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Poltergeist Remake Gets a Director … Wait? A Poltergeist Remake?
Remakes / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | September 3, 2008 | Comments (40)

poltergeist.jpgFuck. Me. Running. A while back, I reviewed Poltergiest, if only to force myself to watch it again for the first time since I was a kid. And as the review suggested, while Poltergeist was terrifying back in 1982, when some of us were still not yet teenagers, I was surprised, re-watching it, at just how tame and family-friendly the movie was. This was the movie that gave me nightmares, that had me hiding behind a couch, that gave rise to an entire generation of coulrophobes? The damn thing was rated PG, for God’s sake.

Anyway, no surprise here: It’s being remade. The surprise, however, may be in the choice of director, who is not Bret Ratner, Michael Bay, Rob Zombie, or any of those other hacks usually behind shitty horror film remakes. MGM, in fact, has tapped Vadim Perelman, who is sort of a no-name in Hollywood. He directed the recent The Life Before Her Eyes, as well as 2006’s dreary House of Sand and Fog. The takeaway: I’m guessing he’s not going to create another family-friendly version of Poltergeist. And while it still may ultimately suck, I can at least appreciate that MGM is trying to attach a talented, indie director to the project who can perhaps give the movie the type of atmospherics that could frighten an adult. After all, eight-year-olds are pretty easy targets.


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Comments

After all, eight-year-olds are pretty easy targets.

I'm sure BSlim can elaborate on this, if need be.

Tee hee!

Posted by: Sean at September 3, 2008 11:22 AM

As long as Carol Anne's brother gets attacked by his own orthodontia, you can count me out. Poltergeist is the reason I refused to date guys with braces.


What if they came after me?

Posted by: Mella at September 3, 2008 11:23 AM

I'll watch the remake, because I want to have Poltergeist's jello covered babies. But if I don't hear a one one thousand two one thousand [MAN-EATING TREE, ahhhhh!!], I will kill the person sitting next to me and build a house on their grave.

Posted by: Julie at September 3, 2008 11:27 AM

Remind me not to go see this with Julie.

Posted by: thejodester at September 3, 2008 11:43 AM

What about the 'Poltergeist Curse'? Don't they know they'll all die? Do they not watch E! True Hollywood Story? I forsee danger.

Posted by: wsapnin at September 3, 2008 11:46 AM

I would be a little hesitant to remake a movie that was allegedly cursed in it's original version. Personally, I haven't ever seen the original Poltergeist, but I know some weird shit went down with the production of it.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at September 3, 2008 11:49 AM

Sort the link out !

http://www.pajiba.com/poltergeist-remake-taps [space] vadim-perelman.htm

Posted by: Spyro at September 3, 2008 11:49 AM

How are you going to remake poltergeist without the creepy little old lady?!

Hire Rhea Perlman? I bet she'd do it, Cheers ended years ago.

Posted by: Some Guy at September 3, 2008 11:55 AM

For the love of Carol-Anne, this is unnecessary fuckery.

Posted by: greer at September 3, 2008 11:58 AM

They can still get Zelda Rubenstein. She lives!!

I *heart* Poltergeist, and I *heart* Tobe Hooper. I don't think I'll be able to do this. I mean, the guy goes from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre to this? How awesome is that?

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 3, 2008 12:04 PM

I heard Spielberg basically directed the whole thing than just put Tobe's name on it. I take nothing away from the film as I do love it to death and count it among my favorite "scary" movies.
And hell yeah A. V. Beav! Rubenstein is still kickin' and I assume still frickin' creepy as hell.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at September 3, 2008 12:26 PM

Why, oh why why WHY, in the name of GODTOPUS and the WHISKEY BABY NINJA STAR, WHY????

Memo to Hollywood and (underused word alert) all fucktards therein:

STOP REMAKING GOOD MOVIES!!! You will only fuck them up, therefore not only ruining whatever particular brand of vomit you choose to foist on the public, particularly those (generally younger audience members) who do not have the good sense to ONLY watch the original, but also taint the memory of that first film with the funk of your desperate, out-of-original-idea flopsweat-- smelling of old socks, Madonna's cootercave, Perez Hilton's anal lube and a combination of Michael Bay's pit-stench and Bret Ratner's Sex Panther cologne.

Please, if not for me, do it for the kids.

Posted by: dammitjanet at September 3, 2008 1:03 PM

The Poltergeist article has a "begs the question" misuse as well.

That's twice in one day you've done that to me Pajiba.

It makes me cry inside.

Posted by: Bucko at September 3, 2008 3:26 PM

Holy friggin' Christ... WHY CAN'T THEY FIND ANYTHING NEW?! Why in the name of jumpin' goddamed jeebus would they remake a movie that's GOOD AS IS?!

