Predator Reboot | Pajiba - Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

I’m At A Loss / TK

Trade News | January 30, 2009 | Comments (85)

Ugh. Sometimes I don’t even know why I get out of bed. So, let’s get right to it so I can return to drinking myself unconscious. Robert Rodriguez is working on a Predator reboot. You remember Predator, right? Awesome action movie, inarguably one of Schwarzenegger’s best movies. Spawned a mediocre sequel, a piss poor crossover with the Alien series, and then a slightly less piss-poor sequel to that crossover?

Anyhoo, yeah. Reboot. Which I totally don’t get. The nice thing about the Predator concept is that it’s basically a series of standalone stories. You don’t need a reboot. And while I’ll always love Rodriguez for From Dusk ‘Til Dawn, Planet Terror, and The Mariachi Trilogy — hell, I even liked Sin City — I just don’t get it. Just make another entry. Why call it a reboot? Are they changing the creature design? You better fucking not.

It’s a goddamn mystery. Rodriguez’s involvement gives me some hope, as long as I continue to pretend that Spy Kids 3-D never friggin’ happened. I’m still annoyed at the reboot concept, though.

Great. Now this will eat at me all fucking day.

Hell with it, impromptu list time. Five best Schwarzenegger films:

5. Total Recall + Terminator 2(Tie)

4. True Lies

3. Terminator

2. Predator

1. Conan The Barbarian

Commando can go piss up a rope. Yeah, I said it.

← Cannonball Leaders January 2009 | 1066 Movie →

Comments

What, no Kindergarten Cop? ("It's not a tumor!") Twins? Red Sonja? Geezy creezy, TK.

Oh, Robert Rodriguez! Please don't make me hate you.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at January 30, 2009 9:52 AM

Commando can go piss up a rope.

Crazy-insane.

But what about "Raw Deal"? Surely "you shouldn't drink and bake" places it over "Total Recall". I've never seen "True Lies" though.

I'd rather watch "Commando" again!

Posted by: Jay at January 30, 2009 9:57 AM

I love True Lies. I was working in Miami during filming, and the building I was in was right across from where they did the scene with the plane on the roof. We also saw them film helicopter crash in the middle of the intersection. Very cool.

Posted by: Cindy at January 30, 2009 10:01 AM

What about Running Man? That was Arnie, no? It's been so long, but I think I liked it. I guess that's not exactly a ringing endorsement.

Posted by: Cindy at January 30, 2009 10:02 AM

You know what could use a reboot/franchise? Junior.

Posted by: Mike R. at January 30, 2009 10:06 AM

FUCK YOU with your Conan at THREE?!?!??!

You are dead to me, TK. DO YOU HEAR ME??? DEAD.

There is ONLY one Scwearechnegiefer movie, and that is MOTHERFUCKING CONAN.

Posted by: boo at January 30, 2009 10:10 AM

*cocks hammer, fingers trigger*

Back the fuck off RIGHT NOW, Rodriguez.

And yes, I said "fingers" "cocks."

Posted by: bucdaddy at January 30, 2009 10:12 AM

Cindy I didn't know you worked in Miami? I worked in downtown Miami for about ten years before I transferred to Austin.

Posted by: Pookie at January 30, 2009 10:14 AM

What's the problem Rodriguez? Just call it Predator 3. Your movie might actually be good, but if you're making a different film (and you better be), why does it need the same name.

The Dawn of the Dead remake was awesome, but it didn't need to be called Dawn of the Dead. You don't need to let yourself be dragged into this! What the fuck Rodriguez?

Posted by: George at January 30, 2009 10:15 AM

Ah, shit. I knew that'd set Boo off. There is only one punishment for me, I suppose...

I shall contemplate this... on the Tree of Woe.

Posted by: TK at January 30, 2009 10:15 AM

We don't want a reboot. We don't want a reboot. We don't want a reboot.

The original was perfectly executed, and I've argued before that there is only one scene that should have been cut. Remember this scene:

The Predator gets a boo-boo, dripping radioactive green blood all over the jungle. He then stops, and channels his inner Rambo - pulling out a medkit, cauterizing the wound, stitching it up, blah blah, macho-man-randy-savage, blah.

Film-makers keep forgetting that aliens are... what's the word? Oh yeah - ALIEN! The audience doesn't need moments like this, designed to "shed some light" on their alien-motivations. Screw that! We aren't supposed to be able to relate to them!

But back to the point:

WE DON'T WANT A REBOOT
News like this makes me want to shoot
Maim, decapitate, eviscerate
Change your mind quick, before it's too late!

