I wish this were a terrible April Fool’s joke that we were playing on you, but we sort of blew our proverbial April Fool’s load last year with the Defining Movie of the Generation and we have nothing left in the tank, so sadly today’s first item is not a joke. But it may be the worst fucking idea you’ve ever heard in your life.
Sources from hither and yon say that Madonna — the pop songstress who once made a movie that was so bad, Patricia Cornwall sued to have a disclaimer added saying the movie had nothing to do with her novel even though the movie really had nothing to do with the novel — is talking about remaking Casablanca. You know, the classic 1942 Humphrey Bogart film? Yeah. That one.
Let that sink in, and while you’re letting it fester, wondering where Madonna is going to fit the candle-wax sex scene into the film and how she plans to get her husband to further mangle the movie from the director’s chair, let me just add these two little details: 1) Madonna wants to play the Ingrid Bergman role (nevermind she’s 25 years older than Ingrid was), and 2) she wants to move the location from Morocco to … (drumroll please) … Iraq!
You know what, England? She’s your problem now. We no longer claim Madonna here in America, so we have to trust in our mother country to do what’s right here: Form a mob, go to her palace, and torch that motherfucker down. It’s your goddamn duty as humanitarians.
Moving on: We all have our cinematic crosses to bear, and for me — though I’m normally not a fan of tearjerky sentimentality (and fuck you to anyone who throws August Rush in my face) — I’ve got a soft-spot not just for brilliant Steve Martin comedies, but for sappy, eye-glistening, schmucky Steve Martin family movies, especially the two Father of the Bride films, which bring out the hopeless schmuck in me. Family movies may blow, by and large, but there hasn’t been a better cinema Dad since Jimmy Stewart. And good news for me, but bad news for those of you with taste: Steve Martin and Diane Keaton are re-teaming, not for another Father of the Bride sequel, but for One Big Happy, “a family comedy about a couple and a family reconnecting amid various obstacles.” That’s about as generic a logline as you can expect, and undoubtedly, Keaton and Martin won’t be working with much of a script (it comes from the creators of “Party of Five”) but you can bet your ass that, during the last five minutes of the film, when the music swells and the camera closes in on Martin’s crinkly eyes, eyes that say, “There is nothing better in the world than being a father at this very moment,” I’m gonna get all verklempt. Fuck me.
Elsewhere, Jeff Wadlow — the human brain aneurism behind Cry_Wolf and the mixed martial arts fart bubble, Never Back Down (formerly, Get Some) — has been attached to direct The Tomb, which is being described as a prison-escape movie in which the main character emulates MacGyver.
… now wait one goddamn second, shitbirds: Never, ever compare your shitty, focus-group, screenplay-by-committee characters to motherfucking MacGyver, you hear? Because no one with MacGyver’s intelligence would allow themselves to be directed by Jeff Wadlow. MacGyver would sooner give Jeff Wadlow a brain tracheotomy with a coffee stirrer and a pubic hair than allow the director of Never Back Down to tell him what do to. So, take your MacGyver comparisons and shove them into your small intestines, dildo-for-brains.
In other blunt-force trauma news, there’s talk of a big-screen version of “The Hills,” according to the show’s star, Lauren Conrad. And notwithstanding my affiliation with WIMB (the first site on the Internet to announce the death of Joshua Jackson), I have no idea who these people are: “The Hills,” “Laguna Beach,” and “The Gossip Girl,” and their respective cast members all blur together in a peroxide haze. Some of these shows are scripted, some are reality, some are both, and I don’t know the goddamn difference, and I can’t work up the energy to give a damn. But, for fans of “The Hills,” there you go: Some rich, dumb blonde girls are going to be projected 50 times larger than your television screens. Get excited.
I’ve never seen the original Bangkok Dangerous, and the only thing I know about it is that the lead character, an assassin, was a deaf-mute. In the 2008 remake, the assassin isn’t a deaf-mute, but he is played by a brain-damaged actor, Nicholas Cage. And let me tell you folks, there’s only one thing worse in this world than Nicholas Cage, and that’s long-haired Nicholas Cage. Here’s the trailer; feast your eyes on those greasy locks:
And finally, for those of you anxiously awaiting a return to form from Eddie Murphy, you’re just gonna have to keep waiting:
The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles
Trade News | April 1, 2008 | Comments ()