March 2, 2009 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | March 2, 2009 |

You fuckers. You sons of bitching cocksucking anal philanthropists. You wanna remake Friday the 13th, have at it. Halloween? Whatever. Last House on the Left? More power to you. My Bloody Valentine? Have a great time.

But H.P. Lovecraft’s Re-Animator? You’ve gone too far now, Hollywood. I am going to gargle on your small intestines. I’m going to hack off your heads, shove them up your own asses, seal them up, and then re-animate them, so you will literally know what it’s like to live with your head up your ass.

I hate your fire-breathing guts, Hollywood. You’re just mean!

The word: Dr. Herbert West will be resurrected, brought back from perpetual straight-to-DVD sequel hell, and given his very own update. A remake, cob-gobblers. In motherfucking 3D. Because that’s the future, boys and girls. It’s bad enough they’re raping our fond childhood memories, now they’re raping our fond childhood traumas … in 3D.

No word yet on whether they’ll bring back Jeffrey Combs, but it seems unlikely.

Here’s an idea: Let’s remake Hollywood. In Montana. Assholes.

Check out this hilariously creepy scene from the original (NSFW) — ah, youth. I miss you so.

Once You Wake Up the Dead, You Gotta Real Mess On Your Hands

Get a Job in a Sideshow, Bitch / Dustin Rowles

Industry | March 2, 2009 | Comments ()

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