Posted by: malikvlc at January 30, 2009 10:15 AM

I used to babysit for a couple that didn't have cable or a DVD player, and the only tape they had was baby einsteins and Predator. I've seen predator probably 30 times. To this day, I think its only of the best sci-fi action films ever. To reboot it is to ruin my high school memories.

Posted by: Marra at January 30, 2009 10:18 AM

malikvlc's post reminds me... when is someone going to review a movie entirely in Haiku? I keep meaning to ask.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at January 30, 2009 10:19 AM

Oh no. Predator was one of those films I watched as a kid that's still a favourite. No no no. I do a mean impression of the Predator too.

Actually Arnie's films seem to be a staple of my childhood faves. Terminator, Predator and Total Recall. All brilliant. Leave it alone people!

Posted by: Carrie at January 30, 2009 10:21 AM

Red Sonya. Best movie ever! And Arnold played "Conan-Who-Is-Not-Really-Conan." I always loved that.

Posted by: Snath at January 30, 2009 10:23 AM

Geezy creezy, TK.

"Don't call me Geezy Creezy, Dad! I've toldja!"

Posted by: Sean at January 30, 2009 10:24 AM

"I shall contemplate this... on the Tree of Woe."

Fuck yes you will. And then I will shoot you in the back with my charmed snake, and you will die. I will then celebrate by getting drunk, shagging Sandahl Bergman in a bed of jewels, and punching a camel.

Posted by: boo at January 30, 2009 10:24 AM

Oh and Mac was my favourite. But Poncho was up there too.

Stick around. :)

Posted by: Carrie at January 30, 2009 10:24 AM

I have only seen... one of the movies on this list. (Terminator 2)

Clearly, my life is lacking in Ah-nuld.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at January 30, 2009 10:25 AM

Small world Pookie. I worked for a brokerage firm for a couple of years. Lived in the hole that is Fort Lauderdale.

Posted by: Cindy at January 30, 2009 10:26 AM

Boo obviously knows what is best in life.

To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women.

Posted by: branded at January 30, 2009 10:28 AM

Predator is probably one of my favorite movies, my favorite Arnold movie definitely (edging out T2 because of it's raw super-manliness), and definitely my favorite action movie. But I have to disagree with malikvlc, the only scene they should have cut was the very first scene of the Predator's spaceship dropping him off on earth. If you don't know there's an alien in the jungle right away, it would make for a much tenser first act.
But to the point: Reboot? So like Predator 1 all over again? No no no no no! Just craft a new story in a new environment. How about in the future? Or the past? Just mix it up a little! Hell, have the Predator come to Sin City and fuck with Mickey Rourke.

Posted by: Kevbo at January 30, 2009 10:32 AM

Ask and you shall receive Anna.

" Taken"

daughter kidnaped
old habits resurface
justice delivered

Posted by: Pookie at January 30, 2009 10:32 AM

Sonja*

Posted by: Snath at January 30, 2009 10:34 AM

What about that one where Arnold does Shakespeare?

Posted by: BWeaves at January 30, 2009 10:38 AM

All of the movies on TK's list are childhood favorites. Hollywood needs to leave Predator the hell alone! There is nothing wrong with the series, with perhaps the exception of the Alien vs. Predator bullshit. How about if Hollywood just forgets that debacle and starts where the last Predator movie left off.

Shit, where is a real Predator when you need him? He could sneak into the production offices, kill them all, and nip this thing in the bud.

Posted by: stardust savant at January 30, 2009 10:40 AM

Thanks Pookie! I did not expect gratification that instant. You are the awesome.

My dad loved Red Sonja. I think it was the boobies.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at January 30, 2009 10:41 AM

Kevbo point taken - I had actually managed to scour that opening scene from my mind. So, to set the record straight - my stance is there are two scenes that, once removed from the film, raise it from greatness to mythical-near-unattainable status.

Similar to Monica Belluci's poontang.

Posted by: malikvlc at January 30, 2009 10:41 AM

malikvlc,

The only part that bothered me was when Arnie crawls out of the river all muddy and shit, and the predator looks right at him and obviously can't see him, and when it leaves Arnie looks at himself and announces, "He can't see me." Duh.

Well, that and the fact Arnie survives what looks like Nagasaki at the end.
---
"You Are One Ugly Motherfucker"

Misquote. Arnie doesn't verbs.

