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Hurry Down Doomsday, The Damn Dirty Apes are Taking Over

The Whole World Has Prequilitis / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | December 2, 2008 | Comments (43)

Tim Burton’s 2001 version of Planet of the Apes is so goddamn forgettable that I can’t even remember if I’ve seen it or not. I’m sure I must have, but the only lasting impression I have is that of the incongruousness of Helena Bonham Carter’s voice coming out of the diminutive ape with the Mom haircut. As I recall, Tim Roth was fairly bad ass, but whatever happened to Estella Warren?

Anyway, a sequel to Planet of the Apes is in the works; it apparently isn’t a prequel to Tim Burton’s film, but rather Charlton Heston’s original. Or rather, the events in the film predate the events of the film in the 1968 movie, namely it’s gonna explore how the Apes took over the planet in the first place. The title of the film will be Caesar (for reals?), and here’s the logline, according to Cinemablend: “The origins of how the Apes took over Earth. A hyper-intelligent chimp raised by humans incites a worldwide ape revolution and causes the downfall of mankind.” I guess they didn’t feed it enough bananas.

Scott Frank, who directed the overlooked but decent The Lookout, is set to direct Caesar (seriously, that can’t be the title, can it?), and it’s actually kind of a remake of Conquest of the Planet of Apes, which was the last of the original Planet of the Apes franchise. There will apparently be no talking monkeys in this movie, and it will be set in 2009. I hope the chimpanzees are cute.

Personally, while I’m not normally on the side of reboots, I like this idea, if only because I know that Charlton Heston just rolled over in his grave. And bet he bumped into his 12-gauge and accidentally shot his skull off! Cold, dead hands, indeed. Suck it, Heston. And say hi to Joshua Jackson in hell for me.

In other, unrelated news, 11 days after its release, and in anticipation of a series of progressively worse sequels, the studio behind Twilight has decided to reboot the franchise. The reboot will be slightly darker and feature an entirely new cast plucked from the CW network. It will run contemporaneously with the existing Twilight sequels.


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Comments

So, there will two Twilights... at the same time.

Does that much glitter even exist outside of strip clubs?

Posted by: jM at December 2, 2008 10:14 AM

Fuck i hate living in LA just being this close to the kind of dumb fucking people who put this shit out makes me feel stupid on a whole new level .

Posted by: GILP at December 2, 2008 10:15 AM

Ya know, I can't even tell if the Twilight news is a joke or not. It's just insane enough to be real.

Posted by: BWeaves at December 2, 2008 10:22 AM

Wait two Twilight franchises? At the same time? And only a couple of weeks after the first damn movie? Fuck, my brain is trying to drag itself out of my nasal cavity and rip out my eyes. Hold on...there.

Know what that new Twilight needs? Cussin' Morgan Freeman. You know it to be true. Just have Morgan Freeman show up, call everyone a motherfucker, and then leave.

Or better yet, he shows up, shouts "Shoot the motherfuckers!!!", curving bullets come out of nowhere and decimate the entire area, and then he leaves.

Posted by: Vermillion at December 2, 2008 10:26 AM

Waitaminnit...didn't they already make that movie? Didn't it have Ricardo Montalban as the kindly human who raises the super genius chimp offspring from the two monkeys from the first Planet of the Apes who helped out Charleton Heston and somehow find their way into a repaired human spacecraft and launch themselves into space minutes before the evil nuclear bomb worshipping cult of mutant humans detonates a nuke and destroys the planet of the apes, and also simultaneously hurling the spacecraft with the two (one pregnant) highly evolved chimpanzees into the past where they crash land in 1970s America and are almost instantly put on display and killed by a fearful mob of humans thus leaving their child an orphan to be raised by Ricardo Montalban?

Didn't they??

Posted by: ASterisk at December 2, 2008 10:28 AM

Oh, wait. I should've read the whole article. Seems I wasn't the only one taking crazy pills.

Posted by: ASterisk at December 2, 2008 10:30 AM

Thomas Kinkade's Twilight: 2.0: Electric Boogaloo: The Darkening

Starring Jared Padalecki as Bella Swan, Peter O'Toole as Edward Cullen, and Mark Wahlberg as Jacob Black.

Posted by: Snath at December 2, 2008 10:32 AM

Yeah, the whole Heston was a gun nut can't help but tarnish him as a person.

