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June 14, 2007 |

By Daniel Carlson | Industry | June 14, 2007 |

Space Chimps.

I’ve been staring blankly at the screen of my trusty iBook, slack-jawed, gazing into its glossy depths in the hopes that some kind of inspiration will strike me, that perhaps some act of divine intervention will give me the skill, the words, the wherewithal to come before and explain away the latest in a series of frighteningly horrid concepts in modern filmmaking: Space Chimps. But nothing I can say would compare to whatever weird image pops unwanted into your mind when reading that title, which (a) I guess is kind of the point of the title, but (b) is also really horrible. That title flat out overrides conscious will and thought until it burrows into your brain like that thing Khan stuck in Chekhov’s ear, and it controls you until you can’t see straight. Space Chimps. Chimps in space. Why are they in space? Do they have personalities? Are they going on adventures? How did they get into space? Did we put them there? Why is someone making a movie about them? Will my landlady notice the stench of my corpse when I inevitably die from beating my head against the wall?

I swear, I had a whole bit worked out — well, a couple jokes, anyway — about how Space Chimps sounds superficially similar to “Laser Cats,” the tongue-in-cheek-but-still-not-that-funny series of digital shorts that Andy Samberg occasionally makes on “Saturday Night Live.” This would have made sense, because Samberg is one of the actors voicing a character in Space Chimps, a CG-animated comedy being produced by Vanguard Animation, Starz Media, and Barry Sonnenfeld. Yes, that Barry Sonnenfeld. Samberg will voice a chimp named Ham III, the grandson of Ham, an actual chimp blasted into space by NASA a few decades ago. Ham III is — I kid you not — recruited by a senator to travel through a black hole so that he can — again, I kid you not — fight aliens led by Jeff Daniels. These insanities stack upon each other and stand before me, a towering monument to everything I will spend my life fighting, but there’s one more thing: The film’s music is being handled by Blue Man Group and the Eurythmics’ Dave Stewart.

Blue Man Group. Eurythmics. Jeff Daniels. Aliens. Samberg.

Space Chimps. … Do with that what you will.

Well, in this week’s edition of Hollywood shamelessly raping the memories of children of the 1980s: Following news that “He-Man” and “Thundercats” will be adapted for the big screen (and, who knows, probably “Dino-Riders”), the old-school Nintendo game Castlevania is being turned into a film. Sylvain White, best known/disliked for helming Stomp the Yard, will direct the film written by Paul W.S. Anderson. White, it was mentioned a while back, is also directing the adaptation of Frank Miller’s Ronin, so at least he’s still pillaging the ’80s for material. Anderson wrote Resident Evil and directed Mortal Kombat, which all but assures that Castlevania will be aimed at the lowest common denominator among 13-year-olds, then subsequently dumbed down by the studio until it’s all but unwatchable. It’s enough to make me want to strangle myself with that guy’s whip.

Finally this morning, it’s Thursday, so it’s time once again for Lindsay Lohan stripping. The trailer for her upcoming thriller I Know Who Killed Me howls — howls — to be screened late at night on Lifetime. Or Cinemax. The trailer’s brevity still can’t hide Lohan’s inability to deliver a line with anything other than the wooden and defensive tone with which she bites off those clever little snaps she delivers to reporters. And I won’t even comment on the self-reflexive sadness of seeing her work the pole. Anyway, take a gander:

Daniel Carlson is the managing editor of Pajiba and a low-level employee at a Hollywood industry magazine. You can visit his blog, Slowly Going Bald.

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