November 18, 2008 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | November 18, 2008 |


Half of you poor bastards probably don’t even know who Sam Kinison was. Dude was an ex-preacher so full of cum and piss and vinegar and anger and vitriol that, one day, he exploded: He took that anger and he turned it into a stand-up routine, one aimed at the church, more specifically folks like Jimmy Swaggert and Jim and Tammy Fay Baker. Kinison had this guttural, primal scream that was half funny, half terrifying, and it would make the hair on the back of your neck stand up and laugh. And the dude was freakin’ hilarious, even if he was a sexist asshole. He was a stand-up comedian that just also happened to be part of that 80’s rock scene, so had he not died six days after his wedding, the dude probably would’ve faded away like his contemporaries, Gilbert Gottfrieid, Andrew Dice Clay, Bobcat Goldwaithe, and everyone on Headbanger’s Ball. Remember that “Wild Thing” video: Billy Idol, Stephen Tyler, Joe Perry, Tommy Lee, Richie Sambora, Slash, C.C. Deville, the dude from RATT, the dude from Skid Row that wasn’t Sebastian Bach (Rachel Boll?) and that motherfucking riff. Oh that motherfucking riff: “You’re a lying, unfaithful, untrusting tramp, and I think I love you.” Woah! I’m having some serious high-school flashbacks, y’all. And my heart is racing a little. I feel like I’m about to get beat up again. And I think I love it. Bring it on Darryl Bowman. I will fuck you up. Yeah. I’ll do it. From inside this trash can. No, come on Darryl. I need that lunch money. Shit man, I weight a buck 25 — the only thing keeping me alive are those cafeteria cheeseburgers.

Do yourself a favor and watch this video:

Anyway, the point is: Someone has finally gotten around to making a movie about Kinison. Granted, it’s an HBO movie, but still. Unfortunately, in doing so, they’ve apparently decided to shit all over poor Kinison’s grave by casting the human cumstain to play Kinison.

Yeah. Dan Fogler. I’ll grant you the physical resemblance, but DAN MOTHERFUCKING FOGLER! You’ve got to be kidding me. KIDDING ME. That anthropomorphic piece of fecal matter. As Sam Kinison? OOOOOWWWWW NOooooOOOOOOO. Worse still, Tom Shadyac is directing. The DIRECTOR OF ACE VENTURA AND EVAN ALMIGHTY? OOOOOhhh OOOOOHHHHHHWWWW. Patch Adams. I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU! DEMON FROM HELLLLLLL!

“There’s no happy ending to cocaine. You either die. You go to jail. Or you run out.”

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No Nooooooooo! Nooo! NooooooooOOOOOO!

NoooooOOOOO! / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | November 18, 2008 | Comments ()



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