However, he was aaaaawesome in Omega Man so I can't help but have a soft spot for the guy. Therefore, I hope that he merely grazes his temple when he rolls over in his grave.

Posted by: Park at December 2, 2008 10:39 AM

Will Jay & Silent Bob be in this one?

Posted by: Sofía at December 2, 2008 10:40 AM

Call the doctor, in five minutes, I will be dead from stupidity.

Posted by: George at December 2, 2008 10:40 AM

Or better yet, he shows up, shouts "Shoot the motherfuckers!!!", curving bullets come out of nowhere and decimate the entire area, and then he leaves.

There is no limit to the amount of money I would pay to see that.

Posted by: jM at December 2, 2008 10:41 AM

In other, unrelated news, 11 days after its release, and in anticipation of a series of progressively worse sequels, the studio behind Twilight has decided to reboot the franchise. The reboot will be slightly darker and feature an entirely new cast plucked from the CW network. It will run contemporaneously with the existing Twilight sequels.

I believe that's called "Lost Boys: The Tribe".

Thomas Kinkade's Twilight: 2.0: Electric Boogaloo: The Darkening

Starring Jared Padalecki as Bella Swan, Peter O'Toole as Edward Cullen, and Mark Wahlberg as Jacob Black.

The return of "SBS"?!

Posted by: Mike R. at December 2, 2008 10:43 AM

Snath, now that's a movie I would pay to hear Dustin laugh at.

Posted by: Kayanne at December 2, 2008 10:47 AM

Caesar sounds like a very interesting title for a Planet of the Apes movie, giving Caesar's historical impact.

Posted by: Pookie at December 2, 2008 10:55 AM

the fun part of the PotA reboot was that Mark Wahlberg chose the ape-girl over the pouty blonde chick.

Shit ending though.

Posted by: twig at December 2, 2008 10:55 AM

SBS never left, Mike R. It's always deep inside our hearts.

Posted by: Snath at December 2, 2008 10:56 AM

Oh! what about:

Thomas Kinkade's Twilight: 2.0: Electric Boogaloo: The Darkening: High School Musical?

I bet Jared Padalecki can do a bitchin' Little Drummer Boy rendition.

Padalecki: "I have no gifts to bring. Ba rum ba bum bum..."

Peter O'Toole: ["I just crapped my cordorouys" eyes]

Posted by: jM at December 2, 2008 10:58 AM

Padalecki: "Except for my virgin ass. Ba rum ba bum bum..."

Posted by: Snath at December 2, 2008 11:04 AM

I thought the original PotA franchise used up the entire world's supply of cheese (really, until the last 30 seconds PotA itself is awful), but I guess they made some more.

Posted by: bucdaddy at December 2, 2008 11:07 AM

Pooks, where did that come from?

Posted by: Kayanne at December 2, 2008 11:09 AM

No, that's not the title anymore. It will now be called "Mr. Dog".

Yes, Vermillion, they covered the past already. Wasn't Claude Akins and his big butt around in there somewhere?

Posted by: Jay at December 2, 2008 11:10 AM

Where did what come from K?

Posted by: Pookie at December 2, 2008 11:17 AM

The implication that real history would have anything to do with Planet of the Apes.

Also, the word Caeser in reference to apes reminds me of those icky haircuts and I don't know why.

Posted by: Kayanne at December 2, 2008 11:31 AM

Great now I have Elvis Costello stuck on my head. Nice obscure reference.

Posted by: Manda B at December 2, 2008 11:39 AM

Do I really live in a world where that's obscure?

Now I'm sad.

Posted by: Jay at December 2, 2008 11:43 AM

Be thankful they named the ape Caesar, it could be worse.

Mr. Chips
Bubbles
Binti
Dr. Baloney

Posted by: Snath at December 2, 2008 11:52 AM

Actually, now that I think about it, those are all better names. Nevermind, guys.

Posted by: Snath at December 2, 2008 11:54 AM

K, I was commenting on Caesar's role in the rise of a nation much like this ape's rise to prominence within his own universe. To many Caesar was a god to some he was a tyrant, I suspect to the other ape's the title character is a god but to the humans he will most certainly be a tyrant.

Posted by: Pookie at December 2, 2008 12:01 PM

Whatever the quality of the PotA remake (I never saw it) I will always be glad it existed. My generation culturally osmosed the twist ending to the 70's film, so I could never experience that shock of realisation that this was the FUTURE, not some other planet. Then when I saw the trailer, I had no idea it was a trailer for PotA and thought it was some random science fiction on some other planet. So when the trailer announced the title of the film I got that same shock of realisation. It was great.