Here's an idea, you dried-up studio halfwit twaturds, go to a goddamed library (you know, the places where most people are gonna wind up if you keep making half-assed bullshit remakes), go to the friggin' occult section, find a goddamed Ghost Stories Of The Deep, Inbred South, or a Tales To Chill The Taint, or even Spooky Stories From Spielberg's Cervix, open to ANY GODDAMED CHAPTER, and make a movie outta that! Aw, does that sound like too much work? Then how about this, baby-cakes - go out to your car hole, where it's nice and dark - don't open the garage-door, this is your private time to decompress - now start your car so you can listen to some relaxing be-bop... Feel better? What's that? You're getting dizzy? Well, just ease your seat back and wait for the sweet release of death, you ignorant turd...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 3, 2008 3:29 PM

Oh yeah, almost forgot - GODDAMMITLEAVEOURMOVIESALONE! GRAAAAGHARAIHATEYOUSONSABITCHESSOVERYVERYMUCH! HOWABOUTREMAIKINGSHITTYMOVIESSOTHEY'REBETTER? REMAKE27DRESSESROSCOEJENKINSWITLESSPROTECTION! LEAVETHEGOODSHITBE! GRAAAAAAAEATPOOP!

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 3, 2008 3:32 PM

Say, this new format is kinda nice - it's like the site's a super-big house and everybody's in different rooms, doing different things. I'm free to find a darkened room that nobody's interested in anymore, take off my britches and diddle my dinkle in peace. HELL YEAH!

And the best part? There'll be none of that "Ooops, didn't know anybody was in here! I was just looking for my... Say, why are you sitting in here? In the dark? Are you alone? My... my God, where are your pants? Jesus, are you... NO! Now, let's just pretend I never came in here and we'll just... GAH! OUCH! OWOWOWOW, Why are you hitting me with... (choke)... can't... breath... please... stooo..."

Yay!

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 3, 2008 3:38 PM

Oh holy godtopus, Skitts, you made me pee my self again. Dammit!

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 3, 2008 3:41 PM

Oh, my dear Anna... did you learn nothing from that last bit there? I suggest you turn off the light, close the door behind you, and forget you ever saw me in here... Please, it's best for both of us - the three of us if you wanna count the turkey-clawed blob here...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 3, 2008 3:45 PM

NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE MADE ME DO! MY HTMLAMABOBS ARE ALL MESSED UP! DAMMIT! Well, this is pointless. Guess I'll just pull up my pants and head out to my car... (grumble grumble)

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 3, 2008 3:47 PM

Oh, Skittles, I'm sorry! I keep getting lost in this huge new addition to the house, and I keep just wandering into those empty rooms. And once I'm in, even if it's dark, I wanna see what's going on! I'm very nosy, you see. Plus, Shadows just gave me a roofie colada, and I'm fairly certain he then had his way with me (whatever his way might be; I'm not really sure, because of all the roofies), so I'm a little loopy from that still. And please extend my apologies to Minimus as well.. I know how he hates to be disturbed when he's .. er, "on a roll".

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 3, 2008 3:54 PM

(sigh...) Very well then. I suppose you may join us... Have a seat over there - yes, there in the large leather chair. It's quite comfortable isn't it? What's that? A drink? Certainly... let's see here... I regret to say the ice bucket has temporarily been reduced to but a bucket of chilled water, but luckily, the Scotch need not be watered down and is best enjoyed at room temperature... Pardon? Oh yes - I have made the conscious decision to remove my trousers again - I find it easier to think when not burdened with the trivialities of clothing. Wait! Madam Beaverplatz! Please don't be frightened! It's nothing contagious! Wait... wait... don't. Don't go. Please... (sigh).

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 3, 2008 4:08 PM

I have never laughed so much that tears came to my eyes until now. Oh Skittimus, you and Minimus are my heroes.

My chest is still hurting...I need to go for a walk and find a dark corner to diddle my dinkle...

...oh...here's a nice dark corner next to Anna von Beaverplatz's comatose, mysteriously undressed body...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at September 3, 2008 4:12 PM

....


.......wha....


*blink* *blink*

.....what the... am I laying in a puddle of warm scotch? and where are my clothes??

oh, god, not again.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 3, 2008 4:41 PM

I say, SoD, my good man - I have no clue as to how that body arrived in that corner - and unclothed at that! Truly, a mystery is afoot! Here, take my revolver, dear boy - quickly now! There's no time to lollygag! No, no - leave me here. Alone, in the dark. I'll dispose of the body in the basement furnace. What's that? IT MAKES NO DAMNED DIFFERENCE IF SHE'S STILL MOVING! There's a criminal in our midst, and surely they are traipsing about the other rooms - Go... NOW!

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 3, 2008 4:42 PM

Sure, Skitt! I'm on my way and I'll take care of this and leave you alone with...the body...

...waitaminute...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at September 3, 2008 4:51 PM

Unhand me, you great galoot! I am, in fact, still moving.

