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James Bond Does Not Get Heartsick. Damnit.
Damn You, Paul Haggis / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | September 10, 2008 | Comments (45)

quantum-solace-olga.jpgA second theatrical trailer for the new James Bond film has hit the nets, and in my estimation, it’s got more going for it than not. It’s got Jeffrey Wright, which makes it better than any of the Pierce Brosnan films right there; Daniel Craig is still the coolest Bond since Connery; and I dig the creepy British villain. Still, it is the worst Bond title since … nope … it’s the absolute worst title, second to only Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull for worst title of the year. Also, I’m not feeling the new Bond girl, Gemma Arteron. And finally: Fucking Paul Haggis’ imprint, even in the trailer, is all over this goddamn movie. Fact: Bond doesn’t get hung up on women. And I wish Paul Haggis would leave the romantic relationship drama out of the Bond films.

Bond drinks. He shoots. He fucks. The end. Let’s leave it that way.

Alas, the trailer:









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Comments

Alternate titles:

James Bond in: the Pythagorean Theorum.
James Bond in: Modicum of Gratitude.
James Bond in: Cubic Zirconia is Relatively Permanent.

Posted by: Mella at September 10, 2008 10:07 AM

Fact: Bond doesn't get hung up on women. And I wish Paul Haggis would leave the romantic relationship drama out of the Bond films. Bond drinks. He shoots. He fucks. The end. Let's leave it that way.

Dustin, have you read Casino Royale? Bond actually was heart broken after Vesper's death. His way of dealing with it? Shooting, drinking, and debauchery. But he still has that empty hole in his heart. I think Paul Haggis' contributions are tempered by the Wade/Purvis flair for Bond writing, and I think the "hang ups" have made Bond all the more dangerous and lethal.

Besides, you know it's going to be awesome, so don't stand there for one second and tell us otherwise my good sir.

Posted by: Mike R. at September 10, 2008 10:09 AM

I loved the scene in 'Royale' where he comforts Vesper in the shower. I could have hacked off a good 40 minutes on the rest of their relationship, but I thought that scene was sweet and real.

I did really like when they found the body of his first fling, and you can see that Bond gets it, that it actually affects him that his life is going to contain a considerable amount of collateral damage.

I think the "hang ups" have made Bond all the more dangerous and lethal.

Gotta agree with Mike. I think the more Bond is a character rather than a caricature, the more interesting it is to watch him kick ass.

Posted by: twig at September 10, 2008 10:20 AM

Someone is a bit of a traditionalist.

Posted by: Jessica at September 10, 2008 10:24 AM

The presence of Mathieu Almaric makes any movie better (see Munich). And indeed, Bond was, on occasion, the heartbroken type, if anyone remembers the book On Her Majesty's Secret Service and its aftermath--that was why James Bond wanted to get Blofeld so badly in You Only Live Twice.

Posted by: gina at September 10, 2008 10:25 AM

Bond was married once. But I think Craig's Bond is supposed to predate the marriage. Crap, I need a flowchart (and that is not a euphemism for my period). (period)

Posted by: BWeaves at September 10, 2008 10:28 AM

Will you please, please, PLEASE adopt me? Nothing against my parents, but they told me "dumb" was a curse word and tapped my mouth whenever I said it, and something tells me you'll do a victory dance every time I come up with a new euphemism for human private parts. I consider myself a loving daughter. I'm learning how to play the guitar, I'm a film major and I can impersonate voices. This is either a pro or a con: I'm a shower singer. I don't know if that annoys you. I can't cook (somehow scrambled eggs always end up looking like an omelet), but I enjoy washing dishes. I sing while I wash and dry dishes. I'm great with kids and I will babysit when needed. I'm tall and therefore I don't wear heels (just sneakers) so you'll never catch me cranky. I have good alcohol tolerance, so you'll never have to worry about me getting drunk and flashing the neighbors, but I will flash them if that's what you really want. Mom.

Posted by: Sofía at September 10, 2008 10:38 AM

I'm talking to you, Mella

Posted by: Sofía at September 10, 2008 10:39 AM

Ah, Quantum of Solace, the rich man's Measure of Comfort...

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 10, 2008 10:44 AM

Bond was married once.

And to Diana Rigg, no less, who, of course, doesn't survive the movie. I'd get out of my way after that. And that was the real "fuck this" moment. If we're starting over he's probably still got a bit of softie in there.

I've yet to find a good explanation for the title. It is a title that Fleming used on a totally unrelated little story, so I guess maybe they're reaching for anything that actually came from his hand. But that's like reading that Coldplay got their name from the title of a book of poetry. "Yeah? And? It's still a stupid un-word!"

Posted by: Jay at September 10, 2008 10:44 AM

I like the title, mainly because it will confuse and intimidate the ever-growing "dumb as a sack of buttholes" subset of the population, so they will not be in the theater when I go see it.

