Hold on to your asses, folks, because I’m here to drop some Twilight knowledge on you. Yes, I know, I’ve never even touched one of the books, I couldn’t name a single character, I never even saw a trailer for the first one, and at the moment, I forget the damn author’s name too. But if that piece of crap can make a bajillion dollars, than I can write about this.
Apparently, there’s going to be a sequel, called New Moon. Well, this isn’t even about that. They’ve already greenlit the third entry, called Eclipse (ooh! so mysterious! so intriguing! GET! FUCKED!). That’s ridiculous, but more ridiculous are the current directorial candidates. Apparently, the first candidate is James Mangold. Mangold is responsible for some damn fine flicks, like Cop Land, 3:10 To Yuma, and Girl, Interrupted.
The other possibility is Juan Antonio Bayona, the Spanish director who made 2007’s excellent The Orphanage.
What the fucking fuck is going the fuck on around here? First Catherine Hardwicke, who did the remarkable Thirteen, gets sucked into Twilight. Chris Weitz (The Golden Compass, was tapped for New Moon but he’s no big deal. But this? Look, just because Harry Potter gets a couple of decent directors, now any crapass book with magic and teen angst shows up, and quality directors are banging down the doors?
Because I’m bored and a little drunk, I did some Youtube searching for Twilight. I found this. It’s ten seconds long, and perfect in every way.
These folks seem to be under the impression that this "phenomenon" will have legs. I'm putting my money on the theory that by the time the next steaming pile rolls into theaters, our ADD afflicted youth will have moved on.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 19, 2009 5:07 PM
The important question is will they do the fourth book with the not-really-rape and the vampire baby that claws itself out of her before falling in love with her other boyfriend.
Eh. I'd roll him. He has to use his British accent, though. And maybe get some sun first.
Posted by: Clee Shay at January 19, 2009 5:08 PM
Oh, twig.
Thank you, thank you.
Posted by: Jerce at January 19, 2009 5:12 PM
Thanks Twig!
Those comics say it all much better than the frothing-at-the-mouth outrage I usually come up with.
Posted by: grinder at January 19, 2009 5:29 PM
My sister recently informed me that my eyes are occasionally the same color as one of those dippy vampire's eyes. I told her if I was a vampire she wouldn't be making that observation because she'd already be dead, because that's what vampires DO.
Good Lord but the vampires need a better PR person if they best they can come up with is sparkly magical rainbows and unicorns style vampires.
Now I just inadvertently made myself think of that damn Uniporn. I'm gonna go drink bleach.
Wait... it's 5 in the afternoon, and you're drunk already?
TK, you are kind of my hero.
twig, that second comic is teh awesome. That is actually how it goes, no shit. The funniest part is, you can see the Jacob/baby thing coming from somewhere in the middle of the second book, when they talk about the bonding with Jacob's pack leader and his girlfriend. It's completely ridic. And the rape/not rape thing.. that is the thing that disturbs me the most when I think about the core audience of these books. Young girls are already all swept away by the "romance", and then they are led to believe it's okay to wake up covered in bruises after having sex with your boyfriend? Ugh. I get so upset about that, my grammar skills go right out the window.
And why ARE all the good directors hopping on this? It's certainly not going to be a gravy train like HP... or at least, one hopes not.
Posted by: Anna von Beaverpatz at January 19, 2009 5:36 PM
Don't forget, Meyer has admitted that she has no idea what she's talking about. It's like the Star Wars thing, she's telling a vampire story without having seen or read them. Literally.
AvB EXACTLY... these books are NOT what young girls should be reading and thinking "oh *swoon* I can't WAIT until I get a boyfriend who stalks me and breaks into my house to watch me sleep and gets mad if another boy talks to me and won't let me go anywhere on my own" ick
the rape/not rape was ten shades of gross... stupid bella didn't even MIND that she had bruises everywhere... I am ashamed that I have read these books (I LOVE vampire lit and so I read them because there were THERE... I must be punished and so I open the floor to suggestions) and meyers made up so much shite with all the sparlking and going out into the sun... but the vampire baby and the werewolf "falling in love" was crossing a line...
Posted by: Tammers at January 19, 2009 6:07 PM
Mrs. Stipe42 was invited to go see Twilight on the day it hit theatres with a group of co-workers who were obsessed with the books (although they were self-aware enough to be apologetic about it at least). She borrowed the first book from one of the cadre and sat down to read it in the week before the movie came out, on the premise that the book is always better than the movie, so it's important to read the book first.
A hundred pages in, she gave the book back, and told them that she'd rather stay at work that Friday afternoon than ditch to see that on screen.
Posted by: stipe42 at January 19, 2009 6:08 PM
I'm sorry Jay, are you suggesting there is some way you could make the current vampire craze more "accurate", or less ridiculous by reading more on the subject?
Bottom of the second page. Her name's Melissa Rosenberg and from that link: she was "given only six weeks" to write the screenplay for Twilight.
I bought a ticket to her special luncheon do. Any questions/preguntas you'd like me to ask of Ms. Rosenberg?
