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We Don't Need Another xXx

By TK | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (13)

vindie.jpg

Rob Cohen is one of Hollywood’s true success stories. The man has almost zero real talent — at best, he can construct a decent (though CGI-infected) action scene, and build a decent trailer around it. And yet he’s made gagamajillions of dollars by feeding audiences cinematic fast food. His films are filled with lousy actors, telegraphed plots, and lots of KABOOM! And no heart. He’s the man responsible for xXx, The Fast And The Furious (before it got even furiousererer), and That Shot Of Jessica Biel’s Ass Stealth. Truth be told, the best thing he’s directed was probably the video for Rammstein’s “Feuer Frei!”

Anyway, after the nightmarishly bad Ice Cube sequel (that he didn’t direct, bless his plastic, action figure heart) he was set to return to the xXx franchise with xXx The Return of Xander Cage (feel free to toss around a couple of gay porn jokes). Jesus, what a shit title. Well, no more. Instead, he’s going to direct Medieval, which he described as “The Magnificent Seven in the Middle Ages.” It will be produced by McG.

The Magnificent Seven. Rob Cohen. McG. These things should never be mentioned in the same article, and for that I am truly sorry.

Incidentally, I almost titled this “Rob Cohen To Get Medieval on Your Asses,” but then I realized that a) I don’t write for The Hollywood Reporter and b) I’m not a fucking moron.







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Comments

Seriously? That video right there is the best three minutes of xXx. Ah, Rammstein.

I'm going to pretend I didn't read the rest of it. Because then I'd have to get out the axe.

Posted by: lizzieborden at June 10, 2009 7:43 PM

I used to ignore the 'he's closseted' rumours about Vin Diesel, figuring that it was just speculation, and none of my business anyway.

Then I saw the kiss in xXx. Otherwise known as 'Exihibit A'.

Posted by: ScienceGeek at June 10, 2009 8:08 PM

Any follow-ups to xXx need to come AFTER another Riddick movie.

I need closure, dammit.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at June 10, 2009 8:11 PM

I don't care what they say, I won't live in a world without Vin Diesel. I love him like I love KGBeast.

Posted by: Flannery at June 10, 2009 8:15 PM

Any follow-ups to xXx need to come AFTER another Riddick movie.

I need closure, dammit.

I agree.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at June 10, 2009 8:32 PM

They should title the new XXX movie XXXX now even Xier.

Am i right ...... come high five
No .... well i tried to sexy up as best i could

Posted by: gilp at June 10, 2009 9:26 PM

That doesn't even sound like a real movie. That sounds like a B-List gay porno. (Yes, that's a good thing for some people, but it shouldn't be an actual movie when it would be the perfect porn title.)

Posted by: George at June 10, 2009 9:50 PM

I enjoed the first xXx movie. Maybe Vin Diesel is not a great actor but, like Schwarzenegger and Stallone, he's got a great presence onscreen. The follow up with Ice Cube was crap and I have no doubt this one won't be much good. Oh, and the title is shite, even for a porno.

Posted by: barf at June 11, 2009 5:21 AM

Magnificent Seven?

Doesn't everybody want to remake this movie with their ultimate cast? I sure do.

Posted by: twig at June 11, 2009 7:26 AM

I thought XXX was a kissing movie. The sequel should be XOXOXO.

Anyway, the Magnificent Seven was already remade with a dream cast, and called "The Magnificent Seven." The original Seven Samaurai was set in the Middle Ages, so that's already been done, too. OK, it was Middle Age Japan, but it's been done. Still, I'd go for guys in codpieces.

Posted by: BWeaves at June 11, 2009 9:21 AM

Why the hell is Riddick in Zion?

Posted by: replica at June 11, 2009 9:55 PM

The Magnificent Seven? Damn it, please, NO. Kurosawa's Seven Samurai was awesome, and The Magnificent Seven was just magical. Yul Brynner, Eli Wallach, Charles Bronson, and of course, Steve Mc-fucking-Queen.

I agree with the above post - The Magnificent Seven has already had a dream cast.

Posted by: JureF at June 12, 2009 6:14 PM

I disagree, BWeaves--I think the sequel should be YYY!

Posted by: meaux at June 12, 2009 9:21 PM


















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