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Here Come the Smurfs / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | June 29, 2009 | Comments (36)

This isn’t new news, so much as it’s a simple reminder. It’s going to be that kind of week — all the Hollywood producers are at their beach houses with their mistresses ahead of Independence Day, so we’re left with trade crumbs. Todays crumb: There’s an official release date now for the Smurf’s Movie. December 17, 2010. Mark it on your calendars.

As you may recall when we first made the announcement, the Smurfs movie will be live action, on account of the success of Alvin and the Chipmunks (and keep a lookout for its Squeequel this Christmas). And since Gargamel was the only human, as I recall, in the cartoon, then he’ll be the only major cast member. I like Jackie Earle Haley for the role, if only to see traumatized toddlers. Nothing is known about the storyline, but with only one female Smurf and 100 male smurfs, I’m hoping for something dystopic, along the lines of Children to Men, only with considerably more violence. In fact, I understand that Eli Roth is trying to branch out into other genres — he’d be perfect for this movie. And maybe Beavis and Butthead could have a cameo where they stick Smurfs in toy cars with firecrackers. And we could finally learn the real origins behind Handy Smurf.

Like I said: It’s a slow week.


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Comments

Ugh. Ugh.

Posted by: Snath at June 29, 2009 11:35 AM

SMURF! this is ALL sorts of smurfed-up.

This thing is gonna smurf, hard.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at June 29, 2009 11:43 AM

That's smurfing smurfed, right there.

Posted by: Skitz at June 29, 2009 11:44 AM

I don't understand the world we live in sometimes.

Posted by: Sharon at June 29, 2009 11:46 AM

I have it on good authority that Smurfette is a complete cocktease and that the color of the male Smurfs' skin is concurrent to the state of their balls.

Why don't I remember hearing about this movie? Call me when they do a live action Popples. I would love to see David Cross rolling around the floor with his head tucked in his ass.

Posted by: Julie at June 29, 2009 11:48 AM

This thread has major smurfing potential, so if any of the ladies wanna get smurfy, I'm down for a good smurf.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at June 29, 2009 11:49 AM

Smurf me gently with a chainsaw.

Richie, would you do me a favor and eat my smurf for me... please?.

Posted by: badalamenti at June 29, 2009 11:56 AM

Smurf me, that's all kind of smurfed up :-(

Anyway, I always thought smurf-language was just so smurf. You can smurf any smurf with smurf, and still you would more or less smurf the smurf of what I am smurfing.

...To smurf or not to smurf, that is the smurf!

Posted by: Gnaius at June 29, 2009 12:02 PM

Smurf that noise. Smurf it right in the smurf.

Posted by: Rykker at June 29, 2009 12:03 PM

Is "smurf" a noun, a verb, an adjective, or a adverb? All of the above? Beyond grammar? Isn't German?

Posted by: BWeaves at June 29, 2009 12:05 PM

BWeaves, "smurf" is a versatile word that can play all those linguistic roles. It's kind of like "fuck" for the pre-school crowd...

Posted by: Che Grovera at June 29, 2009 12:13 PM

Kill me when they do a live action version of the Snorks

Posted by: Brainy at June 29, 2009 12:15 PM

Oh, great. Now I'll be humming that SMURFING theme song all day. Thanks a lot, Pajiba.

Posted by: True_Blue at June 29, 2009 12:22 PM

Che: I nominate you for an EE this week. If only you'd have worked a Muppet into that sentence, you'd have won hand's down.

Posted by: BWeaves at June 29, 2009 12:25 PM

I hear that Smurfett gives good smurf. Also, she likes it when the male Smurfs all line up and run a smurf on her smurf. Pappa smurf, being the eldest smurf, get's the position of honour wherein he can stick it right in her smurf. It's rumoured that these smurfigys also employ smurfy punches, snowsmurfs, rusty smurfbones, smurf-stained smurfs and the occasional bluekake.

True story.

Posted by: admin at June 29, 2009 12:32 PM

I just blue myself over "bluekake", admin. Thanks a lot.

Posted by: Che Grovera at June 29, 2009 12:38 PM

It's kind of like "fuck" for the pre-school crowd...

"Fuck" is the "fuck" for the pre-school crowd. At least in my house.

We're trying to potty train my two-year-old. Yesterday she was on the potty, and this is the conversation between my her and my wife:

Daughter: "Get outta here Mommy! I'm going potty!"
Wife: "Fine, I don't have to stay. Come get me when you're done, sassy girl."
Daughter: "Whatever, you're fucking dirt anyway."
Wife: "What did you say?!"
Daughter: "Sorry Mommy. I'm a good girl."

You're fucking dirt anyway. My two-year-old child actually said this, no lie. She says bad stuff all the time (we're not exactly conservative in the language we use), but nothing as bad as that.

Usually it's just something like "Where's my damn ice cream?!" (yelled to the carhop at Sonic) or "Stupid ass dog!" (to our stupid ass dog).

She's going to be a shining influence to our son.

And for the record, yes, she does get time-outs for using bad language. She can use it privately all she wants but I have no desire to be called into the teacher's office at some point.

Posted by: Snath at June 29, 2009 12:39 PM

Two words: Smurf. Gangbang.

