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Once You Wake Up the Dead, You Gotta Real Mess On Your Hands


Get a Job in a Sideshow, Bitch / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | March 2, 2009 | Comments (12)

You fuckers. You sons of bitching cocksucking anal philanthropists. You wanna remake Friday the 13th, have at it. Halloween? Whatever. Last House on the Left? More power to you. My Bloody Valentine? Have a great time.

But H.P. Lovecraft’s Re-Animator? You’ve gone too far now, Hollywood. I am going to gargle on your small intestines. I’m going to hack off your heads, shove them up your own asses, seal them up, and then re-animate them, so you will literally know what it’s like to live with your head up your ass.

I hate your fire-breathing guts, Hollywood. You’re just mean!

The word: Dr. Herbert West will be resurrected, brought back from perpetual straight-to-DVD sequel hell, and given his very own update. A remake, cob-gobblers. In motherfucking 3D. Because that’s the future, boys and girls. It’s bad enough they’re raping our fond childhood memories, now they’re raping our fond childhood traumas … in 3D.

No word yet on whether they’ll bring back Jeffrey Combs, but it seems unlikely.

Here’s an idea: Let’s remake Hollywood. In Montana. Assholes.

Check out this hilariously creepy scene from the original (NSFW) — ah, youth. I miss you so.


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Comments

See, now I, on the other hand, have absolutely no problem with remakes. The thought of them may make me cringe, but it'll never affect the originals for me.

So, to this, I say, Re-Animator 3-D!?!? FUCK YES. After driving 45 miles to see both My Bloody Valentine and Coraline in 3D in the past month, I declared I would do the same for almost any movie that comes out in 3D. (This was quickly forgotten the second that Jonas Brothers shit was released on Friday...)
I say this is magical, magical news.

Posted by: jamiepants at March 2, 2009 10:35 AM

"And what would a note say, Dan? 'Cat dead, details later'?"

There is only one Herbert West goddammit. No one can deliver the creep like Jeffrey Combs.

I'm proposing a special Murder Tank remake mission. Let's just take out every studio head that has greenlit a remake this year.

Posted by: MG at March 2, 2009 10:37 AM

Alright, as punishment, I shall exile all Hollywood executives to be shrunk, and forced to spend the remainder of their days in Larry the Cable Guys asshole. Those who can't fit will be eaten alive by a shark with Adolph Hitlers brain.

Posted by: George at March 2, 2009 10:57 AM

Jeffrey Combs is Herbert West: Reanimator.

Nothing will ever change that.

Posted by: Jerce at March 2, 2009 12:13 PM

The main thing missing from today's so-called horror movies are scenes of incestuous zombie cunnilingus. The golden age of cinema has passed. Who will mouth-rape Barbara Crampton now? Your precious Shia LaBeouf? Hardly.

Posted by: SugarFree at March 2, 2009 12:18 PM

I once watched the director's cut of this film at a horror convention. The most sickening horror film I have ever seen, bar none. Not the scariest, but definitely the most graphically disturbing. This film is probably the apex of the grand guignol style of horror films. There is no way that a remake will not suck, as that sort of truly disturbed film-making has no chance of getting a mass theater audience.

Posted by: NF at March 2, 2009 12:33 PM

Petition for Jeffrey Combs in an expanded-role as Dr. Headcutoff.

I wanna see Jeffrey Combs' Severed Head pleasure a bitch.

Does that make me weird?

Posted by: Bucko at March 2, 2009 12:40 PM

I don't think I'll ever fully understand the logic behind the "remake." If you can't do it better than the original, why bother? Who's ever going to be able to top Jeffrey Combs' performance in this? Some sort of WB-esque Jared Padelecki-style douchenozzle? I think not.

What's next? A remake of "From Beyond" starring L.L. Cool J, Shannon Elizabeth, and Matthew Lillard. *Sigh*

Posted by: Trampy at March 2, 2009 1:29 PM

Nah. Next up is the Rob Zombie remake of Dead/Alive.

Posted by: Bucko at March 2, 2009 1:40 PM

Why do they want to hurt me?

I have to agree with NF, this style of filmmaking no longer exists and will not be remotely marketable. This, of course, means that yes, Shia LaBouef will be playing West and some bland pop-tart will be playing Megan (Taylor Momsen, Hilary Duff, Lindsay Lohan... take your pick. It doesn't matter). And *that* scene? Won't be in at all. Not even at all.

Next up? An updated re-imagining of Frankenhooker, of course. Only it'll be torture porn.

Ugh. If Jeffrey Combs was dead, he'd be rolling in his grave. No, I'm not bitter at all, why do you ask?

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at March 2, 2009 2:03 PM

Anyone who fucks with Lovecraft, invokes the wrath of Cthulhu and Godtopus by proxy. Of course, some may argue that the original was an abomination to the original works of Howard Phillips...

Posted by: Dexter Morgan at March 3, 2009 4:18 AM

Dexter, you raise an interesting point. Re-animator the film has the same premise as Re-animator the story, but the plot is completely different, and the movie stylistically goes towards horrific grotesquerie instead of dread and horror. If you could overcome the fact that everyone associates Re-animator with the film, there is still room for a faithful adaptation of the original story.

Of course, even if they were going to do that instead, I still wouldn't trust them to make a halfway-decent film.

Posted by: NF at March 4, 2009 12:43 AM