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Number 5 Is Alive!

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (38)

stretcharmstrong.jpg

The possibility that a Short Circuit remake will be heading to a big screen near you just got more possibilitier! The original Wall-E has gotten a scriptwriter. His name: Dan Milano. Milano you may know as the voice of Greg the Bunny (he was also a writer on the show) and one of the writers of “Robot Chicken.”

For those unfamiliar with Short Circuit, well: Good for you. You’re under the age of 25. Congratulations, no one will mock you for loving a crappy talking robot. Has anybody who saw Short Circuit back in the day seen it recently. I bet it’s awful. I prefer to keep my fond memories intact.

Elsewhere, this news has been floating around for a couple of days, but I haven’t written about it because, honestly, I have no flipping idea what Stretch Armstrong is. Apparently, it as a Hasbro toy, and you could stretch his arms. Or something. Steve Oedekerk, the writer behind the Almighty movies, Patch Adams, and The Nutty Professor movies is taking care of script duties. And the once estimable Brian Grazer is producing. He had this to say, according to IGN:

“Stretch Armstrong is a character I have wanted to see on screen for a long time. He’s an unconventional kind of super hero with a power that no one would want. It’s a story about a guy stretching - if you will - the limits of what is possible to become all that he can be.”

Wow, Grazer. Are you getting your talking points from The Hollywood Reporter headline writers? Anyway, that’s happening. Here’s hoping that Evil X-ray Wretch Armstrong returns as the film’s villain. I guess. Also, what the fuck is a Stretch Armstrong? Was that some toy, like the Transformers, that only the rich kids got, while the rest of us poor kids had to settle for Crayons and Slinkies. Bougé motherfuckers.









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Comments

Give Short Circuit another viewing, Dustin, especially with your son. I just watched it with my daughter a few weeks ago, and it was fantastic. Still a great, great movie, and she went apeshit for Johnny 5.

Posted by: Snath at June 4, 2009 11:34 AM

“Stretch Armstrong is a character I have wanted to see on screen for a long time. He’s an unconventional kind of super hero with a power that no one would want. It’s a story about a guy stretching - if you will - the limits of what is possible to become all that he can be.”

Um, hello? They already made a movie about a character like this - two movies, actually. His name is Reed motherf'n Richards, aka Mr. Fantastic, of the Fantastic Four. Dumbasses.

(Not that the movies were any good. Just pointing out the facts.)

Posted by: Melissa at June 4, 2009 11:38 AM

So, who will play Stretch, and how long will it take some neighborhood kid to either poke holes in him to see the goop ooze out, melt his ass, or tie him to 2 trucks, Hitcher- style, to see what happens.

LEAVE #5 ALONE!!!

"beeeeautiful Stephanie....."

Posted by: dammitjanet at June 4, 2009 11:39 AM

Was that some toy, like the Transformers, that only the rich kids got, while the rest of us poor kids had to settle for Crayons and Slinkies.

We had part of a Slinky. But I straightened it.

Posted by: Melissa at June 4, 2009 11:40 AM

Yeah, that's my bad on the Stretch Armstrong film, guys. Sorry.
I was reading something else equally ridiculous here on-site the other day (can't quite remember which thing it was; possibly the comment in the GI Joe thread about Rainbow Brite?) and it made me think, "O-M-G... next thing ya know, some dipshit is gonna make a movie about Stretch Armstrong and his nemesis, the Stretch Monster."

Apparently my brainwaves were being monitored.
That'll learn me.

Y'all have my sincerest apologies.

Posted by: Rykker at June 4, 2009 11:51 AM

...Really? Stretch Armstrong? The only part I'm even vaguely interested in would be the casting. Who the hell would want to be billed as that toy full of corn syrup?

And all I remember about slinkys was that they were totally tits, until one day they would get tangled in some sort of horrid mess for absolutely no discernible reason. Fun for a girl and a boy my ass.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at June 4, 2009 11:52 AM

In college, my friends and I would walk in circles waving our arms saying, "NOOOO-VA!!!" every time we saw a Chevy Nova in a parking lot. I drank a lot then.
This better have The Gute in it as a sage old robot wrangler or something.


Posted by: Kballs at June 4, 2009 11:52 AM

Hmmmmm, needs more porn. Gettin' kinky with a slinky and bent with Stretch Armstrong.