P.S. I am an elitist prick (Democrat)

Posted by: firedmyass at September 10, 2008 11:10 AM

Sofia,

I've hired an attorney and I'm getting my personal affairs in order. The adoption agency said they have to perform an inspection of my house, but I'm sure that'll be fine; I have to dust my XXX-Rated Special Moments figurines, but that'll take like, five minutes. Meanwhile, we actually have very few designated "curse words" in our house, but you would do well to learn them. Below is a full list:

1)Butthole (Dude, ew. Just say asshole or, if you're in polite company or at church, a-hole.)

2)Uwe Boll (We pretend he doesn't exist. Mentioning him or his films by name shatters that delicate illusion, and we flip our shit. Beware.)

3)PETA (Yes, we are in fact vegetarians, but PETA and its members are such a sucking chest wound of retarded that it embarrasses us. Also, you will not be required to convert to vegetarianism, because we are not a-holes.)

4)Dick Cheney

I've converted the den to a bedroom for you; we can pick out some nice wallpaper this weekend after we go to the Farmer's Market and then throw free-range eggs at Michael Moore's house. Love you!!

Posted by: Mella at September 10, 2008 11:10 AM

Bweaves it's "Full Stop". God.

Posted by: Amanda47 at September 10, 2008 11:24 AM

Amanda, I never call my period "Full Stop" cause it never does.

Mella, please adopt me, too. I'm with you on #3.

Posted by: BWeaves at September 10, 2008 11:34 AM

Unfortunately, I am unable to see the trailer. All I need to know is if Craig is shirtless while shooting stuff.

Bond did have emotional drama in the begining. How else do you expect him to become the man with nothing left to loose?

Posted by: Melody at September 10, 2008 11:35 AM

daniel craig's bond films are a new timeline not meant to precede any previous film, so they can begin at the start of his career with a clean slate.

the title (worst ever) cam from a short story in 'for your eyes only'.

and vesper was actually one of bond's few true love interests in fleming's novels the other woman being tracy bond, who he marries, but she also dies.

as you can see i'm a huge bond nerd. i do have to admit tho, that i'd like to see a little more traditional return to form where he's a little more 'fuck em, leave em' perhaps for the following one?

looking forward to hearing the theme song most of all! see? big, big nerd.

Posted by: gem at September 10, 2008 11:52 AM

Come to mama, BWeaves.

Posted by: Mella at September 10, 2008 11:53 AM

Mella,
It all sounds like a dream. I have a few questions, though:
1) Where do you stand when it comes to Scarlett Johansson?
2) Is being potty-trained a must?
3) I don't know if an attorney would make things easier. 3 words: foreign single female. I don't think they want me there. But if you have a nice gay friend I could marry we're in business.

Posted by: Sofía at September 10, 2008 11:59 AM

For shame, Dustin. You complain about "not feeling" it for bond girl Gemma Arteron, and then show a picture of the main bond girl, Ukrainian beauty Olga Kurylenko. So which one is it that truly doesn't knock your knickers???

Posted by: Jere at September 10, 2008 12:00 PM

Inane title? Unnecessary teariness? Who cares! I got an adrenaline rush watching that trailer. I still want to be Bond even when he's getting all Oprah on us.

Posted by: Neodiogenes at September 10, 2008 12:05 PM


Mella,

I am so with you on 3). I've taken to adding a
disclaimer when I tell people I'm a veggie ("No,
not the PETA kind of veggie.")

PS. How many bedrooms do you have? I kinda want
to be adopted too.

Posted by: Drake at September 10, 2008 12:07 PM

Plus, I'm a nice gay guy, so I could help out
Sofia. Although, if we're both adopted that would
make her my sister, and that would be weird.

But, I'm from the South, so not TOO weird.

Posted by: Drake at September 10, 2008 12:10 PM

1) I am staunchly anti-ScarJo.
2) None of us are potty-trained. The whole house has wall-to-wall ceramic tile and there's a drain in the middle of the floor in every room.
3) American xenophobia is remarkably fickle and generally limited to Muslims and anyone of Mexican descent, so a saucy Chilean like yourself should have no problems. However, should circumstances require, there is a nice gay who owes me a favor.

Posted by: Mella at September 10, 2008 12:12 PM

Welcome to the fam, Drake. We're kind of like the Sopranos, except we're totally poor and we don't believe in therapy. But we do indiscriminately kill people that piss us off. So maybe we're more like the Mansons?

I have to work on the family motto...

Posted by: Mella at September 10, 2008 12:16 PM

"Bond drinks. He shoots. He fucks. The end."

And yet he never gets them pregnant. Bond's boys are swimming in circles. His way of coping? Drinking, shooting, and more fucking.

Posted by: Alon at September 10, 2008 12:27 PM

James Bond in: Cubic Zirconia is Relatively Permanent.

Holy GOD Mella, that almost made me choke on my Cherry Coke.

Posted by: Julie at September 10, 2008 12:29 PM

2) None of us are potty-trained. The whole house has wall-to-wall ceramic tile and there's a drain inthe middle of the floor in every room.

Wow, I love getting hosed down. I am there!

