you lovely ladies are goin' a hitpersoning, make sure to swing through the north. I've got a few lined up for you.

Posted by: admin at April 22, 2009 12:53 PM

Salivating...

Posted by: Cindy at April 22, 2009 12:59 PM

I'm not a huge Jason Statham fanboy but I do consider his presense in a movie a plus which will make me more likely to see a film. Where actors like Seth Rogan and Philip Seymour Hoffman are negatives and who might keep me away. And yeah I freely admit PSH is a great actor, I just don't like the guy.

Posted by: EricD at April 22, 2009 1:00 PM

Done and DONE.

Clickety-click on my name for lots of hitman shirtlessness.

Because I care about our collective sanity.

Posted by: figgy at April 22, 2009 1:03 PM

OhGodohGodohGod. Statham starring in The Mechanic. A dream I never even knew I had has come true today.

Statham! Yell it while you're fucking!

Posted by: Jerce at April 22, 2009 1:09 PM

figgy, you have my undying love. You've improved not just my day, but also my boss's.

that last picture? the one of himself hanging from whatever it is? yeah, that's my background for the rest of the afternoon.

Posted by: lizzieborden at April 22, 2009 1:14 PM

Statham! Yell it while you're fucking!

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I'm so saving that.

Lizzie, you are most welcome. I needed it, too!

Posted by: figgy at April 22, 2009 1:16 PM

New Seuss title: Oh the things I would let him do to me!

Thank you Miss figgy.

Posted by: Cindy at April 22, 2009 1:28 PM

I have only two words: Fan. Tastic.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at April 22, 2009 1:33 PM

A sequel to The Italian Job? Bullshit. Part of the fun is not knowing what happened to Michael Caine & Co.

Posted by: Lucas at April 22, 2009 1:34 PM

Holy crap! I just came from the most shitballs retarded meeting ever and this is what I find? You've all lost your damn minds.

jamiepants, *plug your ears, Nicole* my panties are kind of moist now! We are SOO getting drunk and making out! You complete me.

IIB, is video ok?

Sign me up for hitmanning and other assorted hijinks. I stole the FREEDOM MUG from my co-worker. It is ON, motherfuckers!

Posted by: Lainey at April 22, 2009 2:00 PM

Oh Figgy... I adore you.

I want to have the Statham's babies and I'm a committed non-breeder.

Posted by: Kelly at April 22, 2009 2:47 PM

Whatever, admin, my name's written all over her heart.

figgy, you are figgilicious.

Posted by: jamiepants at April 22, 2009 2:51 PM

I'M DRINKING FREEDOM!!!

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at April 22, 2009 3:07 PM

Girls, please tell me freedom does not taste like old Republican se(a)men. I think we've all had about enough of that.

Posted by: Cindy at April 22, 2009 3:13 PM

FREEDOM TASTES LIKE AMERICA!!

And a little like gin.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at April 22, 2009 3:18 PM

I am one of those people who sees Jason Statham's movies. I have no shame. I believe I actually paid money to see Revolver and Death Race. In fact, the only reason I didn't go see that one about the dungeon siege or whatever is that I don't think it played long enough anywhere to give me a chance.

I am getting the distinct impression that despite his chosen genre, the majority of people seeing his films are NOT in fact the testosterone-fueled teenage boys targeted by the poorly-constructed plots and rampant explosions, but rather hormone-crazed women lusting for a glimpse of shirtless Statham.

Posted by: Siege at April 22, 2009 3:25 PM

And a little like gin.

Pass the cup, please.

Posted by: Cindy at April 22, 2009 3:29 PM

I like the Statham. I find him funny. I say BooBerry, you say Frankenberry. I like my mens to do some stuff, instead of standing around yabbering.

Lookit. The bait lay there untouched.

Posted by: Stacy D at April 22, 2009 4:02 PM

Haha, my brain somehow misread the title as "Calvin Klein" as opposed to "Kevin Smith" and given the man's penchant for sharp suits, Audi's and shirtless abs, I had to agree.

I would buy the Essence of Statham Cologne, which of course turns you into an indestructible, ass-kicking sex panther.

Posted by: boyuc at April 22, 2009 4:23 PM

Mmmm, The Statham has made my shitty day less gray. Actually, my mother is Jamaican, jamiepants. And I make no apologies. I speak the truth, you know, when my mouth isn't filled with Sofi's rubber dick.

Posted by: jM at April 22, 2009 4:50 PM

Good point. There were a lot of explosions in Con Air. Glory be to thee, Pyrotechnomania.

Posted by: cuatro at April 22, 2009 6:32 PM

boyuc, the only difference between this sex panther and that other knockoff version is that this one works ALL the time. cue sexy 70s music

Posted by: Cuatro at April 22, 2009 6:41 PM

That's Ok jamiepants I'm not after her hart.

Posted by: admin at April 22, 2009 9:14 PM

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How Statham is Like the Kevin Smith of Action Movies

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