Posted by: bucdaddy at January 30, 2009 10:47 AM

I can't believe this is even up for a debate. "Conan" features James Earl Jones in a Cher wig firing snakes at people. You can't top that.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at January 30, 2009 10:53 AM

Tracer Bullet: Marry me.

AND, if you watch carefully, JEJ doesn't blink throughout the ENTIRE movie. Just like a snake, man. Love him.

Posted by: boo at January 30, 2009 10:55 AM

Totally unnecessary.

Predator is a great movie. I even loved Predator 2. I think it's a highly underrated action movie, despite the fact that Danny Glover isn't all that convincing of a bad ass. I just liked the feel and atmosphere of the movie and the idea of a Predator in an urban environment.

I never liked True Lies.

Posted by: Forbiddendonut at January 30, 2009 10:56 AM

So I guess this means I should watch Conan the Barbarian at some point before I die? Noted.

I love True Lies. I like any movie where Jamie Lee Curtis dances in her underwear and Bill Paxton pees his pants.

Posted by: Julie at January 30, 2009 10:58 AM

I don't know Haikus, but would a song suffice? I'll follow Pook's lead and do something on Taken:

(to the tune of Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah)

Liam Neeson's
daughter's missing.
His great anger,
will leave you pissing.

In your pants or,
in a diaper.
If you hurt her,
he'll kill your ass like a viper.

He does not know,
who you are.
But he'll leave you,
with some scars.

On your face or,
in your anus.
Then you bleed to death
and it will entertain us.

Posted by: Mike R. at January 30, 2009 10:59 AM

Well there goes next week's top comment. Gee whiz Mike, how many fucking T-Shirts do you need?

Posted by: Pookie at January 30, 2009 11:04 AM

Oh, THIS is the thread with the Taken reviews. Excellent.

Also, T2 is practically a textbook on how to make an excellent sequel to an excellent movie.

Posted by: twig at January 30, 2009 11:05 AM

See this movie,
and enjoy it.
Liam Neeson,
need employment.

And besides it
surely will be,
the only Fox release this year
that's audience worthy!

(sorry, forgot the last two verses)

Posted by: Mike R. at January 30, 2009 11:05 AM

In Conan the Barbarian Arnold punches a camel's lights out. For that reason alone it should be number 1.

Posted by: Alex the not so odd at January 30, 2009 11:07 AM

Julie: Yes, see both the Conan movies before you die, but especially The Barbarian. Supremely, gloriously enjoyable.

Posted by: Snath at January 30, 2009 11:09 AM

T2 in Haiku

Good machine or bad
Fate of man in the balance
Damn Sarah Connor's ripped

Skynet goes online
Launches missiles, destroys earth
John Connor our only hope

Arnold is stoic
Hasta la vista, baby
Watch this movie soon

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at January 30, 2009 11:14 AM

Pookie, I'm still trying for my first. =P

Posted by: Mike R. at January 30, 2009 11:14 AM

I believe to this day that Milius's Conan The Barbarian is an art film. I've been thinking about it, and you know what? Boo is right.

Fucking fixed.

Posted by: TK at January 30, 2009 11:17 AM

Genny, your haiku makes me envision T2 as if it were a French Art House film. Ripped women, death and destruction, and at least one domineering German...yep, you hit all the points in the formula.

Posted by: Mike R. at January 30, 2009 11:18 AM

Boo...can't WE\\WE just bang on the bed of jewels instead?? Cuz that would be super sweet.

Posted by: PissBoy at January 30, 2009 11:20 AM

WOOHOOO!!!

Wise decision, TK. We can recommence with your having my babies now.

We will name them all Conan, and they will dominate the world as leaders of the Sweater Vest Zombie revolution. It will be so beautiful.

Posted by: boo at January 30, 2009 11:21 AM

You can have my babies too, PissBoy.

But we will name these babies Destroyer. And they will herald the coming of the new age.

But just a sidenote: The bed of jewels wouldn't work for us. We need an alley at night where we can make it against the wall, just to the left of the passed-out drunk man that wakes enough to think he has seen the Angel of Doom come to take his life. He will pass back out when I toss my panties on his face and tell him to stop fucking breathing in my direction.

Posted by: boo at January 30, 2009 11:29 AM

Look at THAT Boo, you made TK alter his list! Make him do something else. Make him say that Big Trouble in Little China is not half as good as Far and Away, or that he loves Britney Spears' new album. Something that will crush his soul.

Posted by: Julie at January 30, 2009 11:29 AM

Not even I have that kind of power, Julie.