Posted by: Anastasia Beaverhausen at January 19, 2009 6:21 PM
TK:
Doesn't the state of Massachusetts give you MLK Day off? What are you dping online all day?
Posted by: PaddyDog at January 19, 2009 6:22 PM
Well, what I mean is that Meyer's slipshod mythology can barely be considered part of the genre. It's kind of like when I asked a gay friend if Nathan Lane is gay. "We don't want him". In regards to vampire PR, as Rusty said, I can imagine them saying "uh....thanks, but really...no thanks. You're not helping". Monster Romance is a huge market for adults (mixing with Immortal Highlander Romance [and sometimes they're vampires or werewolves too] and Aquaman Romance) but I think it's hilarious how they at least acknowledge their lore but rig up ways to still make the monsters pretty harmless and appealing, while Meyer goes "Hell, I dunno....do they?" She's accidentally created her own Mormon Monsters genre.
Well, the Freudian slip typo of the day competition is clearly over.
Posted by: stipe42 at January 19, 2009 6:32 PM
Am I the only one who thinks this intense, neurotic,anti-Twilight campaign found around these parts is almost pathologically weird. Teen trends come and go. I'm not saying it's any good. It's a shity teen thing and, just like any other shity teen thing, I didn't give a rats ass one way or the other. It wasn't until Pajiba flipped it's shit over the whole thing that I even noticed at all. Oh, and by the way, being an adult that's not into twilight is not something to be proud of, It makes you not a creepy loser and that all.
Posted by: Jeff at January 19, 2009 6:35 PM
Just be happy you don't work in books, I've been suffering through every shitty trend for about nine years now. Can't speak for the rest.
I think the neuroses for these phenomena grow out of the tunnel vision idiocy of many non-readers. You know the ones, who see you carrying a book, or hear you mentioning you have read actual written words in the last decade, and the first question out of their mouths is "OMG, you read, did you read Twilight/Harry Potter/etc?" because they have only ever heard of two or three books, so naturally anyone who has ever read a book must have read those books, because as far as they know, there are no other books.
It's the literary equivalent of telling someone from Los Angeles that you like to travel, and immediately being asked "That is so cool, have you ever been to Orange County?"
Posted by: stipe42 at January 19, 2009 6:52 PM
Jeff... it makes ME sad because Twilight and the main characters are being championed as a modern day romeo and juliet (they are NOT) and the books are poorly written (like fanfiction at best) and are not books or characters that teenagers should be relating to... they are HORRIBLE role models and it pains me to think that a generation of teenage girls are going to grow up idolizing Edward Freaking Cullen, an abusive, controlling, manipulative stalker.
and in the end... the protagonist doesn't have to loose or give up anything... its worse than a sugary disney ending... she gets it all and more... all neatly wrapped up in a pretty bow...
I guess as a female I am offended that girls are being exposed to this kind of crap when there are sooo many better alternatives...
Posted by: Tammers at January 19, 2009 6:58 PM
Oh, and by the way, being an adult that's not into twilight is not something to be proud of, It makes you not a creepy loser and that all.
Being not a creepy loser sounds like one in the win column to me.
Posted by: branded at January 19, 2009 7:36 PM
Being not a creepy loser sounds like one in the win column to me.
I think his point is that expressing your disappointment with Twilight is on the same level with refusing to walk around all day with one hand in your nose and the other down your pants. It's really only something a 2 year old would enjoy.
Posted by: the_wakeful at January 19, 2009 7:48 PM
If people are comparing these characters to Romeo and Juliet, they are just idiots.
The Twilight series is just fluffy nutterfluffer. I've read the first three books and have started the fourth. I'm reading them because my daughter got into them, marathon-read them over Christmas, and now wants me to finish. So it's a....bonding thing. We can talk about the books because we've both read them. And she's 14, so I'm not going to discourage a healthy reading habit. AND I know she also reads classics, both for school and on her own (she's getting through The Odyssey now).
So yeah. It's fluff. Mindless. It's NOT very well-written. But neither is most of the stuff that's published, if you ask me. Toni Morrison and Charles Frazier and David Sederis (even he's hit or miss) et al don't come along all that often. Go to your local bookstore and take a long browse. Now how many of those books would you consider to be exceptionally well-written? Not many. Some are just entertainment. And that's ok.
That's what Twilight is. And hey, I'd say about 90% of the girls at my daughter's middle school have DEVOURED these books. The teachers grabbed on to it and started a book club and now they've moved on to other books, other genres. Think of it as a gateway drug--if it gets reluctant readers reading, we can always hook 'em on the harder stuff later.
Posted by: Anastasia Beaverhausen at January 19, 2009 7:49 PM
I think his point is that expressing your disappointment with Twilight is on the same level with refusing to walk around all day with one hand in your nose and the other down your pants.
I understood his point that not crapping your pants shouldn't make you proud of yourself (double negative alert!). I'm joking that some days our standards are lower than others.
Personally, my hands stay out of my nose, but having them down your pants keeps the extremities warm. I'm nothing if not gallant.