Posted by: slower lower at June 4, 2009 11:58 AM

I'll take this as a sign that Hollywood will soon greenlight Log.

"It's big. It's heavy. It's wood."

Starring Keanu Reeves as Log.

Posted by: branded at June 4, 2009 12:02 PM

A friend of mine had a Stretch Armstrong and it always seemed a lot harder to stretch than they showed in the commercial. One of those toys that's awesome for five minutes and then gets abandoned under someone's bed until the dog eats it.

So, what I'm saying is, there should never be a Stretch Armstrong movie. Professor Impossible is the only alternate universe version of Reed Richards we need.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at June 4, 2009 12:03 PM

And to answer the "what the fuck is a Stretch Armstrong?" question... here's the 1977 television commercial introducing the Stretch Monster, in which he and Armstrong do battle.

Posted by: Rykker at June 4, 2009 12:04 PM

From a collector fansite:

"Are you kidding me? Just look at these perfect Stretch Armstrongs. The shape is amazing, isnt it? I can only assume that these guys were produced by a Kenner employee that went above and beyond and applied the latex at just the right thickness and timing.You wouldnt believe how smooth the skin feels! Flawless!!!

Suddenly, I feel a lot better about myself...

Posted by: Skitz at June 4, 2009 12:05 PM

Bouge Motherfuckers,
made water come out of my nose.

Stretch came out in 1978, and at 3 years old I thought it was stupid toy. Needless to say I am stoked for the movie.

Posted by: badalamenti at June 4, 2009 12:06 PM

Stretch Armstrong was an "action figure" that was filled with some sort of weird shit. The "allure" was that you could stretch the living shit out of him.

At least, that's what I remember from the commercials, never having one.

However all the talk about Slinky's reminded me of the Ren and Stimpy ad they ran for "Log".

What's the over/under on Hollywood making either a "Ren and Stimpy" live action film...(shoot me now!)...or a film on the "Log" commercial?

What rolls down stairs
Without a care
Rolls over the neighbors dog...

Posted by: UncleJR at June 4, 2009 12:06 PM

Damn, screwed up the Log song.

Should be

What rolls down stairs
Alone or in pairs
Rolls over the neighbors dog...

Ah well. Senior moment. lol.

Posted by: UncleJR at June 4, 2009 12:10 PM

I only ever saw one Ren and Stimpy episode. I saw it 5 times. You know the one where they were being eaten by buzzards 2 in. from the highway?

Scarlet Johannsen could do the sequel: Logs.

Posted by: Captain Steve at June 4, 2009 12:10 PM

OBVIOUSLY if anyone was going to make a movie based on Ren and Stimpy, it would involve the Kilted Yaksmen. Or possibly Powdered Toast Man, but he's kind of one note. The Kilted Yaskmen even have their own theme song!

Our country reeks of trees
Our yaks are really large
And they smell like rotting beef carcasses
And we have to clean up after them
And our saddle sores are the best
We proudly wear women's clothing
And searing sand blows up our skirts
And they buzzards they soar overhead
And poisonous snakes will devour us whole
Our bones will bleach in the sun
And we will probably go to hell
And that is our great reward
For being the Royal Canadian Kilted Yaksmen!

(I can't find a good video on YouTube of this being sung. The internet is WORTHLESS)

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at June 4, 2009 12:24 PM

I remember there was this urban legend floating around that Stretch Armstrong was filled with the blood of aliens and he'd come alive and kill you at night.

So that's why we had to cut him open and watch the green goo come out.

The best part was how that shit turned out to be poisonous or something and the toy got pulled off the shelves. EVIL DOLL! I'd totally watch that movie.

Posted by: figgy at June 4, 2009 12:27 PM

Quick question - in the header photo, the middle pose - Is he holding chicken fingers? Were chicken fingers even around at that time? I smell a conspiracy...

Posted by: Skitz at June 4, 2009 12:31 PM

...super hero with a power that no one would want.

Is he out of his damn mind? I'd like to just about any super power. This one is way better tan what happened to The Thing or Beast or even The Hulk. I mean, he still looks normal except when he uses his power.

Posted by: alphawhiskey at June 4, 2009 12:42 PM

OBVIOUSLY if anyone was going to make a movie based on Ren and Stimpy, it would involve the Kilted Yaksmen. Or possibly Powdered Toast Man, but he's kind of one note.
Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at June 4, 2009 12:24 PM

YES!!!! I want to see the Powdered Toast Man/ Waffle Woman battle ON THE BIG SCREEN!!!