Posted by: boo at January 30, 2009 11:30 AM

"We will name them all Conan, and they will dominate the world as leaders of the Sweater Vest Zombie revolution. It will be so beautiful."

I call Nanny. Period. There is no discussion to be had. Wendel and I will raise them well in the ways of hate and bitterness. I've had the MurderTank fitted for car seats, and there's a sippy-cup attachment fixed to the whiskey fountain.

I hope they enjoy Thai food...

Posted by: Skitz at January 30, 2009 11:32 AM

This whole list-changing power that boo wields is eerily similar to the Conan movie tagline:
"He conquered an empire with his sword. She conquered HIM with her bare hands."

Posted by: branded at January 30, 2009 12:05 PM

I ain't got time 'ta watch a crappy reboot.

Posted by: Melissa at January 30, 2009 12:09 PM

Putting T2 as Arnold's 5th best film is ludicrous. It's arguably the best action movie of all time.

Posted by: Andy at January 30, 2009 12:15 PM

Genny, I bow before your Haiku mastery. And Mike R., I love your song! Songs *are* also acceptable, as are limericks.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at January 30, 2009 12:38 PM

AvB, just for that I'll give you little something for the ride home.

(to the tune of "We Don't Want Another Hero")

We don't want another reboot.
We don't want another shit-fest.
All we know is that we're sick of, these tired flicks.

Thanks folks, you've been great! I'm playing the Green Room in AC this weekend, be sure to tip your waitress.

Posted by: Mike R. at January 30, 2009 12:49 PM

Valor pleases you, TK... so grant me one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you!

I don't know what that means in this context, but I love that quote. Best way to pray.

Posted by: Snath at January 30, 2009 12:52 PM

"Life" in Haiku

Girl tries to pay for college
loans are not available
my friend has a strip club

dreams achieved education attained
dance no more
the sun shines

job lost income stops
mouths to feed
my friend has a strip club

Posted by: Pookie at January 30, 2009 12:57 PM

Bush out of office
twins now have to get a job
friend owns a strip club

Posted by: Snath at January 30, 2009 1:03 PM

Fuck that T2 all the fucking way. Though i think kindergarten cop should be on the list. It was Arnie branching out to be a funny man.

Posted by: Sean M at January 30, 2009 1:06 PM

Good luck trying to find two bodybuilders/future governors who can deliver lines like "I ain't got time to bleed" and "Get to the choppa"

Posted by: Dave at January 30, 2009 1:32 PM

Oh! Oh! And Last Action Hero! How awesome was that?

Not as awesome as everybody's mad poemical skillz today, but awesome nontheless.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at January 30, 2009 1:50 PM

Anna, i'm gonna go out on a limb and support you on the Last Action Hero props. That shit was ahead of it's time. Arnold spoofing Arnold when it was still cool to be Arnold.

If it weren't for Austin O'Brian (WTF happened to that guy?!) LAH would have been great. Also, he should have made it around the time he did T3. The old, grizzled action hero/cop, lampooning himself and his career, then *poof*

he's gone.

Posted by: Some Guy at January 30, 2009 3:39 PM

And props have to be given to "Pumping Iron"

I don't know if you all have seen him in that as himself, but he is a sight to behold, physically and personally. The man was a born politician and Pumping Iron is proof of that.

Posted by: some Guy at January 30, 2009 3:40 PM

My niece was born on my birthday. I got to pick her middle name.

I chose VALERIA.

CONAN FUCKING RULES.

Posted by: Cletus at January 30, 2009 3:44 PM

You can have my babies too, PissBoy.

But we will name these babies Destroyer. And they will herald the coming of the new age.

...you should write romance novels boo. LaVyrle Spencer ain't got nothin on you. Cuz that just got me all tumescent.

Now the only debate would be would I be grunting your real name or boo while giving your back a brick-outline tattoo and pulling your hair.

Posted by: PissBoy at January 30, 2009 3:46 PM

Oh, that's easy PissBoy. They go together like leather whips and plastic ties.

And, together, they make the name of an animal, so that is fun too!

Funny, I have totally though about writing erotica. Maybe I will pursue this in lieu of fantasizing about it all the time. :)

Posted by: boo at January 30, 2009 4:06 PM

Writing erotica would be awesome just because I would simply write down every fucked up situation I wish I was in, be descriptive, and try to give my characters substance. But I would never get past 'The night was humid...' before I had to go and bump one out.

I'm probably one of 4 people on earth who can think about velcro, 4 shorn rabbit, and a pie tin and get a hard-on.