Curiously, the word "jawn" is used Philadelphia in a similar way as "smurf." Jawn can replace any noun you can think of. Really, it's possible to recap one's entire day using little more than "jawn" and the occasional verb.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 29, 2009 12:39 PM

I can't take the credit for that term Che, it was coined by another. Unfortunately I cannot remember whom. Bluekake will do that to you.

Snath, your daughter is kick-ass!

Posted by: admin at June 29, 2009 12:49 PM

"you're fucking dirt anyway" is my new favourite sentence EVER.

Snath, your daughter is a comic genius.

Posted by: mex at June 29, 2009 1:02 PM

Don't let her fool you, she's pure evil sometimes.

Posted by: Snath at June 29, 2009 1:13 PM

Since they're ruining childhood memories why not go ahead and make a live action Ninja Turtles...Garfield...Alvin and the Chipmunks...Transformers...G.I. Joe...He-Man...X-Men...Smurfs...Dragonball...Scooby Doo...Inspector Gadget...Super Mario Brothers...wait...shit. Guess they are just trying to ruin my childhood, what's next? Freakazoid? Maybe a little Pinky and the Brain? How about you just f-my-life and do a live action Looney Tunes and you can have it star a basketball player named Michael Jordan, you could call it Space Jam...wait...FUCK!!

Posted by: DeistBrawler at June 29, 2009 1:15 PM

Well if this doesn't smurf my mothersmurfin day! What's next? The littles?

Posted by: Cletus T Jew at June 29, 2009 1:24 PM

Get David Fincher to direct, call it Sm7rf, and have it be about the ritualistic killings of the seven deadly Smurfs. The cast is all laid out:
Smurfette (Lust), Greedy (Greed and Gluttony), Lazy (Sloth), Jokey (Wrath), Nosy (Envy), and Brainy (Pride)

The final climactic scene features Papa Smurf, gun pointed at Jokey's head screaming, "What's in the smuuuuuurf? What's in the smurfing smurf?"

Posted by: branded at June 29, 2009 1:25 PM

Baby Snath for EE!

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 29, 2009 1:26 PM

Donkey Punch II: Donkey Smurf


Sorry Che, I'm revoking my EE nomination in favor of Baby Snath's "You're fucking dirt anyway."

Posted by: BWeaves at June 29, 2009 2:03 PM

I'd tell her you guys are showing her some love, but she'd probably tell me to fuck off.

Posted by: Snath at June 29, 2009 2:06 PM

Ahh, the Smurfs. They were the Marklars of an earlier, more innocent generation.

Hip-Hop Smurf can bridge these two generations: "Yo, marklarsmurfers, git yer smurfin' marklar the smurf over here an' marklar my smurf, yo?"

Posted by: The Wanderer at June 29, 2009 2:39 PM

Only seems natural Blue Man Group should be in this somewhere ...

Smurfette has a smuff, doesn't she?

When I was little I called my younger sister a prick, because it was one of my grandfather's favorite words. I think I got my mouth washed out with soap. Yes, moms actually did that back before they could go to jail for it.

She wouldn't beLIEVE what I say now.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 29, 2009 2:42 PM

Squeequel

STABBITY-STAB-STAB-STAB

You know, I'm actually not angry about a Smurfs movie. It could be good. Probably WON'T be, but...you know, it's just the Smurfs.

Posted by: figgy at June 29, 2009 3:25 PM

When I was little I called my younger sister a prick, because it was one of my grandfather's favorite words. I think I got my mouth washed out with soap. Yes, moms actually did that back before they could go to jail for it.

This might sound horrible but I used to get my mouth washed out a lot. So to combat that I began brushing my teeth with soap while I was taking a bath to build up a tolerance to the taste. My mom always wondered why my sister would cry and throw a tantrum and I would just sit there and look at her.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at June 29, 2009 4:16 PM

*still giggling over Julie's Popple movie*

Posted by: meaux at June 29, 2009 7:05 PM

I loved the smurfs so much as a child that I actually had a Smurfette shaped pillow that my mother made for me.

Dare I say, I believe Hollywood is about to crush yet another of my innocent childhood memories with its mindlessly relentless soul crushing evil fist of doom.

Posted by: redhead at June 29, 2009 8:08 PM

There's a band called Tripod who challenge have a one-hour challenge to write a song about a collection of random things the audience members provide them with. Prostitutes, floor buffing, smurfs and a guy who had the same name as his gay flatmate became
'The ballad of Floor Buffer Smurf'.

But Lady Smurf has decided to charge.
She's so in demand that she's charging a fee,
She's so busy smurfin', there's no time for me.

Click on the link if you're interested in the full transcript.

Posted by: ScienceGeek at June 29, 2009 8:57 PM

Smurfette doesn't smurf actually smurfs, you know. I have it on good authority that she's a freak. Rick James "Superfreak" yo.

Posted by: Melody at June 29, 2009 9:31 PM

Snath, our daughters are destined to be cellmates.

Just this morning I got:

"Hurry up with the fucking oatmeal, I'm hungry".

The boy, two years younger, sticks to "Jesus Christ I pooped" when he needs a diaper change.

So much for Mother of the Year...

Posted by: courtney at June 30, 2009 9:28 AM