Posted by: Drake at September 10, 2008 12:32 PM

Sofia I don't know if you've been proposed to on Pajiba yet, but it really happens to everyone so I think this won't be weird. I want your tall, film majoring, boobie-flashing ass. In wedlock. Matrimony. We can discuss Truffaut and you can reach things on shelves for me and I'll cook. I only insist we raise our children as Cephalopodian.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at September 10, 2008 12:32 PM

"I wish I could release you... but your prison's in there."

Aw, hell no. For the love of Godtopus, Haggis, why?

I'll still be seeing this, naturally.

Posted by: Dill The Devil at September 10, 2008 12:40 PM

The whole house has wall-to-wall ceramic tile and there's a drain in the middle of the floor in every room.

That's a big upgrade from my apartment. We have carpets, so the drain is pretty much useless. We do use it for spitting matches, though.

I'm a nice gay guy, so I could help out
Sofia. Although, if we're both adopted that would
make her my sister, and that would be weird. But, I'm from the South, so not TOO weird.

One of my brothers is already married and the other one is studying to be a Jesuit, so your timing is perfect, Drake!

I have to work on the family motto...

I think we could take Bond's "drinks, shoots and fucks."

Posted by: Sofía at September 10, 2008 12:41 PM

Sofia,

That is GOLD. I'm embroidering it onto a sampler right now. Christmas is going to be tits!

Posted by: Mella at September 10, 2008 12:44 PM

It makes sense to me to make him more human in the beginning. I like to think that Bond had to build the calluses on his... heart.

andjunk

Posted by: that bees chick at September 10, 2008 12:54 PM

Off the top of my head: see On Her Majesty's Secret Service (film and book) and the book of You Only Live Twice.

Posted by: hellblazer at September 10, 2008 12:59 PM

Mella,
I've saved you the trouble.
(Check out my link)

Posted by: Sofía at September 10, 2008 1:00 PM

Aaaaand

*orgasm*

Posted by: Mella at September 10, 2008 1:05 PM

Optimus Rhyme,
I'll agree to marry you, but first you must court me. Don't worry, I'm a cheap date in pretty much every sense of the word. Second, you must ask MellaMommy for my hand in marriage. I'm cheap, but I'm traditional.

Posted by: Sofía at September 10, 2008 1:12 PM

Optimus

I'll permit this congress, under the following conditions:

1) You must take our last name. It's Jiveturkey, of the Manhattan Jiveturkeys.

2) For her dowry, I shall require a two liter bottle of root beer and a large bag of Werther's Originals.

3) You have to live with us. I know, it's not customary but I just adopted her like, forty minutes ago, and I'll be damned if you'll take her away now.

Posted by: Mella at September 10, 2008 1:23 PM

James Bond in: Cubic Zirconia is Relatively Permanent.

Mella, I bow down. That made me cackle for a good minute.

Posted by: Shay at September 10, 2008 3:18 PM

You're a Jiveturkey? Why, I am a Brooklyn BadMotorScooter! I'll never take that name! I hope you choke on your root beer. And hard candies are solely for the elderly to open in movie theaters! Sofia, I will court you like a Southern dandy. It'll be all white suits and juleps. Lets run away from all this! Our families will never get along!

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at September 10, 2008 6:09 PM

You still can't let Crash go, can you Rowles :-)

Posted by: Eep at September 10, 2008 7:39 PM

Optimus,
My weakness for all things dandy drives me to say "screw the Jiveturkeys; it's not like we have the same blood."

But my loyalty to MellaMom is much greater than my desire to see you all dressed in white. I will only tell you once: *I'm* wearing the wedding dress, Mister. You wear a dark suit like a real man.

Posted by: Sofía at September 10, 2008 9:21 PM

I don't even watch the Bond films now. I remember one Xmas me and my cousins watched all the Bond films until the late 80s-early 90s. This was ages ago but I remember making fun of Bond with my family, noticing the inherent sexism of the movie itself so I never took the films very seriously ever again. Sure they're fun to watch on occasion, and I do prefer the older ones with Sean Connery, but the whole anticipation of the new Bond and a new femme fatale is beyond me. I'm not sure if it has to do with being a woman....but...whatever...

Posted by: ph at September 11, 2008 10:11 PM

Oh fuck yeah. I have never been much of a Bond fan, but the Daniel Craig movies are kicking my ass.

Posted by: Sponky at September 15, 2008 7:40 AM

Fact: Bond doesn't get hung up on women.

Bullshit. On Her Majesty's Secret Service is a perfect example of Bond getting hung up on women.

Posted by: Less Lee Moore at September 17, 2008 10:27 AM

Bond is back in action as the director says the title may be odd, but the plot is familiar. Yet again I am surprised with the action and technology used by the movie Quantum of Solace .One was Bond's cell phone camera capabilities, it is very much related to the current political frame I think http://www.80millionmoviesfree.com Is where I saw and remarkable movie it will be.

Posted by: shaokora.parisaman at November 14, 2008 5:55 AM