Posted by: branded at January 19, 2009 8:13 PM
I have to thank you, TK. I've been crying all day since my grandpa is dying, and that clip made me laugh out loud. No "lol" crap, I mean a solid, out loud, full bodied laugh that the other tenants in my building probably heard. Thanks.
Posted by: KatSings at January 19, 2009 9:27 PM
it makes ME sad because Twilight and the main characters are being championed as a modern day romeo and juliet (they are NOT) ... they [The Twilight Snots] are HORRIBLE role models
Uh, Tammers am I supposed to take from this that you feel that Romeo and Juliet are good role models?
Let us not forget that Romeo "fell in love" with Juliet because some other piece of poon rejected him and that they are both under the age of 16. Also, they effing killed themselves. It always weirds me out that people consider R&J the most romantic love story EVAH! I mean, what happened to pragmatism and maturity in a relationship? And wasn't Ol' Shakey writing this as a send out for the impetuousness of youngsters and a shake down to people who fight over stupid shit?
Also, do not take this as a validation for those asshats. They can fucking sink in Shakespeare's decaying shit.
Posted by: Kayanne at January 19, 2009 10:33 PM
For the final movie, they will have Francis Ford Coppola, George Lucas, and Stephen Spielberg work together. Eat your heart out Clone Wars, Indy 4, War of the Worlds, and Godfather III.
Posted by: George at January 19, 2009 10:39 PM
Pragmatism, not idealism? Without those two kids we wouldn't have "Talk Show Host"!
Besides...Skywalker and Amidala. There's your modern tragic couple, obviously.
Besides...Skywalker and Amidala. There's your modern tragic couple, obviously.
Good point, Jay. I'm trying to think of some of my other ill-fated fictional couples in history. Loved Gregory Peck and Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday and for a while Jim and Pam fit the bill... What happened to good love tragedies? Someone please do a column for this for Valentine's Day. You know, for us pathetic singles spending another one of those holidays alone. *gags on the rising self-pity*
Posted by: Kayanne at January 19, 2009 11:18 PM
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon had a good romantic tragedy (or two even? I don't quite remember). And Mulder and Scully, kinda, if you don't count anything after season 5.
Posted by: s. pisaster at January 19, 2009 11:28 PM
also the aforementioned Cowboy Bebop. Nobody was lucky in love in that show.
Posted by: s. pisaster at January 19, 2009 11:29 PM
It wouldn't matter if they were good, bad, or ugly directors going for this movie. This same post would exist with most of the same words in it, complaining merely because Twilight was made. Hopefully these fantastic directors will elevate the pansy ass, girly vampire series Stephenie Meyer wrote.
Posted by: Get Your Heads Out Of Your Asses at January 20, 2009 1:08 AM
I love my friends, let me preface with that. However, they are the theater kids. You know, loud, obnoxious, usually wearing some form of glitter singing showtunes in the grocery store. They're the theater kids....grown up. Sometimes going places with them is embarassing, that mess is cute (or not, really not) when you're 13...not 25.
They went absolutely apeshit for Twilight. I mean made 'I heart Edward' tee shirts saw the midnight premier crazy. I think it's intervention time. We're grown for Christsakes
Posted by: Porkchop at January 20, 2009 3:03 AM
I get that 14 year olds read this shit. They're 14 and most of them don't know better. Hell, I used to devour V.C Andrews books when I was 14...the ones that weren't even written by Virginia Andrews because she was, in fact, dead by the time I was 14, but written by god-knows-who to make money of idiot 14 year old girls like me. Whatever. They get teenagers reading and maybe that might lead to teenagers actually THINKING and that might be a nice change.
I do NOT understand anyone over the age of about 18 reading this shit. OK I get why they might read it...but enjoy it? Obssess over it? Please. If you want to obssess over something cheesy and fantastical, at least make it worthwhile. Watch 'Doctor Who', for instance.
Rach, well when your friends over 18 ask your opinion on what they should be reading, then you can tell them to read Dr. Who. However, I know plenty of adults who read the Twilight series and managed not to lose any brain cells in the process and are still normal, fully-functioning adults. Shrug.
It's just a matter of likes and dislikes. Who cares?
Posted by: Anastasia Beaverhausen at January 20, 2009 9:51 AM
I just really wanna give props to stipe42 for his freudian slip dping comment up there. Props, stipe42. And I mean PROPS. props. What? i like the word!
Posted by: jamiepant at January 20, 2009 10:30 AM
KatSings, I'm sorry to hear that, and glad I could help in some small way. Best wishes.
I was dragged to see the first one over the weekend...and I laughed my ass off. If you watch it as a comedy, it's perfect! Not to mention Stewart and Pattinson's performances are only rivaled in enthusiasm by Harrison Ford's voiceover in the studio cut of Blade Runner.
That out of the way, I'm hoping Chris Weitz golden compasses this shit, because we got robbed out of a truly good trilogy of fantasy movies thanks to that asshat. The least he can do is put a bad foursome out of its misery. Maybe Edward can fuck a pie and Bella can stick a flute in her hoo-hah before making Eddie her "bitch". Smell that...that's box office poison.
i hate twilight and that edward cullen twat.
the link doesn't work from the main page.