April 29, 2008 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | April 29, 2008 |


I can’t remember the last time I was actually excited about one of the items in our trade round-ups, and you know what? Today’s no goddamn different. Same shit, different Tuesday. Sorry folks.

The big news over the last week was an item that everyone has known now since the Middle Ages, but it’s now being confirmed: Guillermo Del Toro will be directing the Hobbit movies, beating out Sam Raimi for the job, which was probably a wise move. It also looks as though Ian McKellan will reprise his role as Gandalf, and Andy Serks will play that creepy Gollum thingie again. It seems kind of backwards to me — Peter Jackson might have seemed a more natural fit for The Hobbit, while Del Toro — known for darker, more stylistic films — would have been more appropriate for LOTR (and he might have actually made the trilogy watchable, as he surely knows something about editing that Jackson doesn’t), instead of a movie based on a children’s book. Del Toro has been asked to make two movies, one based on Tolkien’s The Hobbit, and another to bridge the gap between The Hobbit and LOTR, which just sounds like needless profiteering to me, which I understand is actually why title of the second film is: The Hobbit II: The Money Grab (Electric Boogaloo). Whatevs. While I suspect Del Toro couldn’t fuck it up nearly as bad as Peter Jackson, I’m still nonplussed about the project, as I am about anything involving goblins and Wargs.

Meanwhile, in this week’s mandatory Judd Apatow news, Nicholas Stoller (Forgetting Sarah Marshall) is taking two of Marshall’s actors, Russell Brand and Jonah Hill, throwing them — along with a bag of weed — into the Apatow hopper, and spitting out Get Him to the Greek, about a fresh-faced insurance adjuster (Hill) charged with getting a rock star (Brand) to a gig at L.A.’s Greek Theater. Get Him to the Greek, in an effort to expand the sexual slang vocabulary of mainstream America, will include the following ad-libbed words: gooch, grundle, nifkin, and chode. The movie is scheduled for release in 2010, however, the 24-hour a day marketing onslaught on the film will begin next week.

Four days until Iron Man. Serenity now. Serenity now.

Meanwhile, J.J. Abrams appears eager to jump on the Apatow bandwagon himself, as he’s set to produce Hot for Teacher, described as a “Superbad-like” film about three high school students who plan to rid themselves of their pesky virginity before they graduate high school, with one of them aiming to unload his cherry onto a teacher. I couldn’t think of a more worthless idea if I was borrowing Bai Ling’s brain (cell).

Awww, Mom. You know I’m not like other guys. I’m nervous. And my socks are too loose.

Elsewhere, Eli Roth is jumping onto the J.J. Abrams bandwagon, reporting that he’s been working on a PG-13 sci-fi movie that he describes as a cross between Cloverfield and The Transformers. Wow! What a novel goddamn idea: I’m guessing he’s just going to take a couple of cameras, stick them on a jackhammer in the back of a pick-up truck while its driving over potholes and alternate pointing them at cleavage and action figures. It should make about $200 million, and the servers over at AICN will melt down.

Actually, if you’re going to the midnight showing, it’s really only three more days until Iron Man.

Then there’s this: Crispin Glover has signed onto The Forlorn, a movie focusing on the infamous Donner Party, a group of 1840 settlers who got trapped in a snowstorm in the Sierra Nevada and ultimately resorted to cannibalism to survive. I cannot imagine a creepier combination than Glover and cannibalism, except for perhaps Crispin Glover and a children’s birthday party.

Mini diversion, because today’s round-up is so lackluster: Who is the least attractive person you can imagine giving a pity fuck?

In other news, some jackasses have been tapped to write the script for the re-imagining of Brian De Palma’s The Fury, and by “re-imagining,” I suspect they mean, “shitty remake.” The updated movie will focus on a young man (instead of a woman, as in the original) who is abducted by the government, which plans to take advantage of his telekinetic powers. It’s not the current administration, however; the Bush White House actually abducted Silent Bob, circa Mallrats.

Finally in the midst of today’s round-up of blahtastic, uninspiring ideas, there is a modicum of joy to be had, as Nicole Holofcener (Walking and Talking, Lovely and Amazing) is back behind the camera, hoping to improve upon the mediocre Friends with Money, with an untitled project that so far has Amanda Peete, Oliver Platt and — unsurprisingly — Catherine Keener attached. The film is described as a tale about family, death and real estate, and while the topic of real estate might have seemed ridiculously drama-free to me two months ago, that was before I tried selling a house in this goddamn market. Kill me dead, folks.

In the trailer watch, I’ve got little to add to brighten your day, but how about the preposterous looking film, Lakeview Terrace, starring Sam Jackson in full-on Sam Jackson mode. It looks an awful lot like Michael Keaton’s Pacific Heights, if you ask me.

Here’s the full-length trailer for M. Night Shyamalan’s The Happening, and if you want to know what the nonsensical trailer is about, *serious spoiler* the menace to society, the danger to the world, is a killer mother nature that’s had it up to here with litter. No shit. *end spoiler*.

Last is the trailer for Alan Ball’sTowelhead, which we got a chance to see at Sundance this year. I thought it was pretty goddamn amazing (as was the novel it was adapted from), but Ted had some issues with the sexualization of a 13-year-old, which is a fair concern, though the lead actress was actually an 18 year old who pretended to get naked, unlike Miley Cyrus, a 15-year-old who pretended to get naked. Anyway, it’s got Aaron Eckhart in it, which always makes a movie at least worth the look see.

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Same Shit, Different Pajiba!

The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | April 29, 2008 | Comments ()



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