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Zombies & Scientists & Guns &... Wait... This Sounds Familiar

By TK | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (19)

resident_evil.jpg

I’ve officially given up on complaining about reboots (note: not true). So when news came out via Bloody Disgusting that Sony Screen Gems is gearing up to do a prequel/reboot of Resident Evil, I figured, eh, what the hell. That franchise is a goddamn disaster anyway.

Except for one problem. I’m one of the few who actually likes the first one. A lot. Sure, it’s hardly a classic, but it’s an entertaining spin on the genre, and Milla Jovovich kicked ass impressively, and looked hot as hell while doing it. Decent effects, fun action scenes, solid gore factor — I’m not ashamed. I liked Resident Evil. It may well be Paul W. S. Anderson’s best movie. Now, sure, that’s not saying a hell of a lot, especially considering what donkey-fucking fail-piles the sequels were. Somehow, Alice went from being a badass special forces-type chick to a bizarre Christ-figure who, as of the end of the atrocious Resident Evil: Extinction, is now part of a clone army out to attack a group of evil beancounters in Japan. Or something. I dunno. Oh, and she can shoot forcefields? And control birds? I forget. It devolved into such an astonishing, crapellant ball of assjackery that I can barely even keep it straight anymore.

In fact, if anything, they should leave the first film as is, burn the negatives of Extinction and Apocalypse, and reboot those fuckers. Just create brand new, non-sucky sequels. But of course, no one ever listens to me. The series has devolved so far past the video games that there isn’t even really a reason to call them Resident Evil anymore, save for references to the Umbrella Corporation and zombies. I’m hardly a Resident Evil veteran — I’ve played Resident Evil 4 and 5 and that’s it, but even I can tell they’ve basically abandoned the canon completely.

In any event, this new version will go back to the story’s origins. According to Bloody Disgusting, “the idea is to redo the story of a special military unit who fights a powerful, out-of-control supercomputer and hundreds of scientists who have mutated into flesh-eating creatures after a laboratory accident.”

So… the exact same plot as the first one? Awesome. No, really, super idea.









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Comments

I can't tell if this is going to put a dent in my plans to be Alice from Resident Evil for Halloween or just make people more likely to know who I am as I stomp around in boots and half of a red dress carting the biggest fake gun I can get my hands on. Probably the second.

I'm surprised you didn't tie this into the Milla Jovovich naked pictures that hit the internet yesterday.

Posted by: Rusty (formerly Genny) at September 9, 2009 11:14 AM

She doesn't control the birds, she immolates them in some sort of unholy pyrokinetical whoop-ass I didn't fully understand.

Milla Jovovich is pretty much one of the hottest women on the face of the planet, and she's made every Resident Evil film watchable.

That being said, I would not mind at all if they were to do a successful and more faithful adaptation of the game series. They are a rich vein of awesome that has never been truthfully mined.

RE4 as a movie, for instance? Hell fucking yes, please.

Also, did you guys see the nekkid pics Milla did for Purple? I was already in my bunk, and mayhaps I might venture there again. Rawr.

Posted by: Snath at September 9, 2009 11:16 AM

I liked the first one well enough. The sequels were awful, except for the delightful eye candy (e.g., Milla, Sienna Guillory, and Ali Larter). I've only seen the sequels via cobbled together bits and pieces over various late, night free-cable viewings.

Posted by: Forbiddendonut at September 9, 2009 11:17 AM

Dammit, Rusty, you beat me to the nekkid. Argh.

Posted by: Snath at September 9, 2009 11:18 AM

Milla Jovovich naked pictures that hit the internet yesterday.

Dear Rusty,
It is very important that I know where to find these pictures. It is ...for ... research. To cure ...a deadly disease. Of some kind. Puppy cancer. It's to cure puppy cancer. I need to have access to these photos to cure puppy cancer. Thank you.
Sincerely,
AvB.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 9, 2009 11:26 AM

These aren't reboots. They're Mulligans.

Boo. No credit.

Posted by: twig at September 9, 2009 11:33 AM

Check your Facebook, AvB. I sent you the link.

Posted by: Snath at September 9, 2009 11:41 AM

TK, I LOVED the first Resident Evil. You are not alone (...i am here to stay...sorry). I actually think it is kind of a modern classic, but more as a suspense/thriller than anything else. Maybe it's because I watched it for the first time in college on DiVX at 5 am at the end of an all nighter - but it scared the shit outta me. Also, the hotness. Also, I think it works the paper thin romantic plot for all the pathos it can.
Anyway, one of my favorite rewatchers.