Posted by: PissBoy at January 30, 2009 4:35 PM

And, together, they make the name of an animal, so that is fun too!

Boo, I'm totally calling you that animal from now on.

Posted by: Julie at January 30, 2009 4:40 PM

Aw, man! Nobody told me it was Haiku Friday at Pajiba. Man, y'all gotta send out a memo when it's Iambic Pentameter Wednesday.

Posted by: Kayanne at January 30, 2009 4:41 PM

Iambic Pentameter Wednesday.

You know that would just devolve into virtual fist fights over the qualities of Italian Sonnets versus English Sonnets with the smart asses extolling the virtues of the Spenserian Sonnet. The streets would run with blood before the day was out.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at January 30, 2009 5:06 PM

It's a "reboot" so that they can justifiably directly copy the characters and situations in the first film. What a load of BS. Predator still stands easily above any movie of its ilk that is being produced today.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at January 30, 2009 5:41 PM

No love for "Junior"?

Meh, Arnie seems to be a better governator than actor anyway.

I really don't know about this reboot Robert. You change too much and the fans are going to just ignore your movie, and lets face it, the fans are the only market this movie will have.

Change too little and what's the point?

This is all Christopher Nolan's fault. Damn him and his successful, inspired productions!

Perhaps the main difference is going to be that the Pred will be CGI.

Posted by: Bane at January 30, 2009 7:05 PM

The night was SULTRY, dammit.

Posted by: boo at January 30, 2009 8:21 PM

And slated to top the list in future: Governator: Girlie Men Exempted

Wait, that's not a movie? Wow, I love this state!

Posted by: yocean at January 30, 2009 9:03 PM

Joke not funny, I call cop on you.

Posted by: Pookie at January 30, 2009 9:33 PM

Fuck a reboot, just do Predator 3. Have the predator chase Bear Grylls through a random jungle for a couple days until Bear kills it with a slingshot made out of a python skin and a parrot's wishbone. Bear then explains how you can survive a nuclear blast by covering all exposed skin in monkeyshit while running away in a serpentine fashion, roll credits

Posted by: rajleo at January 31, 2009 9:32 AM

I KNOW this bitch ain't ragging on Commando..

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 31, 2009 1:47 PM

Slim....I think the world is ragging on "Commando".

Not that that excuses TK here though.

And I have to admit this thread's made me a little wistful for ol' Miss Nielsen. I mean, the woman's still a brick house, but I kinda miss the glory days.

And have you ever wanted to cut a slice of pizza with scissors just because Cobra did?

Posted by: Jay at January 31, 2009 2:23 PM

Rodriguez is still on my shit list until Machete becomes a feature-length film.

Posted by: HCE at January 31, 2009 8:39 PM

Nice to see you come around on Conan. However, I think Total Recall could move up the list.
"See you at the party Richter!"

Posted by: Handel at January 31, 2009 8:58 PM

Surely "The Running Man" edges "Total Recall" out though.

Is Richard Dawson in "Total Recall"?

Exactly.

(I do have a soft spot for Sharon Stone though. You saw "Sphere", right? Radiant!)

Posted by: Jay at January 31, 2009 9:25 PM

As far as I'm concerned, True Lies shouldn't even be on this list. With the exception of Jamie Lee Cutis' dance number the rest of the movie was shite.

However it is possible that I only feel this way because I saw the movie at the drive-in with my longtime girl-friend and didn't even get a tickle. Fuckin' tease.

Anyway, put Eraser or Commando on this bitch, then we're good.

Posted by: admin at February 1, 2009 1:41 AM

Eraser? Commando?

You do realize it's a "best" movies list, not a "Absolute Shittiest" list, right?

I mean, it's cool if you didn't catch that part, I just felt I should clear that up.

Posted by: TK at February 1, 2009 8:49 AM

Nice job clearing it up for us. So it's shittiest, right? Otherwise why would you have True Lies there.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 1, 2009 9:24 AM

You guys are fucked up.

A post on Predator and you're discussing haiku? Give me a goddamn sexual tyrannosaur, at least.

Just. Like. Me.

Posted by: Peter G at February 1, 2009 5:30 PM

Its worse than any of you think; go look through the recent posts on io9. The gloss for the movie is something like "A band of commandos fight an army of violent aliens in the jungle". Yeah, plural. Any movie that says Earthers are more than just barely a match for a single Predator should just have a different name.

Posted by: Julian at February 2, 2009 12:56 AM

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