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Please Don't Feed the Raptors: The 'Jurassic World' Visitor's Brochure Can't Possibly Have Enough Warnings

By Cindy Davis | Trade News | July 14, 2014 | Comments ()

By Cindy Davis | Trade News | July 14, 2014 |


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Maybe it’s just me, but whether a dinosaur park is real or fictional, there just isn’t a big enough brochure to warn people of all the dangers. And who is crazy/stupid enough to go to a dinosaur park, anyway? Sure, in theory it sound cool as shit, but isn’t this a lot like building robots? The idea of machines that can do things for us is nifty, but the things we want them to do become bigger and more complicated, as do the robots, and next thing you know, we’re all having the same opera house vision, waking up in gooey tubs, and there’s a half-robot, half-human kid running around.

Anyhoo, the Jurassic World marketing machine is shifting into high gear with the release of these Jurassic World theme park brochures and maps. Visitors with small children (!) can hightail it to the Gentle Giants Petting Zoo, while those looking for a bigger thrill can check out the “disturbing” feeding shows…and there’s a handy dandy map to help everyone get around.

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Yeah, enjoy that round of golf while you can, people. Any fool knows the clevah critters will find a way…out, and then you won’t have to go to a feeding show, BECAUSE GUESS WHAT? YOU’RE THE FOOD.


I’m trying not to panic, but come on! Who goes to a dinosaur theme park? (Crazy people who deserve to be eaten, that’s who.)


Jurassic World is directed by Colin Trevorrow, stars Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard, B. D. Wong, Jake Johnson, Omar Sy, Vincent D’Onofrio, Irrfan Khan, Nick Robinson, Ty Simpkins, Judy Greer and Katie McGrath; who will all (except Wong and maybe Pratt) be devoured June 12th, 2015.

Cindy Davis, (Twitter) is *not* overreacting. Be quiet.


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