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Are You Crazy? Those Guys Are Retards!

The Body Ain’t Even Cold Yet / TK

Trade News | February 4, 2009 | Comments (38)

I know, I know. You’re tired of hearing me rail about remakes. But you know what? For the most part — when it’s not a bona fide classic, I don’t really mind all that much. There are a plethora of weak sauce movies that, to be perfectly honest, could probably use a good remaking.

But noooo…

Instead, someone is doing something that is near-unfathomable to me. Remaking one of the top ten best sports movies of all time. One of the best satires of all time. Something that starred one of the finest actors in the history of acting. Yeah. Universal Studios is remaking the 1977 classic, Slap Shot. It’s being directed by Dean Parisot. Now, the good news is that Parisot directed the clever and quite entertaining Galaxy Quest. The bad news is that he also directed Fun With Dick And Jane and Home Fries. That’s up there with, “Congratulations! You don’t have herpes! But you do have dick cancer. Sorry, dude.”

Parisot’s resume is hardly the issue, though. The issue is — how do you remake Paul Newman? Paul fucking Newman, people. He’s a legend. When he died last year, writers and commenters alike showed up to pay their respects to his body of work, both in film and in philanthropy. In the simplest of terms, he was The Man. Slap Shot was riotously funny, and while there was a hideous “sequel” released in 2002, at least they didn’t attempt a remake. Just when we thought it was safe…

Ah, Hollywood… you’re really outdoing yourself this time. You fuckers.









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Comments

No. Just....no. NO, I tell you. That movie was....perfection. Fucking hilarious, Paul Newman was funny and sad and sexy and fantastic. Michael Ontkean hadn't done "Making Love" yet, Lindsay Crouse was a scream...."what's the story with that dog? Oh, he saved the whole town. Well, FUCK HIM!"

Oh, Christ, seriously, this is the kind of thing that makes the baby Godtopus weep. Please, just ...don't. If you can't have respect for the awesomeness of Paul Newman, who should be canonized, have some respect for the sanctity of this movie. Or the Hanson's AND Ogie Oglethorpe WILL BE SICCED ON YOUR ASSES!!!

I'M TRYING TO LISTEN TO THE FUCKIN' SONG!!!

Posted by: dammitjanet at February 4, 2009 11:39 AM

I'm crying. Right now.

Posted by: courtney 2 at February 4, 2009 11:41 AM

This movie is unremakable. It was gritty and realistic and awesome because it was the real players that the writer hung out with (she was the sister of Ned Dowd, the guy who played Oglethorpe and now produces Hollywood movies) acting out the story she had written about them the year before based on their experiences. Minor league hockey isn't the same anymore. The story is still there, but the people to act it out aren't. There aren't characters like that anymore, the people playing the game are professionals now in uniformly great shape, serious about their craft and the wildest of the bunch occasionally let a quote slip that implies that they aren't happy with their team or someone else. Can't be done. You can't remake this movie well.

Posted by: Eep at February 4, 2009 11:45 AM

More fun Slap Shot facts:

Nancy Dowd was also part of writing North Dallas Forty.

Bob Costas spoke at a father-son dinner for my high school and told about how he covered the league that Slap Shot was based on and actually met some of the characters involved, notably one Bill "Harpo" Goldthorpe (guess which character was based on him). So Costas is riding on the bus with Goldthorpe's team, and had written something about Goldthorpe that he didn't like. Costas is reading a paper and Goldthorpe, having simmered and stared enough daggers at him, gets up and tears the paper out of Costas' hands. Costas looks up and says "Don't be angry, Goldie, I'll teach you how to read." At which point Goldthorpe picks Costas up by his neck and pins him to the wall, then grabs an inexplicably handy hacksaw and holds it to his neck. The story was light on denouement, but I think his teammates talked him down or something.

Posted by: Eep at February 4, 2009 11:51 AM

and the wildest of the bunch occasionally let a quote slip that implies that they aren't happy with their team or someone else.

And then said professional is immediately suspended for six games, kicked off his team, sent to "anger management" therapy and never heard from again. Ever.

This is horrible, this idea.

Posted by: Forbiddendonut at February 4, 2009 11:53 AM

Remaking Slap Shot is sacrilegious but even more pointless. There is no way you recreate that cast and vibe.

