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Ratner Ruins Your Great-Great-Grandparents' Childhood

By | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (34)

065014-snow-white.jpg

I usually think it’s dumb when people kvetch and moan about how a remake is ruining their childhood memories. Maybe it’s because I’m young and it’ll be another 10 years before they remake The Lion King. But this story has got me working on a theory. Perhaps select Hollywood filmmakers are competing to see who can wreck the most cherished memories. If there’s any truth to it, Brett Ratner just took an early lead.

With this Snow White “revisioning”, he’s not just wrecking your memories. He’s getting your parents, and your grandparents, and your great-grandparents from the Old Country. If their spirits still walk the Earth, they’ll be offended.

He’s looking to do a textbook gritty reboot of the story. Take it back to its roots. The grim Brothers Grimm story.

These dwarves aren’t gonna be yo momma’s miners. They’re going to be Robbers! And there’s a DRAGON! Aww yeah. And… oh crap. Brett Ratner says he’s going to inject more comedy into it. And it won’t be as “soft” as Walt Disney’s version.

So we can expect some dick jokes. Hard dick jokes. But how will he give us the “Black Guys Do This. Asian Guys Do THIS.” style of comedy that made audiences fall in love with Rush Hour? I don’t even know why I’m so worked up about this.

*Sigh* Let’s just start a petition to get Allison Brie as Snow White. And Prisco as Peaches, the 8th Dwarf.

Actually, you guys can do better. Joke Dwarf Names, Go.

(Via DeadLine)









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Comments

rumpleforeskin was the best dwarf name i ever heard.

Posted by: gilp at June 4, 2010 6:09 PM

so once Disney have made a movie adaptation of a centuries-old traditional fairy tale, nobody else is allowed to touch it? Ah. I hadn't got that memo.

Posted by: koj at June 4, 2010 6:21 PM

Slappy.

Posted by: MM at June 4, 2010 6:29 PM

All I can envision is a 7 segmented Human Centipede-dwarf. 1 Hi-ho, and a whole lot 'o mumbling.

Posted by: logar at June 4, 2010 6:38 PM

I like the idea of a Grimm version of Snow White, but not by this director. Someone like Alejandro Amenába or Guillermo del Toro.

Posted by: snapnhiss at June 4, 2010 6:47 PM

Okay, so the 7 dwarves are:

Celebrity, Whiny, Blamey, Porny, Druggy, Ethnic Baby and Booby!

Posted by: elzupasmonkey at June 4, 2010 6:55 PM

Shrimp Scampi
Mini Cooper
PeeWee Herman
Minute Man
Little Richard
Tinky Winky

and The Baynis

Posted by: BWeaves at June 4, 2010 7:02 PM

The Seven Pajiban Dwarves:
Dickety.
Stabby.
Bunky.
Bitchy.
Tanky.
Sleazy.
And Drunk.

Posted by: Odnon. at June 4, 2010 7:31 PM

Chug, Chuckles, Barf Barth, Groan, Push, Poke and Sticky.

And don't I remember a gritty enough adaptation that had Sigourney Weaver and Kristin Kreuk? I guess it wasn't 'cause I know I watched it, and all the details are gone.

Posted by: Baldo at June 4, 2010 7:44 PM

My Turn...

Belligerent
Asshole
Itchy
Paranoid
Apathetic
Fucktard
& Douchey

Posted by: bleujayone at June 4, 2010 8:11 PM

How about:

Porny
Asshole
Junky
Itchy
Bitchy
Anal

Posted by: meh at June 4, 2010 8:29 PM

I fucking hate Brett Ratner.

And the seven dwarves are:
Herpes
Syphilis
Gonorrhea
Chlamydia
Crabsy
Hepatitis
Scabies

Oh, wait! Those aren't the dwarf names! Those are the things I want Ratner to contract from dirty pirate hookers!

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at June 4, 2010 8:46 PM

The word Scabies is funny.

Posted by: MM at June 4, 2010 9:01 PM

Scabies is funny, MM. It sounds like it should refer to weird, reptilian, scaly babies.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at June 4, 2010 9:06 PM

Fappy.

Posted by: frank_247 at June 4, 2010 9:07 PM

Heh heh. I was waiting for someone to name their dwarf Fappy. Wait. That makes it sounds like I was waiting for you to name your penis that, frank_247. I wasn't. Promise.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at June 4, 2010 9:14 PM

Baldo you're thinking of 'Snow White: A Tale of Terror' with Sigourney Weaver, Sam Neill, and Monica Keena. It was fantastic. And very dark. And the dwarves were, if I remember correctly, homeless robber-types and not all dwarves.

