Please Dear Controllers of the Universe, Do Not Let This Indiana Jones Rumor Be True
Honestly, with all the reboots going on out there, I don’t know why it never occurred to me that sooner or later—valar morghulis—Harrison Ford is getting old and someone is going to want to remake the Indiana Jones films. Sacrilege! Blasphemy! Other important sounding words with exclamation points! Many of them!
Okay, okay, I’ll calm down—for a minute anyway. But you’ll know my pain in just a moment. The folks over at Latino Review (who always seem to know just how to push my buttons) say that the same source who gave them information on Rocket Raccoon are talking about an Indy reboot. While there has previously been talk about bringing back Ford for another installment, because of the actor’s age (71), time is limited…and the studio is talking names. Now is the moment when you want to get that glass of tequila you prepped when you saw the headline—you did fill a shot glass, didn’t you?—raise it to your lips, then drink and read. It’s gonna hurt. Like Batfleck, Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor hurt. Are you ready? (You’re not.) Drink. Here we go:
That’s right; the same guy they tried to sell as sexiest man alive may possibly be the next Indiana Jones. Go ahead, try to mentally put a hat on his head and a whip in his hand, and then come on over and sit next to me so we can sit and have a good cry together. Top of the list, people. Bradley Cooper is at the top of the list.
I’m so crushed, I don’t even care who might be writing it (Frank Darabont). This rumor has been brought to you by Latino Review; I think they owe us a case so we can drink away the night.