But my guess is this opens the floodgates on remakes of all Newman movies "to honor him". The countdown to The Sting and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid remakes starts.....now.

And expect this too...Batshit Crazy Cruise remaking The Color of Money with himself in the Fast Eddie role, while Will Smith remakes The Hustler with his kid in the Fast Eddie role. They'll release them simultaneously.

Posted by: ed newman at February 4, 2009 11:57 AM

Jesus, Newman... see a fucking doctor, would you? It's not healthy to have thoughts like that.

Posted by: TK at February 4, 2009 12:06 PM

Fuck-a-doodle-doo.

Posted by: Rykker at February 4, 2009 12:07 PM

I heard about this a couple of days ago so I would like to thank TK for bringing it to our attention and giving me a chance to rant. One addition though, there is actually a Slap Shot 3, that being said:


My Pajiban freinds, it is time to put on the foil.

Posted by: admin at February 4, 2009 12:08 PM

My fellow Pajibans, it is time to fire up the MurderTank and this sucker...

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ecMcf3B-ZR4/SEOiCXYG6iI/AAAAAAAABKI/9aVvcsE6bSY/s320/Death%2BRace%2BDreadnought.jpg

because, in the immortal words of Reggie Dunlop: Jesus Christ, what a friggin' nightmare...

Posted by: dammitjanet at February 4, 2009 12:13 PM

But has Dickie Dunn said if this remake is a go? Because we all know if Dickie Dunn says it, it must be true.

Posted by: Gus at February 4, 2009 12:17 PM

Dear God. This is awful.

This is seriously the only sports movie that I can watch without vomiting because it's the only one that tells it like it is: miracles don't happen, so you just have to tough it out and make shit work the best way you know how.

Fuck this remake. Fuck it in its excessively hairy, skin tag riddled, improperly wiped asshole with a rusty Pear of Anguish (look it up if you don't know what it is. Or better yet, don't. It's pretty nightmare fuely.).

Posted by: Eric L. at February 4, 2009 12:17 PM

I knew Dick Cheney wouldn't leave office without leaving some horrible final fuck to the sensibility of the world.

Posted by: PaddyDog at February 4, 2009 12:19 PM

One word:

Boycott.

Posted by: Jerce at February 4, 2009 12:27 PM

My fellow Pajibans, it is time to fire up the MurderTank and this sucker...

This once, as a sort of homage, could we wrap it in foil, weld skate blades to the sides and hang a jock (prefferably used)from the Whiskey Baby Ninja Star hood ornament. That would be poetic.

P.S. PaddyDog you're my new hero.

Posted by: admin at February 4, 2009 12:35 PM

I just heard they're going to remake Bridge Over the River Kwai with Shia The Beef and Vin Diesel with a cameo by Tom Cruise

Posted by: Protoguy at February 4, 2009 12:39 PM

"But my guess is this opens the floodgates on remakes of all Newman movies 'to honor him'."

Gasp!

*runs to toolshed, grabs MurderPipecutter*

I will behead the producer(s) who even LOOKS at "Cool Hand Luke," exactly the way Luke beheaded parking meters.

Slowly.

Posted by: bucdaddy at February 4, 2009 12:41 PM

Can't be done. You can't remake this movie well.

To be clear, this remake would be horrible because the current minor league hockey system lacks the personalities/characters that inspired the original?

That's like objecting to the remake of The Longest Yard because there's no way a current NFL quarterback/celebrity could get sentenced to serve time in pris...

Posted by: branded at February 4, 2009 12:41 PM

I don't Hollywood. Why do they want to keep trying to re-make good movies? Why don't they take shitty movies that might have had a good premise and re-make those into better movies?

Posted by: wsapnin at February 4, 2009 12:51 PM

Better yet, wsapnin, how about Hollywood have some motherfucking original ideas for a change? Holy shit on rye toast, it can't be that goddamned hard for these wastrels to actually think of something ...

Posted by: The Wanderer at February 4, 2009 12:57 PM

admin my welding tools are at your disposal.

I will expect you all in my garage tonite at 6:45 to begin planning the assault.

Posted by: dammitjanet at February 4, 2009 1:01 PM

Amen The Wanderer! I know that there are creative, witty, and smart people out there in the world, because I read their posts and comments daily on Pajiba.