I mean, heavens to Betsey, Skitts, it's not like we haven't played this scenario out before. What on earth made you want to throw me in the furnace this time?! Is it because Shadows came in? Don't you worry about him.

Ve haf vays of making heem.. well, not talk.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 3, 2008 4:52 PM

Oh my! Madam Beaverplatz! I... I uh... You see, young Master Dakaron was just here a moment ago... and - well, I believe he decided to... What's that? Your clothes? Ah, yes... why are they in a heap by the fireplace? I... You see, there was quite the ruckus earlier and the room was overtaken by a band of ruffians with foul intentions and... LOOK! IT'S PATRICK SWAYZE!

[...dives through picture window, running off into the night...]

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 3, 2008 4:52 PM

Patrick Swayze?! Where... I don't see....

oh, drat it all! foiled again.

So ... Shadows... how you doin'?

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 3, 2008 4:55 PM

Remind me to definitely go see this with Julie!

Posted by: lordhelmet at September 3, 2008 5:01 PM

I like where this is goin.

May I interest you in a roofi...I mean...this random pina colada I had hiding behind my back?

The blanket and ropes are just for...ummm...JUST DRINK YOUR DRINK, GODTOPUSDAMNIT!

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at September 3, 2008 5:04 PM

See what? The unnecessary Poltergeist remake, or the Broadway Smash "An Evening at The Pajiba", a turn-of-the-century murder mystery starring Patrick Swayze?

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 3, 2008 5:05 PM

Two tickets for "An Evening at the Pajiba", please. Yes, I do realize I'm alone, but I like to stretch out.

Posted by: Mella at September 3, 2008 6:10 PM

Oh, Shadows, there's no need to yell. You know I love my ...random coladas. Mmmm, roofielicious!

the Broadway Smash "An Evening at The Pajiba", a turn-of-the-century murder mystery starring Patrick Swayze?

Annnnnnnnd sold. Especially if it's a musical.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 3, 2008 6:12 PM

Oh, you're never alone, Mella... Especially on this thread. See that wet spot over there? And that one over behind that banner ad? Yeah - this thread is mine. I peed on it, thus marking it as my own. It's cool though, baby - you wanna hang out and do your thing, whatever... I'll just be over here... watching... and plotting...

...and stuff.

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 3, 2008 6:14 PM

you're never alone on Pajiba, Mella. Especially when people just got home from work and can't figure out what to eat for dinner.

What does go with roofie coladas, anyway? Devil Dogs?

Posted by: Anna vin Beaverplatz at September 3, 2008 6:14 PM

Poltergeist? Tame?

What color is the sky in your world, Dustin? I'm too afraid of the big fucking tree right outside my window to check and see if it's still blue, here.

Posted by: Robert at September 3, 2008 6:19 PM

Who did "Poltergeist" instill a fear of clowns in? It made me terrified of raw meat, tequila and, yes, tree branches.


What ever happened to JoBeth Williams, though? Now that's a fine woman.

Posted by: Jay at September 3, 2008 6:26 PM

Heeeeyyyy, it gave me a fear of clowns! Are you mocking me, Jay?

Actually, I guess I pretty much already had the clown terror. It did, however, give me a fear of my own mouth (I had recently gotten braces), with you on the trees and raw meat, and also dead people floating around in the swimming pool.

JoBeth Williams, alas, has been relegated mostly to television appearances, both in episodic programs and movies-of-the-week. Evidently, however, according to IMDb, she appeared in that golden nugget of filmdom Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot alongside Estelle Getty (god rest her soul).

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 3, 2008 6:46 PM

the Broadway Smash "An Evening at The Pajiba", a turn-of-the-century murder mystery dinner theater starring Patrick Swayze?

* rushes in late, throws coat in corner *

Why thank you, chooseveg.com, that leg of lamb does look delicious! A side of pablum? Not tonight, Dustin. Oh, I can sit anywhere? Great. Thanks, Mella for warning me off of Shadows' umbrella drink. Sorry for the noise, everyone -- they just remodelled this place and I keep bumping into things. Progress, my ass. What the...? Minimus, if that claw comes any closer to my zipper you'll have Miss Piggy to deal with!

OK, finally made it to the home page. You'd think they'd put some signs in this place. Anna von B, is that you? I...I barely recognized you in that condition. What has Patrick Swayze done to you? Oh, for the love of Godtopus, what is Gary Busey doing here? This ain't Point Break, fella. Huh? What did you say? You want some chutney for your moonpie? Boozehound, will you finish sedating Mr. Busey and get him the hell out of here?

Posted by: Che Grovera at September 3, 2008 9:00 PM

Didn't that little girl die from getting smushed by a tree?

I figure that if we ignore it, it will disappear. Just close your eyes, lalalala...

Posted by: Jaci at September 4, 2008 12:56 AM