Watch it if you haven't.

Posted by: VampireGoddess at June 4, 2010 9:28 PM

I think I used to work at the same company at Bitchy the Dwarf. She always drank the last of the coffee and never made a fresh pot. She's one of those stroll-in-at-8:01-leave-at-3:59 charmers, who are always "swamped, just totally swamped".
Also: I suspect she was the one who stole my California Sandwich out of the fridge that time.

I fucking hate that bitch.

Posted by: malechai at June 4, 2010 9:45 PM

Dear Pinky McLadybits,
my penis remains un-named.
Feel free to provide suggestions, viewing optional.

Yours,
Frank.

Posted by: frank_247 at June 4, 2010 9:52 PM

I'll start thinking of names now, Frank!

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at June 4, 2010 10:07 PM

She's one of those stroll-in-at-8:01-leave-at-3:59 charmers, who are always "swamped, just totally swamped".

Hey, just because I work a tight schedule doesn't mean I'm not working hard.

And I didn't eat your damn sandwich. Fucking avocado, who the hell puts that on bread?

Posted by: Bitchy the Dwarf at June 4, 2010 10:23 PM

Drippy
Turgid
Stabby
Leaky
Smelly
Lumpy
and the Beaver

Posted by: Lurker #9 at June 4, 2010 11:34 PM

Oh it's on, Bitchy.
You and your LOL Cats screensaver can go straight to hell.

Posted by: malechai at June 5, 2010 12:10 AM

My sons GF calls him "Gropey" the 8th dwarf.

Posted by: logan at June 5, 2010 12:22 AM

Man, a Snow White remake is bad on it's own, but it wouldn't be nearly as bad if it weren't for the inclusion of Brett Rainer. The guy makes Michael Bay look like Stanley Kubrick.

The last thing we need any more of in this world are reboots, particuarly of the "Grim and Gritty" variety. Haven't people had enough "I'm the god damn Batman's" at this point? Who the fuck wants this movie?

My bet, in addition to lots of fart and dick jokes, is that this movie will include Martin Lawrence and/or Chris Tucker as the "token" dwarf. Just for icing on the shit sundae.

Posted by: Voodoo Lounger at June 5, 2010 12:43 AM

I know the point of this article was that this is a terrible idea. But, if we are playing the what if game, then I will absolutely see any movie that stars alison brie in a snow white costume. *BUNK*

Posted by: "luker" the barbarian at June 5, 2010 1:47 AM

If you're going to go fully dark and creepy, why not just film an adaptation of that alternate intepretation of Snow White that Neil Gaiman wrote? Where Snow is a vampire and the prince is a necrophiliac, IIRC.

Posted by: Aislinn at June 5, 2010 6:16 AM

The best Snow White was Lily Tomlin in 9 to 5.

Posted by: mswas at June 5, 2010 8:19 AM

I've spent a lot of time with one of those dwarves, Pinky McLadybits.

Posted by: superasente at June 5, 2010 8:37 AM

The best Snow White was Lily Tomlin in 9 to 5.

Thank you. THAT is why another movie isn't needed. It's OVER.

Posted by: Jay at June 5, 2010 10:12 AM

Donkey ejaculate!

That's the kind of thing that was the most hilarious thing in the world when I was 15, which is what Bret Ratner's humor is tuned to.

Of course, it's always funny until it happens to you!

Posted by: Leftylad at June 5, 2010 5:04 PM

Bartleby, Shawniqua, Heigl, Tarquin, Walkeen, TinyGayElfinTom, Phil.

Posted by: TWoP_Fan at June 5, 2010 11:56 PM

Listen you douched-testes I am in a to the end battle with Baynis to out dick him while nostalgically having consent-lacking sex with the public's childhood icons. The only way for me to do that is to have slow motion closeups of the smoking hot Snow White's rack and then have a bunch of little people crack wise about the size of their penises.

And FYI dong gobblers the hot topic in this film will not be how asians and blacks are different it will be about how hard it is being a midget (dwarf, fuck it who knows what to call them they are just ball garglers at me and my mates sick parties) as opposed to being a big breasted beauty.

Par example:

You think its hard being a fitty with step-mother issues, I got raisins for balls. It is Ridickulous!

Maybe I should phone Tracey Morgan he could do midget.

Posted by: Rattner, Brett at June 6, 2010 9:31 AM

The alternate Snow White that Aislinn mentions sounds like the story "Red as Blood", by Tanith Lee. Which contains quite a different look at the characters.

Posted by: Pat C at June 7, 2010 2:50 PM