katiecrying.jpg

Praise Xenu, I'm Coming Home

By Brian Prisco | Trade News | August 25, 2010 | Comments ()

By Brian Prisco | Trade News | August 25, 2010 |


katiecrying.jpg

We've spoken often of the Adam Sandler Curse -- where a young, still marketable actress stars opposite Bonerrific and is suddenly cast into an oubliette never to be heard from again. But I've never heard of actresses willingly using Sandler to deliver the coup de grace. Then again, that's how people off themselves when they're in a cult. Chug that Kool-Aid, Katie. The comet, she's a-comin for to carry thee home.

Holmes has signed on to Jack and Jill -- a "comedy" where an obnoxious man-child's twin sister comes for Thanksgiving dinner and then refuses to leave. Of course, Adam Sandler will be playing the put upon Jack and as for the cah-razay twin sister Jill ... Sandler will ALSO be playing that part. Because nothing's funnier than watching a shouty funny-voiced man in drag shout at the digital installation of himself, right, Eddie Murphy? Holy shit and shove me in it. Good night, Katie Holmes. If getting iced from the Batman franchise wasn't a kick in the tits, this oughta just plastic grocery bag over the head any instances of your re-emergence.

Of course, this will make a billion fucking dollars at the box office, feature cameos from five or six actors who need a boat, because Lord knows that Adam Sandler and his minions need bumper boats for their indoor office pool to creatively "stimulate" them while trying to hatch their latest plot to spin me into an early grave. You know, like when you throw bananas into that office full of monkeys on typewriters? Only those monkeys write Shakespeare -- Sandler's monkeys just smear shit in each other's hair and film it and make lots and lots of money.

Didn't tell you the best part! Al Pacino is going to ALSO star in Jack and Jill as ... Al Pacino. Pacino's at that point in his career where he actually could be taking the "Fuck You Grandpa" parts -- the one's Nicholson stopped doing after he got too fat to fit in his front row Oscar tux. The only problem is, Pacino's been chewing scenery for the past two decades, so it's not any different than what he's already been doing. I imagine the script just says "Hoo-rah" and "Say hello to my lil' friend" and "cock-a-roach" about 20 times -- in between the peanut butter and marshmallow fluff handprint stains -- so Pacino will just say whatever the fuck he wants.

Jesus. It's like watching someone wind up to jump on the subway tracks as the trains come in. You'll never get there in time to save them, so you best get a seat with a good view of the carnage.



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