AvB, http://thesuperficial.com/2009/09/milla_jovovich_completely_nude.php

Posted by: Ian at September 9, 2009 11:44 AM

Excellent. I'll be in my bunk lab. ...researching. Cancerous puppies thank you.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 9, 2009 11:52 AM

Dammit, why do I have to be at work right this minute?!

Anyways, I liked the first movie, too. Of course, I have been devoted to Milla to a frankly scary degree for, like, decades (roughly, since she was on Married With Children), so my judgment is not sound.

Posted by: Todd at September 9, 2009 11:53 AM

My vote for 'Best Paul W.S. Anderson Movie' goes to Event Horizon - although that's a statement akin to nominating 'That Time Ashley Cooper Flicked Me So Hard In The Nutsack I Nearly Vomited' as 'My Most Treasured Memory Of Crotch Abuse'.

Posted by: Dill The Devil at September 9, 2009 12:04 PM

One time my friend kicked me in the nuts so hard I projectile vomited immediately. While on the phone.

I was at my parent's house, standing by the big bay window looking out at our street, talking to another friend on the phone. I don't really know why, but I had my legs spread and was kind of rocking back and forth, leaning on a table. I suppose I looked like the most irresistible target imaginable for a nut-kicking enthusiast. I imagine it's what an unwatched kiddie pool looks like to a pedophile.

So my friend comes up behind me and gives me a good thwocking 'twixt my legs with a mighty kick, like he's Charlie Brown finally getting to punt that football. It hurt so bad that I immediately threw up the lunch I had just eaten, bathing the window in a nice rainbow pastiche of food particles. A good amount of it managed to get into the phone too, so that I had to take it apart and clean out the inside.

I immediately fell down, barely missing the table I'd been leaning on, and proceeded to mewl and writhe like a newborn kitten.

My friend ran away, fearful of any revenge, but there was no way I was in any shape to retaliate. I slept something like twelve hours and then had to clean up hard puke the next day.

I still haven't gotten him back, and he knows it's coming...just not when.

Posted by: Snath at September 9, 2009 12:15 PM

Ashley was the master at ball-flicks - not for him the crude, barbarian blunt force trauma of the toe-punt to the family jewels. No, Ashley's preferred method of nut-bothering went thusly:

1) Extend right arm fully, straight out from the shoulder, with the hand palm upwards.

2) Bend the elbow until the fingers are curled towards your shoulder.

3) Take careful aim, and, pivoting from the elbow, with the hand and fingers relaxed until the point just before impact, viciously swipe the victim's nads with the backs of your fingertips.

When he got a perfect shot off, it took the victim a second or two to realise they'd even been hit, until a horrible, painful, churning heat bloomed in the pit of their stomach, their eyes crossed, and their legs gave way beneath them - all while he crowed his victory to whatever bollock-hating gods he worshipped.

Posted by: Dill The Devil at September 9, 2009 12:30 PM

Needless to say, she has very cute looking!! lots pretty chicks like her should be very famous on the ta ll da ting site: ___Tall Min gle Co m___. Maybe she can join to attend the sexy session to attract ta ll guys!! at least, that's what my bros and i happen to know!!

Posted by: Sandra at September 9, 2009 12:44 PM

Why do boys torture each other so? I've never had a female friend or acquaintance try to injure my bajingo. I do have a female roommate with a tendency to pinch nipples when she's drunk, but that's more equal opportunity and I've never known anyone to throw up from a pinched nipple.

Posted by: Rusty (formerly Genny) at September 9, 2009 3:29 PM

Zombies.
You're trying to make my day fantastic aren't you?
I will agree with you Dill the Devil on Event Horizon.
The pictures of Milla aren't anything new, you've been able to find nude pictures of her for awhile now. She was a model.
Did I mention Zombies?
*Happy Dance*

Posted by: Deistbrawler at September 9, 2009 5:03 PM

This movie does not need to be remade. Milla's excellent work speaks for itself. And stay the fuck away from The Fifth Element you bitches.

Posted by: greer at September 9, 2009 6:21 PM

greer, damnit, they'll hear you.

i love RE so much i can watch BOTH the sequels and kid myself and enjoy them.

Posted by: gp at September 9, 2009 6:30 PM

If Milla is in it, and you guys fucking like it? Than do all the RE fans a favor...DONT CALL IT RESIDENT EVIL!!

Posted by: christian at June 3, 2010 3:15 PM