Brendan Fraser as PTM, and Scarlett Jo as WW!!!

Posted by: dammitjanet at June 4, 2009 12:47 PM

*sigh* I saw Short Circuit recently. Don't bother. Unless you're really hung over and your brain is on idle for the whole day. And you can't reach the remote.

Posted by: Darcy at June 4, 2009 12:48 PM

Stretch Armstrong used to scared the living hell out of me. I have no idea why, though! My mom would have to throw it in a closet and carry me past it while I kept my eyes closed. *shudder*

Stupid jelly-filled motherfucker.

Posted by: Tae at June 4, 2009 12:57 PM

The Guttenberg: What'll happen if he comes across a busload of nuns?

Hackers Dude: Nun soup?

best. line. ever.

And from part 2, because I am a fucking film savant....

Los Locos kick your ass. Los Locos kick your face. Los Locos kick your balls into OUT-ER-SPACE!!!!

KO, Derf.

Posted by: PissBoy at June 4, 2009 1:14 PM

Short Circuit gave darling hubby his favorite line for years.

"Her pants are blazing for you!" said in a thick Indian accent.

Posted by: BWeaves at June 4, 2009 1:33 PM

I was repeating that line like crazy too, BWeaves.

Posted by: Snath at June 4, 2009 1:35 PM

Is the MurderTank in the shop or something? Getting a lube/oil/filter for $18.99 at Monro? Getting the blood and brains chiseled from the treads? Getting a flamethrower?

Guess what I'm trying to say is: Where's that fucker when you need it? Stretch Armstrong has 2 seconds to get his sorry stretchy ass out of my way.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 4, 2009 1:43 PM

You better believe I had a m'f'n Stretch Armstrong. It was cool as hell. But then I was building a really badass NASA Lego set my baby sister came along and dropped Stretch on it. So I said fuck this shit and Stretch got resigned to the bottom of a toy chest.
I found him just recently when we were moving but all of his innards were hardened. Stretch didn't stretch no mo'.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at June 4, 2009 1:43 PM

Somebody needs to keep a scoreboard and see how many of these whack job ideas actually get turned into movies. I have a feeling 95% of what gets rumor ... rePORTed here will never come to fruition.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 4, 2009 2:17 PM

Posted by: Skitz at June 4, 2009 12:05 PM

Tell the truth, man...that was you, wasn't it?

Posted by: Vermillion at June 4, 2009 2:26 PM

Doesn't Stretch Armstrong only stretch if other people stretch him? He can't do it under his own power. He's like the submissive Mr. Fantastic.

Posted by: James at June 4, 2009 2:57 PM

Doesn't Stretch Armstrong only stretch if other people stretch him? He can't do it under his own power. He's like the submissive Mr. Fantastic.

Hahahahaha!

Posted by: Snath at June 4, 2009 4:07 PM

i'm the number 1 short circuit fan they better not screw up a remake.

Posted by: Utah Dynamo at June 4, 2009 5:08 PM

Johnny Five aliiiiiivee!!!!

I loved those movies.

I am prettyy certain I would fall a sleep trying to watch them now

Posted by: Brian at June 4, 2009 5:46 PM

We had part of a Slinky. But I straightened it.

Posted by: Melissa at June 4, 2009 11:40 AM

It took me about ten seconds to realize that was from Ghostbusters or Ghostbusters 2...thanks for making me think...

Posted by: DeistBrawler at June 4, 2009 6:15 PM

Stretch Armstrong sounds like Mr and Mrs Incredible rolled into one. Or two of the Fantastic Four characters rolled into one. Hardly a new idea.

Posted by: barf at June 4, 2009 6:17 PM

Why not make the Plastic Man movie happen, instead? At least that's an actual character. Stretch Armstrong was good for pulling until you lost your grip and smack yourself in the face with your own hands though. ...So, he's got that going for him.

Posted by: HappyGobo at June 4, 2009 11:23 PM

"Stephanie, no disassemble!"

Short Circuit was great, and I even liked the sequel which was way more Fisher Stevens in his kitschy Pakistani accent.

Remakes of movies I loved scare me. I haven't seen a good one yet.

Posted by: RichieRich at June 6, 2009 1:06 AM