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More Remake News! / Brian Prisco

Trade News | December 5, 2008 | Comments (16)

Fox has decided they want to remake Romancing the Stone. I thought we already did this? Wasn’t it called “Fool’s Gold” and didn’t it star Kate Hudson and Matthew McCan’tspellit’s abs?

They’re giving money to Daniel McDermott. He used to be a development executive for DreamWorks and decided instead that he ought to be a writer. Eagle Eye was partially his fault. So they’ve signed him on for this, a remake of Soylent Green — it’s made of people! — and my personal favorite, a project for Tom Cruise called Adventurer’s Club. It’s probably not about a club for pedophiles who travel around the world having sex with children. No, wait, that was the Super Adventurer’s Club, you know the group that kidnapped Chef in the South Park episode when they took him to task for running away to Scientology. This just the regular Adventurer’s Club, the ones who pull up to schoolyards in panel vans with bags of candy and Nintendo DS’s.

They haven’t announced a cast yet. I’d like to see Lindsay Lohan actually take on the Joan Wilder part, because she looks about 40 and she’s got that chewing on cigarettes and cock voice going for her. Michael Douglas’s Jack Colton is a real man’s man. It’s one of those Kurt Russell-y parts, that grinning smart ass bravado. Sean William Scott might be able to pull it off. He’s actually started acting now, I know it’s hard to believe.

The only actor in Hollywood who can be Danny Devito is apparently me. I’ve been called in for several television programs based solely on that fact. However, I think the best move is to go with David Krumholz, the Jew stoner from Harold and Kumar who stars in “Numbers.” Or “Num8er5,” if you want to be like that. The dude’s got this awesome combination of Costanza and Columbo. He’d be a perfect angry foil.

They also asked Kathleen Turner and Michael Douglas to make cameos. Douglas is going to be the alligator boots, and Turner’s going to be the boat.


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Comments

Douglas is going to be the alligator boots, and Turner's going to be the boat.

You ask for it and love it, you snide bitch.

Um, yeah, once again, especially in light of very similar movies already existing, remake like television set on honeymoon....

Posted by: Jay at December 5, 2008 11:37 AM

I remember taking darling hubby to the original "Romancing the Stone" movie, and during the chick lit prologue he turned to me and said, "What the hell did you drag me to?"

Posted by: BWeaves at December 5, 2008 11:37 AM

OK. I see how it is. Between this, the Carpenter news, Boynton's dissing of Joe Vs. The Volcano and me having to deal with Dunkin Donuts not knowing how to fucking put a cover on a cup of coffee...

... it's CLEARLY "drive TK into a homicidal, blood-bathing, frothing fury" day.

So be it.

So. Fucking. Be it.

Posted by: TK at December 5, 2008 11:54 AM

ah, man. this is going to bum my mom right out. she LOVES this movie. i must confess to a special fondness for it as well, as one of those Movies I Used To Watch With Mom.

also, I have special fondness for Kathleen Turner, cuz she went to my alma mater. Not that she'll admit it. not that i blame her, i rarely admit i went there too.

Posted by: lizzieborden at December 5, 2008 11:56 AM

That's it, Prisco. I am officially boycotting because you have yet to explain what you've done with the EE.

I don't care how much I like your write-ups/reviews!

Posted by: Kayanne at December 5, 2008 11:57 AM

Romancing the Stone?! Really?! Is there a rule that all creative folks are actually now banned from Hollywood, so that no good new movies can be made? Why, oh why, does this movie need to be remade?! It doesn't! Jesus Fucking Christ on a Goddamn Popsicle Stick.

COME UP WITH SOMETHING NEW, PEOPLE!!! It won't kill you.

Posted by: tamatha at December 5, 2008 11:57 AM

Usually my only problem is when they occasionally get the sugar all over the outside of the cup. But the lid went wrong? Were you also driving?

I'm easily perturbed in traffic anyway, so that'd definitely be worth bloody fury.

Posted by: Jay at December 5, 2008 11:58 AM

We want Eloquent Eloquence!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Sofía at December 5, 2008 12:05 PM

I'm going to feed all of Hollywood to the alligators.

Posted by: Julie at December 5, 2008 12:12 PM

All I remember about Romancing the Stone was how often it was on Encore when I was, oh, four years old? Which means that I have some weird developmental memories of Danny DeVito in the jungle. I'm sure that'll come out in therapy sooner of later.

I should probably watch it again.

Posted by: gatesong at December 5, 2008 12:29 PM

Romancing the Stone was great fun for a nine-year-old me, and it became one of those movies that, as viewed later with adult sensibilities, apparently had a lot more going on. Yeah, as I kid I totally missed the fact that the downed plane was a drug smuggling one.

In some weird way, I am ashamed of that nine-year-old me who wasn't as worldly as I'd like to think I was. I mean geez, what fourth-grader shouldn't know all about drug smuggling?

I still don't understand why is it Michael Douglas was ever considered sexy leading man type. He looks like Sam the Eagle.

Posted by: Alabamapink at December 5, 2008 1:26 PM

tamatha - i couldn't agree with you more.

Posted by: Neena at December 5, 2008 1:31 PM

When I first saw this as a kid, I had no understanding of their getting high in the fuselage off the pot. Years later I rewatched it, and it was like a light bulb going off over my head.

Anyway, I liked it enough to see The Jewel Of The Nile at the theater and purchase the soundtrack on cassette.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at December 5, 2008 1:56 PM

Ahahahahahaa Sam the Eagle.

Hee. He totally, totally does. Brilliant.

I think the dude maybe has a sexy voice sometimes, but that poofy helmet hair of his just bugs the hell out of me.

Posted by: figgy at December 5, 2008 1:58 PM

**David Krumholz**

aka "Mr. Universe," dick munch. tb

Posted by: ted boynton at December 6, 2008 5:29 PM

I watch It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and if you ask me, Danny Devito still does a pretty fucking good Danny Devito.

Posted by: Bane at December 7, 2008 3:39 AM