Hmm, now how to get these people to take over Hollywood from the idiots now in charge...

Oh Skittiums, this clearly is a job for the MurderTank™

Posted by: tamatha at February 4, 2009 1:03 PM

Can we just get a movie ABOUT the Murdertank? How it started as a little assault trike and worked it's way up through the ranks, maiming and killing the deserving until it achieved the title it proudly holds today. Also there should be nudity.

Posted by: MrCreosote at February 4, 2009 1:12 PM

Protoguy, please tell me you're joking... Sadly, I can't tell because it sounds like the kind of thing some studio moron would actually do.

Posted by: Aslana at February 4, 2009 1:13 PM

This news makes mw wish that I could ejaculate fire... deep into the colon of the mindless, greedy Hollywood asshat who greenlighted this ill-fated, piece of crap remake.

Posted by: Spender at February 4, 2009 1:20 PM

TK, I'm shocked that you're shocked that Hollywood is about to ass fuck "Slap Shot," I mean really? What was it in Hollywood's long glorious history that gave you the impression that "Slap Shot" was above gettin' fucked?

Posted by: Pookie at February 4, 2009 1:31 PM

Comment Diversion suggestion:

Movies that will be remade ONLY at the extreme personal health risk of the cocksuckers who decide to take them on: i.e. Slap Shot

discuss.

Posted by: dammitjanet at February 4, 2009 1:50 PM

while I'm horrified by the thought. I'm not all that shocked.

The only suprise for me is that it's not the asshats at Happy Madison.

people suck

Posted by: LwoodPDowd at February 4, 2009 1:54 PM

I bet Costner is at the top of the list for Dunlop.

Posted by: richmac at February 4, 2009 2:29 PM

Maybe with California running out of money, there won't be any left to make this movie... Hooray for recession!

Posted by: Odnon at February 4, 2009 2:30 PM

Or maybe if they cast Christian Bale as one of the Hanson Brothers? Just a thought.

Posted by: Odnon at February 4, 2009 2:33 PM

Maybe with California running out of money, there won't be any left to make this movie... Hooray for recession!

Or maybe California will just slip quietly into the Pacific saving us all alot more grief. Come on people, take one for the team!

Posted by: admin at February 4, 2009 2:49 PM

Nightmare cast:

Kevin Costner ... Reggie 'Reg' Dunlop
Charles Durning... Joe McGrath
Ben Affleck ... Ned Braden
Renee Zellweger ... Francine Dunlop
Rainbow Killer ... Lily Braden
Ben Stiller ... Dave 'Killer' Carlson
Adam Sandler ... Jeff Hanson
Ashton Kutcher... Steve Hanson
Eddie Murphy... Jack Hanson
Wilmer Valder...whatever ... Denis Lemieux
Jennifer Aniston ... Suzanne Hanrahan
Morgan Freeman ... Dickie Dunn
Tom Cruise ... Tim 'Dr. Hook' McCracken
Jim Carrey ... Tommy Hanrahan
Ving Rhames ... Ogie Ogilthorpe

'cuse me...I have to go bleach my brain now...

Posted by: dammitjanet at February 4, 2009 2:50 PM

I LOVE FLUFFY KITTENS!

Posted by: Bajingo Hound at February 4, 2009 5:29 PM

Dammit Dammitjanet. That is just cruel. Why don't you just go and suggest that instead of a puck, they use a puppy. A nice fluffy golden retriever puppy.

Posted by: admin at February 4, 2009 8:04 PM

"Why don't you just go and suggest that instead of a puck, they use a puppy. A nice fluffy golden retriever puppy."

Who dies at the end of the movie.

Posted by: Stella at February 5, 2009 9:14 AM

Who dies at the end of the movie.

Of puppy cancer.

See what you started!

Posted by: admin at February 5, 2009 12:12 PM

Who dies at the end of the movie. Of puppy cancer.

Oh, not just any puppy....a descendent of the dog who saved Charlestown from the great flood....a puppy beloved by the entire town. The Hansons actually try to use it on the update of their slot-car track, a Wii. It's like the commercial where one guy tells his friend to throw him a pitch on the Wii just like for real, and he throws his Wiimote at the TV? It's like that, but with a puppy.

Posted by: dammitjanet at February 5, 2009 3:40 PM