Posted by: ChrisD at December 2, 2008 12:26 PM

The only PotA franchise for me is the Simpsons musical.

He can talk! He can talk! He can talk!
I can SIIIIIIIINNNNNGGGG!

Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius! Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius!

Posted by: hb at December 2, 2008 12:41 PM

I saw all of the Planet of the Apes movies at some time or another. The only ones of note were Conquest (as mehtioned above) and Beneath the Planet of the Apes, which was a sequel, where Heston finds a group of humans living underground after the fall of man and rise of ape. The humans have either lost their skin or else it's completely translucent. And they plan to take back the planet from the apes by launching a final set of nuclear warheads... If I recall correctly.

Conquest for the Planet of the Apes, was my favourite, as you really feel for Caeser and you want the apes to win and the humans to be wiped out. At least I did.

One other one I remember is where the apes who help Heston escape in the original movie, manage to fly a rocket ship back in time and land on a 1970's Earth. There, they escape the law and the persecution of yet more men. Their infant son is orphaned (I think) at the end and raised by a circus gorilla. This infant is actually either Caeser, or a close ancestor of his. Cyclic time and paradox and all that.

Again, all this is just me going off the memories of seeing these movies when I was a child. I may be wrong on a lot of the details, but I'd probably be disappointed with anything but my flowery recollections anyway.

Posted by: Bane at December 2, 2008 12:45 PM

Bah. The only worthwhile thing to ever come out of the crapfests that all the Planet of the Apes movies were was the Simpsons doing a musical version of it.

"Dr Zaius, Dr Zaius! Dr Zaius! Ooooh, Dr Zaius!"

"What's wrong with me?"
"I think you're crazy!"
"I want a second opinion!"
"You're also lazy!"

"I haaate every ape I see, from Chimpan-A to Chimpan-Zeeeee...."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVr1n1ha-LA

All the Planet of the Apes you will ever need.

Posted by: figgy at December 2, 2008 12:50 PM

Can I play the piano Any More?
Of Course you Can!
Well I couldn't before!

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at December 2, 2008 12:56 PM

Yes, Vermillion, they covered the past already. Wasn't Claude Akins and his big butt around in there somewhere?

Uh, Jay, what the heck are you talking about man?

Posted by: Vermillion at December 2, 2008 1:05 PM

Pooks do you have a doppelganger?

"Oh my God, I was wrong
It was Earth all along

You've finally made a monkey..."
"Yes, we've finally made a monkey"
"Yes, you've finally made a monkey out of me"

Posted by: Kayanne at December 2, 2008 1:08 PM

Claude Akins was General Aldo in "Battle for...".

And if you've seen "The Master"/"Master Ninja I", you'd know...he's got a really big butt.

Posted by: Jay at December 2, 2008 1:42 PM

I LOVE YOU DR. ZAIUS!

Phil Hartman, we miss thee...

Posted by: Mike R. at December 2, 2008 2:03 PM

It all figures.

But then again, I read the subheading as:

"The Whole World Is Pre-Coitus" ... which would really explain a lot.

Posted by: J_Capri at December 2, 2008 2:17 PM

OK, I thought prequilitis was a real medical condition. Something you treat with quinine, or get from a porcupine, you know?

Posted by: Sabrina at December 2, 2008 2:33 PM

Monkeys do not equal apes.

Posted by: NotBlonde at December 2, 2008 3:28 PM

Um, Jay, I made no mention or reference to the Planet of the Apes news. That is why I was asking what were you talking about. I was trying to get you to see you confused me for someone else.

Posted by: Vermillion at December 2, 2008 4:06 PM

I can't be expected to keep track of this shit when I'm multitasking. Your name hoved into my eyeline and it was all over.

So now I see what you were saying.

Yes, ASterisk, they did.

But nothing for Mr. Dog? My god you people need to get with it.

Posted by: Jay at December 2, 2008 6:30 PM

Now available from Hasslein Books...

Timeline of the Planet of the Apes: The Definitive Chronology, by Rich Handley

322 pages--covering the entire Planet of the Apes saga, including the films, TV series, cartoons, novels, comics and other tales, and even a number of unpublished works.

http://www.hassleinbooks.com

Posted by: Hasslein Books at December 9, 2008 12:01 PM